I understand the fear you speak of. My wife has said on several occassions that, while she could never do it, her step-sister "got it right". Her step-sister took her own life several years ago. My wife didn't come from a very loving home and there is a history of depression in the family. She has never said that she doesn't want responsibility for the girls. That sums up my sitch.
I think your instinct on this is dead right. You need to pull back and give her room to sort this out. Any emotional reaction on your part will likely push her further down. Avoid the conflict. Let her know you are concerned about her HAPPINESS. Focus on that rather than being concerned for her in general. I ran into this problem with my W, when she used to express these thoughts, I used to tell her that I cared for her deeply and would hate for anything to happen to her, etc. Her response usually was along the lines of "I wish no one cared for me, I just want to be a nobody like I used to be." As hurtful as this was to hear, because I don't believe I ever made her feel like a nobody, I knew that she wasn't looking for empathy or concern about her and, likely, that concern for her was causing her even further pain. Right now, she feels trapped in the situation and you're emotional concern is probably pushing her further into that trap. I guess if there is a positive to this, you should at least take comfort in the fact that she has probably only expressed these feelings to you and not likely to OM.
I really hope any of this makes sense TMU becuase I can sense your pain and indecisiveness.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
