How can a W of 20 years all of a sudden come to the conclusion to end a marriage with me and 2 girls. SHe has a boy friend who is putting thoughts into her head about a wonderful life they are going to have together. SHes known this guy for just 4 months. He lives 1000 miles away. She plans to move, but doesn't want to leave her kids. She knows She'll get the fight of the century if she tries to move with them. I don't know whats in her mind. WHat kind of a mother does this to her kids? She says she loves them, but what kind of message does she send them with her actions.
Ive had a rough time with this. Now Im at the point where Im starting to detach form her. THe pain of hurt is almost gone. Ive had 5 good days of no pain and it feels great. But the questions still come up. How long does this take? When will the guilt set in and do you think it ever will?
I have taking every legal action to where my kids will be set. shes not going to be too happy to what Ive done as far as her 401k (we had a verbal agreement that I wont touch it. since my new found revelation, ive changes my mind) OH is she gonna be pissed, but Someone has to take these kids into consideration as far as there future finacually.
I'm sorry you have found yourself here...they are called WAW...and there are quite a few of us here...what you will notice is that the sits are all different male/female, young/old...but there is an uncanny way that they all sound the same... What I have discovered in my sits is that I really think that I could get back my WAW by using DBering (maybe being arraogant) but I'm not really sure IF i want her back...I really think that by reading all these posts even from the women about their WAH, it is relevant...they all have similar characteristics...and the plan of attack does not vary much...
As for the length of time...I've heard months up to a couple of years...
As for the 401k...I think very smart...I think my W is going to be in for a rude awakining when/if D happens...she gave me waaaay too much time to prepare...and my feelings are all bets are off if they have betrayed the trust and commitment of the marriage.
Thats how I feel. After I had to get all the facts to whats happened. I now feel shes betrayed my trust, I have to think smart. I read I had to fire my heart and let my brain do all the work. Easier said than done, and it took some time. MY girls have so many questions themselves that I can't answer. They have to address them to their mother and she dodges them so good that they have even more questions after that. Fun game shes playing. I don't think she realizes the results she gonna get. That fog is thick!!!!
We have talked and went through how were gonna split things up. Im making out pretty good. But I now realize that I have to go for what ever Im entitled to. Im not playing her game anymore. She wants out....Its gonna cost her... Sorry Hun..
Quote: We have talked and went through how were gonna split things up. Im making out pretty good. But I now realize that I have to go for what ever Im entitled to. Im not playing her game anymore. She wants out....Its gonna cost her... Sorry Hun..
Ouch...I know you're in extreme pain babe and while I am all for protecting oneself in case things develop into a D...don't you think that's just a bit harsh when you're really trying to DB and win her over with your heart...
Of course she betrayed your trust...but try getting to the core of it, the heart of the matter and see if you can find out why.
I have strongn. But it seems to do no good in her mind. The big D is fast approaching and I have to deal with that issue also. This is what I have to do to protect my kids and look out for their future. I know shes not.
Sorry things are going downhill fast for you. You're right to take care of yourself and your girls but don't go overboard. I know you are feeling very angry right now so try give yourself some distance before taking any action.
Considering the ups and downs you have had with your emotions lately (and the stress of the anniversary of your dad'd death) take some time for yourself.
I started this a while ago. I have a link in Newcommers/I just got the bomb. I don't know how to link it from here. I was having some stress from the aniversary of Dads death, Tried to keep myself busy with projects I have going on around the house. I have come to the point where I have detached myself from her. I was doing great until my girls came home and started asking questions.
I simply told them I didn't want to talk about mom and I don't wan to hear whats shes doing. But, now after they started talking, Im back to wondering. My mind is racing so fast. I have found ways to change my thought pattern, but its so hard. seems to go back and forth. Like I said, the big D is fast approaching. Her fog is not lifting, and I have to make some decisions that I really dont want to make. But in the interest of my kids. I have to do this. I know its not going to make points with the W. But at this point, I really can't care what she thinks of me. Her mind is made up. Heck, even her mother, who was on my side in the begining, has truned on me. God only knows what shes been saying. I bet its not good, She has to validate to everyone her reasons for her actions and shes doing a good job. Only 2 people know the truth. Me and her. I just hope the guilt will set in soon and she realizes what shes doing to us.
Sorry man, for everything. I am dreading the time when I have to make those decisions and when I have to REALLY give up caring even a little what she thinks about me. You sound like you've got a lot on your mind right now and are in an especially vulnerable place, prone to anger, etc. I pray you have the strength to get through this in a tough time. I really think you can. Do it for you, do it for the girls, don't do anything for your W but have an open heart should she decide to mend her ways. Until then, and as far as you're into this, that's all you owe her, if anything. Hang in there and we'll be thinking of you.
Only 2 people know the truth. Me and her. I just hope the guilt will set in soon and she realizes what shes doing to us.
How very true...it is only between the two of you. You each know the roles that you played in the demise of the R. I say this because it does take two to tango, it takes two to keep a marriage together, it also takes two to bring it to an end. This is where you take the focus off her...You can't do anything to change her or where she is. She's on her own time schedule. You can't rush it.
However, you can look at this as a chance to dig into your soul and see the role you played. It's tough and painful to look at oneself in a mirror and get down to work. But it has a payoff...if your W decides to work on the M, you are better abled to be there or if you end up moving forward you have the tools and understanding to offer into a new R with soemone else.
Guilt is strong motivator here...but it works two ways...it can keep the WAS away from returning. Ego, pride and guilt...just read all the posts on here...A great deal of the WAS lack self-esteem and the guilt eats them up. Or if she does return because of the guilt...where is she going to be emotionally? Is she going to walk around life like a zombie? Feeling that her return home was only because of her obligation...not healthy for either of you, nor any children in the home. That's why the WAS needs to go through this journey, while you go through yours. There is always the hope that you both find your way back together again. It's a long road, ask anyone currently reconceiling...that's why you take the time now to learn and focus on you.
