Last night was rough. I had been feeling numb, both mentally and physically all day. I was weak and shaky. My W said she felt that way too and was worried. Of course I had nobody to complain to that really cared... So I get home and the W is on the couch, where she usually is in the afternoon these days, looking sick. She kept going outside to get air. She said she needed food. I made dinner for us but before we sat down to eat she started to feel faint. I asked her if she wanted to go to the walk-in clinic. Surprisingly she said yes immediatly. So, with food on the table, we all packed into the car...er...wait, before we packed in, my wife closed her door and asked if I could wait a minute, she needed to make a call...@#$%@#%# So she made her call, gee I wonder who to, and we left. We got the kids drive thru and went to the clinic. On the way my W ate the spaghetti I made and started to feel better. In talking to her I found out that she didn't eat all day. After letting the kids finish their food, she said she felt much better and we didn't need to go to the clinic. I can't help it right now. She's still my W and I know she is in a place where she doesn't give a damn, but I don't return that sentiment. I took care of her. I was kind and reassuring. In the past I would not have suggested going to the clinic, rather I would have tried to get her to rest and hope it passed. Anyway, on the way home, the OM freakin called, AND SHE ANSWERED it with me and the boys in the car. She asked him if she could call back later... So we get home, I eat, she lays on the couch, the kids play. After a bit she's up, feeling much better after eating and resting a bit. We're standing in the kitchen...
M: Are you ok? W: No. I think I'm having a nervous breakdown. M: That's understandable with all the stress you're under. W: Something's gotta give here. M: Like what? W: I don't know but I can't be under this stress every day. M: I know, it's hard. It seems like you really have two choices. W: (starts to say something but stops) M: (I wait to see if she will continue but she doesn't) Are you thinking of moving out? W: (Quickly turns toward me looking surprised) NO. Why would I be thinking that? M: I don't know. I don't know what you want right now. W: (no response...pause) M: (moving closer to her) For what it's worth, I have been thinking a lot about things you have tried to tell me for a long time. I understand so much more now. I can't promise anything but I just want you to know that I realize a lot of the things that went wrong with us. W: (no response).
I walked away. It was not really that heavy of a conversation, at least in tone. She went back to the couch and asked if I could rub her back later (the first time she actually asked me to do that in a long time). We watched TV with the kids and then put them down. We watched a little more together and didn't really talk much other than comments on the show. I don't really know what any of this means. I am trying not to analyze it but if you have any opinions, please share. Also, the end of the night was bad for me. Do you watch LOST? If you do, then you know why. At the end of a emotional night, here we are, sitting together on the couch and at the end of LOST, one of the main characters (Mathew Fox) goes home to his wife to tell her that he kissed another woman and it made him realize that he was neglecting his W. He held her and told her he was going to make things better. She pulls away (and about this time, I was off the couch, back in the kitchen...I knew what was coming) and with tears in her eyes, tells him she's leaving him, and that she's been seeing someone else. That was too much. I know it's just a TV show, but after everything I've been through, I couldn't take it. I started up the stairs before it was over trying not to get emotional (failed).
