Ok, time to lift and separate.
Our sitches are different. We try to support each other, but I would love to get the advice, no matter how similar we seem, back to being specifically about our sitches.
To curiosity & Amy,
In my situation, my wife has only been out at night with this guy, and I only suspect she has, 3 times in 3 months.
As for the "grow a set" comment. I have heard that before. If I wanted to exercise my balls, I could have easily done that when she told me, or the next day, or the day after that.
Trust me, it's all I can do to keep DBing and not just unload on her. I don't know what having balls means to you, but to me it means doing what's hard. It means intestinal fortitude and if you think DBing and all this stuff takes less balls than "being a man" and laying down the law, you're dead wrong. Sure, there is fear in doing that, but there is much more appeal than sitting by and "working on myself" while the affair fizzles and she comes to her senses.
I am not looking to be a martyr but I am willing to suffer a bit more for the big picture's sake. If at the end of this she ends up leaving, then fine, same outcome as if I have told her to go in the beginning. She says the stress is getting to her and she's about to have a nervous breakdown. I am not responsible for that. I have done my 180's, dropped my controlling attitude, stopped being angry all the time, been much more helpful in general, and in no uncertain terms told her that this is unacceptable.
For me it's real tough to set any meaningful boundaries when my W sees this guy only in the day when I am at work and the kids are in school. She has only ever taken a call from him once that I know of when I was in the room (it was just to tell him she'd call him back and it was in the car on the way to the walk-in clinic), and I suspect strongly she won't do that again. Really, if I didn't know about the affair, and much of the time I wish I didn't, I would be relatively unaffected other than the obvious change in our relationship (obvious now but..).
The only boundary I have really is to tell her not to see him anymore, and obviously, that is the whole point of DBing and such.
I have stopped journaling so much here for the most part because I used it more as a place to emote than really to pass on information and get advice. I guess I am looking more for a hug than anything else, and that's pathetic on a message board.
Man or woman, it doesn't, or shouldn't matter, DBing is about taking personal stock, not taking personally the things your WAS is doing, and looking toward a time when both of you are ready to work on your relationship. Correct?
