RCRider,
So good of you to drop over here and post advice. I hope others gain some insight by reading it, too.
How's your cold??

Sometimes they just file what we say and how we react away and quietly keep it in a locked up memory for later…it’s what brings them back.
If this is true, it makes me feel better, because most of the time when we are talking, I feel like what I say goes in one ear and out the other for him.

But I want you to work on getting yourself to a place where you can respond without escalating and in such a way that he knows he will get nowhere with his rationale.
This is where I get an "F" on my DB'ing report card, and I know it. I get there in the moment with him and hope that this is going to be it; I'm going to solve this RIGHTNOW. But it never happens. "F" I will work on this.

The proper answer is “I’m sorry you feel that way.”
And here is where I get a B+, because I've said this to H. many times in response to something he's told me that might not be what I want to hear. And it's true--I am sorry he feels that way.

STOP Thinking he’s not ever coming back! STOP believing what he says and what you see from him
Easy to say I will do it...much harder to follow through. He seems pretty convincing when he tells me he's made up his mind. Again, I need to detach, I know.

Being around you and your home is just a guilty reminder for him…and guilt is not comforting. But look at the good side. He’s feeling guilt…that he is putting on himself. Guilt is a natural and healthy feeling
You're right. I will try to remember this from now on, although I do still miss him and the times he would come by.

Detach yourself NOT NOT NOT from your husband but from his emotional rollercoaster. Find peace within yourself so that you can take back your power. It’s not going to be easy
Detachment for me is explained like a mental disentanglement. I feel like my emotions are "knotted" around my husband, and I've had to slowly pull the knots loose. When this all began 5 months ago I felt like the knot was so big I'd never be able to break free from the pain of this. I do think since then, I've made it smaller, but there is work to be done.

RCRider, you have a lot of wisdom and I'm so happy you could share it here. Thank you so much.



Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.