Building a Mystery...

[Rollercoasterider]

Hope,

I want to respond to your post from page five, but also am wanting to read through to catch up. So I'm going to occasionally respond to some things throughout the other posts as I am reading...otherwise I'd forget what I wanted to respond too! I may also touch on things others are saying to you since I'm often responding before I get to their advice.

Sorry it’s taken me so long…I’ve been on the phone with a DBer and a midlifere between writing…and ‘I habve a code,’ so I took a hot bath.

[he said] that [dating] would help me feel better about my problems.
So, is this what he’s doing???

Don't take this wrong hope, but DUH! They also want us to date because it will alleviate their own guilt and give them another excuse to get out of the relationship. I NEVER waivered on this...I have always told Sweetheart that I would NEVER [and I really stressed that word] date someone else.

I do not buy his, “I’m happier now, and getting happier by the day.”

Good. Keep not buying it. He may get to a point where he actually believes he's happier and seems it...but even then don't buy it. It's the 'drug high.'

He said he would not be irresponsible when it came to the finances and the bills. Yet, if he really wants to move on and start his life over, then he eventually will want the money he is to gain from the sale of our home. I have to find out from him at which point he wishes to make this move.

Drop this for now and wait for hi to bring it up...you don't want to risk him moving forward with more separation and sales because he feels you are pushing. MLCers often talk about things and don't follow through...just drop it.

He never gave things a try, post-bomb. I thought we deserved that much, after so many years together.

Of course he didn't. Remember in his mind that he'd been trying for five years...for him the Bomb Drop was his final answer...that's what they do when they are giving up and won't try anymore.

There is someone that could be quite interesting to get to know; he's an actor, he's been on a soap opera and has done a lot of plays, commercials, etc. I've talked to him a couple of times; he's a little older than me but seems very nice. It might be nice to become friends with him, I don't know. But I won't do anything to disrespect my marriage---even though it's fairly non-existent right now.

STAY AWAY This is how affairs begin...friendships and innocence. You may not mean for anything to get started, so don't get a friendship that you intend will be platonic started. For now, get female friends.

Okay, I’ve caught up a bit now and will look at my notes to that long post from page 5.

darn it, I'm done DB'ing. It isn't working with him.

A lot of DBers get frustrated with the slow or APPARENT lack of progress/results. DB’ing does NOT work on YOUR timeline. The initial work will be interior and thus you will not usually see progress. Sometimes they just file what we say and how we react away and quietly keep it in a locked up memory for later…it’s what brings them back.

He must have said "I'm not coming back" at least 40 times. I lost count. He admitted he had done a tremendous amount of thinking about it, but he has made his decision. He's not coming back. Period. He wants to move on with his life. I told him that he never gave us a chance to try; he said "I've been trying for 5 years." HUH? I told him that he never came to me in those years and said he was unhappy; he should have talked to me about it

Sweetheart said the same thing about trying for years before the bomb drop. So here’s what I told him…on a number of occasions since he kept saying it. ‘Trying starts when you tell your spouse there’s a problem.’ I was always firm with the statement…i.e. it was a conversation ender, he knew his excuse wasn’t going to work. I would cut him off and let him know I was NOT going to listen to his lame excuses. I listened to what he said…but called him on BS like that. I was always firm, but NEVER argumentative. Sweetheart dropped the bomb March 20 2005. I IMMEDIATELY stopped escalating anything to an argument. We’ve had one fight since…and that was during reconciliation [after he was home] the day before Thanksgiving. In the beginning it is important to validate and affirm and be conciliatory. At this phase boundaries will just send them running. BUT at the same time you need to be firm…and this is a fine line. Let him know that you won’t rise to bait…not by saying that, but through your actions. Be careful…I am firm with Sweetheart and can prevent myself from escalating to an argument…I’ve gone off on him, but I don’t consider those arguments…My rant of a week ago Friday was a Bitch Lecture. If you will not be able to prevent yourself from escalating…don’t do what I did. Just listen and drop it But I want you to work on getting yourself to a place where you can respond without escalating and in such a way that he knows he will get nowhere with his rationale.

