Quote: I don’t know, the affair is bad enough, but if I am correct in my deducing and he has been with others as well as o.w., he is becoming very unappealing to me.
This is where I am right now too... as adament as i was last week is as unsure as i am this week... crazy right? is this how it's going to be? is this how i'm going to be in the future? with him or with someone else? it's so confusing.... you hang in there, i feel confident that the pieces of the puzzle will fall into place at some point. for all of us. wouldn't it be nice if we could figure out what the picture was going to be so we could at least start working on the center instead of nudging around the edges?
Quote: Sometimes I wonder if that is because he’s trying to wear me down; maybe I’ll get to the point where I can’t take this minimal interaction with him anymore and I’ll put this marriage out of its misery. I’m not at that stage yet.
I don't know... i have minimal interaction and have pretty much from the day he left... and i can't seem to get it together... one day i think, ok, i'm done i'm going to file... and then the next, i think, no let the bastard file if he wants this so bad, and then the next i think, please, please don't let him file... i guess we'll go back-and-forth until we're really done. i think? i don't know... sorry i'm not much help today... should have kept my big fat keyboard shut.
but you hang in there OK? i'm so proud of you and so proud of the progess you've made and your thought processes, you help keep me sane!! or at least the illusion of sanity
Been reading more on depression. Guess what? It seems a lot of LBS's with depressed H's agree that these men show very little affection (hugging, kissing, holding hands) while under depression's spell. Boy did this hit home for me. I really wish I had known H is depressed long before now. Maybe we could have done something about it before infidelity entered the R.
I feel the same as you--I think I'm done, then I think I want him to be the one to end it (file) because why should I? And then I get scared and hope he won't.
Rollercoaster.
I'm trying to be strong, but I feel I have very little fight left in me tonight.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Been reading more on depression. Guess what? It seems a lot of LBS's with depressed H's agree that these men show very little affection (hugging, kissing, holding hands) while under depression's spell. Boy did this hit home for me. I really wish I had known H is depressed long before now. Maybe we could have done something about it before infidelity entered the R.
I feel the same as you--I think I'm done, then I think I want him to be the one to end it (file) because why should I? And then I get scared and hope he won't.
Rollercoaster.
I'm trying to be strong, but I feel I have very little fight left in me tonight.
It is not just husbands that react that way, my wife showed little to no affection also! I too wish I knew that back then, yet the hard part is realizing we can't change the past. You mentioned hope! Hope is something strong, and as long as you still have some hope keep going! I know personally over the last few days that I have gained strength from the fact that I am comfortable with the proposition that the R may end, but I still have a strong hope and desire to work things out! It sounds strange because I have gained strength from the comfort that my R may end. This is because I feel I am doing what I can to help change our R for the better and I can look back years from now and know I did the best I could and put a 100% into saving my marriage! I visualize, and think about this: "I hope I can look back with my W beside me and laugh how stupid we both were at that point in our marriage and realize how much we have grown since then!"
Tim
my story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1049617&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
I feel the same as you--I think I'm done, then I think I want him to be the one to end it (file) because why should I? And then I get scared and hope he won't.
I have days when I feel this way, Hope. I doubt my H will ever file as he hates attorneys. He will continue to stall until I do something, I'm pretty certain. Two weeks ago he was to set up an appt with his accountant to get some financial info and then get back to me so that we could sit down and work our our settlement. Haven't heard a word on this yet. Some days I am so tired of the situation my life is in, I tell myself to just go file and let the lawyers fight it out.
My NYresolution was "I will move forward. I will not stand still. I will not go backwards." I intend to keep to that.
You DO seem a lot stronger, Hope. I know none of this is easy.
Hope tomorrow is better for you.
Spitfire
Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest. Mark Twain
I feel the same as you--I think I'm done, then I think I want him to be the one to end it (file) because why should I? And then I get scared and hope he won't.
Rollercoaster.
I'm trying to be strong, but I feel I have very little fight left in me tonight.
The feelings evolve over time (one way or the other) and the rollercoaster smooths out. You don't have to fight every day. Some days you should take a break - maybe bubble bath and wine?
