I would love to talk to you about your experience with a mediator. I think that is the way to go. But I think H wants "revenge" and he will not be happy with a mediator...
Still, as it was explained to me, With a mediator, you still get about the same monetary split you would with litigation, but it is tons less expensive.
Would you be willing to share what you have learned?
Quote: Sad thing is, hope chest is already filled with things I've kept from my marriage. Even if things don't work out for H. & me, I wouldn't get rid of any of them. They remind me of the loving, good man he used to be, not this selfish, irrational person he's behaving like now.
Just wish I hadn't stumbled across the Valentine. He wrote inside, "I love you! Love always, H" I wish.
Honey, there is nothing wrong with that...please don't think so...I was just saying that with exH, we didn't even have a wedding photo albumn...perhaps a sign of things to come...eh?
Just a little encouraging word about those words that are too painful to read right now, Hope:
Not too long ago I pulled my journals out that I had kept during my fiasco with XH. I either laughed or became furious at myself as I read through them. What you'll find amazing is reading those things a year or so from now and realizing how far you've come and how much you've grown. It's really good to keep them, even when you get to that point.
Hope, I know just what you mean about your H being a completely different person in front of other people. My H is the same. He's actually told me that one of the reasons he went out drinking every night was because he didn't want to be home around me and things that reminded him of us. I think being home was just too painful for him. When he came home he also had to deal with real emotions about his father's death. When he was with his so-called friends he could just drink and forget.
Wow, I'm sorry your H. said that to you. I know we're not supposed to take anything they say personally, but of course, how easy is that? It's not. My H. isn't using alcohol to subside his pain; he's using o.w. I've done so much reading about depression and I know that when a spouse is suffering from it, the depression will make them feel like they are not in love with their spouse anymore. I do think that is what is wrong with H. and that is why he seeks the thrill ride with o.w. because it's making him feel something again. He was so unhappy here, he tells me. Miserable, even. But it was not like we were fighting all the time, having all kinds of problems, etc. If that were so, I would be able to understand why he felt so unhappy. He blames our marriage as the source for his unhappiness, but I think the truth is that it's coming from his displeasure at work, and also his low self-esteem.
I really wish there was a way I could get help for him and see if our R. could be saved.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Quote: it's depression. When he's talking to me, he lets the true him come out; he takes off the mask and shows how he really feels to me. Around others, the mask goes on, and he pretends all is great in his life, when it actually isn't. He feels comfortable enough with me to show himself to me. Everyone else gets the actor.
This is absolutely true. He shows you his misery not because he is miserable when he talks to you but because of his comfort with you...that's a good thing! And work is often a sanctuary where they can forget their problems and just focus on the job at hand.
Quote: blames our marriage as the source for his unhappiness, but I think the truth is that it's coming from his displeasure at work, and also his low self-esteem.
They all blame the marriage...or at least see it as another source. Sweetheart recognizes he is to blame and not me or our marriage...but still gets scared that our marriage ALSO won't work. I think he also [deep down] recognizes that our marriage is his saving grace. Sweetheart and I didn't fight all the time either...sure there were arguments, but nothing that was significant. I personally think low self-esteem is the main issue they must overcome in MLC/QLC.
Go dark so you can separate yourself from the insanity for awhile. Do you work? If so, that will take up some of your time. What else to do with your time...Go to the library and get books...MANY. Not just novels to lose yourself in. This QLC/MLC has put you on a journey too, you need to find out what it's purpose for you is...go and learn. Meditate...just light some candles, look into the fire and watch the flames flicker ...unfocus you eyes and relax. Play soft music or a guided meditation. Go to the gym. find new things to interest you...that do not have anything to do with turning on the TV.
Take this dark time to accept your own journey so your husband can come back into your life.
Hope ~ your dress sounds perfect. I have to admit when you said bridesmaid dress I had horrific thoughts of something pink with big puffy sleeves. Been there done that But that dress sounds so elegant and so you. Bargain at 1/2 price. Plus you'll be able to wear it later
It's hard when you come across the old cards. Pack them all away for now. But remember you were loved, you are loved and you will be loved again.
What a beautiful thing to say. I so appreciate that. I spoke to future SIL today; she is so darling; I just love her. She thought the dress sounded great.
I put the cards and such away. In my heart, I just know there is still a part of H. that means the things he once said. If he could get help for his problems, he might find those feelings surfacing once more.
Went to the salon today; now I'm home having a baked potato and red wine. Back to work tomorrow.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
I'm an avid reader--or so I was, before this crisis took away my ability to concentrate on anything but self-help. Recently though, I've started to pick up some books. I just began The Dogs of Babel, one I've wanted to read for quite some time. I actually watch very little tv lately. For the longest time, I just wanted to shut out the world (post-bomb). I got into watching DVD's that did not provoke me to think about WAH. I still prefer to pop in a movie than have the tv on. I don't know; I guess we all experience the trauma differently but this was a big thing with me. I just couldn't have the tv on; I wanted to shut out everything. (I'm better now). I do know that if H. chooses to not return, I will somehow be ok. I wish he could want me back in his life, but if he doesn't I will have to learn how to get over it. It will take a long time; I'm one of those who truly believed we would be together for the rest of our lives. I hope this is a stress-free, non-dramatic week for me. Wouldn't that be nice?
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
I've been thinking a bit and not online...
Just wanted to say I'm thinking of you and hoping today brought you better things... smiles, maybe, or a laugh.
But that dress sounds so elegant and so you. Bargain at 1/2 price. Plus you'll be able to wear it later 