"Do you want me to come back? Ok. I'll come back. But I'll be miserable."

Okay, this is a dangerous form of a question…not because of the topic, but because he asked what YOU want. RED FLAG!!! Anything asking what YOU want is dangerous. MLCers don’t care what YOU want. Here’s how you answer. “No, You may come back [I will let you/allow you to] when YOU CHOOSE.” OR “No, but the door will always be open. You can come home when you are ready/when you choose.”
So if he at some point says something that you don’t want him to feel…”I hate you.” The proper answer is “I’m sorry you feel that way.” DO NOT SAY “I don’t want you [wish you didn’t] feel that way.” It’s subtle, but significant. Don’t impose your desires—though this is unintentional.

He does want us to get a legal separation. I asked him why then not a D. if he wasn't ever coming back.

Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth! It may not make sense to our sane minds, but if you don’t want a divorce don’t make him answer that question…drop it and be thankful. If you aren’t divorced time is on your side. Yes, there is remarriage, but it’s psychologically and financially a lot easier without it. STOP DOUBTING! STOP Thinking he’s not ever coming back! STOP believing what he says and what you see from him!

he doesn't come by because he feels very uncomfortable here. So, that's why no frequent visits anymore.

He is not comfortable in his own skin. Being around you and your home is just a guilty reminder for him…and guilt is not comforting. But look at the good side. He’s feeling guilt…that he is putting on himself. Guilt is a natural and healthy feeling…if he didn’t have it he’d just be a psychopathic jerk.

As far as what I had been saying about giving things a try before we truly decide it's over, he said "I'll think about it." I don't know if that was just his way to compromise so he could get out the door.

It probably was. Now STOP asking him to TRY and work things out first. STOP asking him to go to counseling! It doesn’t work that way, and that will just send him running farther away. You are pushing to hard.

He seems pretty adamant about his choices and is VERY clear that a committed relationship is not what he desires anymore.

Of course he seems this way. He is adamant about it and it’s what he wants. But didn’t he WANT to marry you…so he changed. He WILL change back. Let him mean what he says, but don’t buy into the idea that he will say and feel it forever…even if that’s what he thinks.


MLC takes several years. You need to prepare yourself for a long road. Get yourself into counseling, but do not ask or expect your husband to go with you. He’s not ready for the commitment, and he’s not ready for what might be said by you and a counselor.

Have you read Men in Midlife Crisis by Jim Conway? If not go get it from your library ASAP. Read the MLC chapter of DR, read the other books by Jim Conway and his wife Sally Your Marriage Can Survive Midlife Crisis, Your Husband’s Midlife Crisis, When a Mate Wants Out…
Have you read the MLC threads that people are always bumping….The Six Stages of MLC, and others? I can email a bunch of things to you in MS Word format…that way you don’t have to worry about searching for them every time you need them.

80% of MLCers try to return eventually…and if the spouse did not get that this was an MLC and just thought the MLCer was a jerk the response is WTF, you treated me like sh*t and want me to let you come back? Educate yourself so that you ca accept this terrible processes. It is a long tunnel, but according to Jim

The tunnel can be as long or short as people want. It can be shortened by working on the process or lengthened by denial.

You need to do as the others are saying and drop the rope. Detach yourself NOT NOT NOT from your husband but from his emotional rollercoaster. Find peace within yourself so that you can take back your power. It’s not going to be easy…but I promise you that if you find peace and strength it will be easier for you than for others. Honestly, I’m not having nearly the trouble most are. I attribute that to Spirituality [not religion], Peace, Strength, and Faith in Sweetheart, myself and our marriage—Faith being the opposite of Doubt…I DO NOT DOUBT.

There will be bad days and worse days, but you can do it. You need to be the rock for your husband AND the soft place where he can eventually land.
K-R