I did a lot of reading last night from the Men Who Can’t Love book. NY S recommended this one. I think some of it applies to my H. I’d say a better title would be Can’t Commit, because I do think my H. loves me (as much as he’s capable of). The nature of our R. allowed him to be away from me so much (job related) which may have been one of the reasons we managed to last this long. It’s a very interesting read. I’d say this is part of his problem; depression being the other. I wish he would look inward and want to change. If he doesn’t, I can’t see him ever being in as long a relationship as he’s had with me.
I do wonder why he’s this way, though; why a committed relationship makes him feel suffocated. And, why he’s been with same o.w. this long (seems a little out of character for a commitmentphobic person).
One thing that made me so sad: Hillary Swank and Chad Lowe separated. They’ve been married about as long as I have and I always thought they were such a strong couple. Hillary was interviewed at the Golden Globes; she said they are still trying to save the marriage. She may be practicing DB’ing because she was still wearing her rings and the interviewer made a point of it on camera.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
I did a lot of reading last night from the Men Who Can't Love book. NY S recommended this one. I think some of it applies to my H. I'd say a better title would be Can't Commit, because I do think my H. loves me
I can't speak for whoever came up with the title, but personally, I'd think that since real love has commitment as one of its legs, the title is appropriate.
The nature of our R. allowed him to be away from me so much (job related) which may have been one of the reasons we managed to last this long.
The "built in" space, huh?
I do wonder why he's this way, though; why a committed relationship makes him feel suffocated. And, why he's been with same o.w. this long (seems a little out of character for a commitmentphobic person).
Well, from what I know of your sitch, I think it's that he got married young, and just a few years ago realized his mortality, and that basically clicked a switch in him to go out and "see what's out there" in life.
His being with the OW for the past 6 or 7 months is not out of character for a CP. CPohbic relationships can go on for years, or not... it's not its length that's characteristic of a CPhobic relationship.
One thing that made me so sad: Hillary Swank and Chad Lowe separated.
It's all in how you perceive things, I see it as good news that makes me happy. Hillary Swank's available again! Think I have a chance?
the book that helped me is "he's scared, she scared". also about the commitment phob. I have to admit it didn't give me a lot of hope if my W is a commitment phob. those R usually don't end well.
question for u hope. did u get out of ur book that a commitment phob is a type of person that typically has to always be in a R...I see this in my W. she wanted her own apt to "have some time" and in relity she is w OM most of the time...almost like she can't stand to be alone...this is why I question if she is a commitment phobe
the book that helped me is "he's scared, she scared". also about the commitment phob. I have to admit it didn't give me a lot of hope
Vince, when I recommended that book to you, which by the way are by the same authors as the book I recommended to HF (in fact, "He's scared" is their later work), I remember you posted back that it didn't give you any hope. I didn't give you that book recommendation to give you hope however, it was to help you understand the possible reality of your sitch. Glad you found it helpful.
did u get out of ur book that a commitment phob is a type of person that typically has to always be in a R
CPs don't have to be in a relationship, but as people, they desire a great relationship, just like anyone else.
I see this in my W. she wanted her own apt to "have some time" and in reality she is w OM most of the time...almost like she can't stand to be alone...this is why I question if she is a commitment phobe
You're making a causal connection there between her wanting her own place and the fact she's with OM. It could very well be that there are other factors built in to that relationship that make it comfortable for a CP, or just the fact that she *knows* she has her own place she can go to that's enough to make her comfortable, even if she's never there!
I too, have those thoughts about H... with OW, and possibly others. I don't like it, and when I get to thinking those things, just the thought of him touching me again literally repulses me.
But try to remember it's the depression, the lack of self-esteem, that makes our H's do these things. It has nothing to do with us. And tryto keep an open mind- that if H changes, if H works through his issues and comes back home, then perhaps your thoughts on the matter above will change too.
At least that's what I tell myself, on good days.
Glad to see you are doing okay. Looks like you beeng doing a lot of thinking, reading, and writing lately. I can see you growing stronger-
Hugs, PF
PetiteFlower
Quote: Follow Your Bliss
~Joseph Campbell
