"wakes up partially and almost freaks out, she tries to get as far from me as possible in the bed."
I would be ridiculously concerned by that. That is not normal behavior. My mother used to do stuff similar to that, and she was sexually and physically abused by her father. He was in WWI and WWII and went crazy as a result. She used to have to hide under her bed at night because he would go around with a knife thinking she and the other kids were the enemy and try to stab them.
Does she do that often or just once or twice since you two have been together? I guess anyone could be scared once or twice by a bad dream, but if it is often, I would be concerned.
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
Counselling (not sure if a MC would be good for this) would be a good thing but I doubt if she would ever consider it. Because of her crappy childhood, she is a tough lady now. She has told me stories early in marriage about how her step father tryed to rape her. Now those stories have slighty changed to he was drunk and tried something but was unsuccessful. Will my wife ever admit that there maybe an issue here, not in a million years. As for waking up scared, it happens occasionally, probably 10 or 15 times over the last 17 years. I may come in to bed after she has been asleep for a couple hours and reach over to touch her (nicely) and she will wake up incredibly startled and sometimes literally move up to the top of the bed and pull her legs up to her chest. Clearly she is not coherent and does not even recognize me for a couple seconds until I talk to her, then she relaxes. Now she is a very vivid dreamer, so I may have woken her at the wrong time, or maybe it is related to her childhood. Probably will never find out for sure, as she "does not need help".
Honestly, I think it was in PM that there was a chapter titled "Who Wants to Want" that could have been written about my wife. It describes how children that grow up in very dysfunctional settings learn avoid being vulnerable by eliminating the ability to "Want". Children "Want" to be loved by their parents, and when they don't have normal parents, they learn that to avoid the pain of not having love, they stop "Wanting". Making themselves vulnerable always ends in hurt, so they "lose" the ability to leave themselves vulnerable. But to have it all in marriage, to have a PM, this REQUIRES that you be vulnerable. And from what I have read, women that have these issues can appear normal for years, and this may not show up until many years into the marriage, which again is similar to my situation.
Cemar... Just to add, I think that marriage can make us more defensive ( and therefore less vulnerable) over time, which of course is the opposite of what is intended. But we buy into the fantasy that "all will be right" in a magical way. Unresolved issues from the past and inevitable new hurts get thrown in....and the distance keeps growing. Ignorance, lack of personal responsibility, immaturity, and denial cement the deal.
I am hoping that you will reach a breaking point that will facilitate change...until that time, I will listen to your venting, as long as it's not too inflammatory.
"Just to add, I think that marriage can make us more defensive ( and therefore less vulnerable) over time"
I'd just like to ditto that also. Cemar, the basic principle that we can get hurt the most by the people we love the most is in play here. It is precisely the SO that has the most capacity to hurt us, intentionally or otherwise, and thus the person with whom we can develop the most defensiveness and ironically even the most distance as we try to protect ourselves. Vulnerability is difficult to acheive, and even more difficult to maintain, and certainly one should not assume it is there simply because two people are married. IMHO
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
