This morning went well...H was in a bad mood and I was feeling frazzled with lots on my plate today with work and social stuff. Two partners in a funk is a recipe for disaster in a fragile M.....I got to feeling like H was not really jumping in to help, going down a negative track with thoughts. I pried myself into reality, and saw that I was assuming and hadn't given him a chance to help, as is typical behavior for me--time to BREAK that cyle!!!
Back to the goal of reaching out, and making a special effort to do so in tense time, I reached out and told him about my day, and of course, he offered to help, insisted...that was sweet. He sensed that I was frazzled and feeling insecure about work stuff today and really gave me a much needed pep talk (more of a "buck up, you have to do this, no time to fall down now.."). His reaching out really put me in a great mood, made me happy--I realized then how as much as I think I am distanced from him, I still derive a lot of strength in his love and confidence in me. He said something as we walked into work...that i would feel better when I saw people other than him. Made me sad to hear that...he still feels insecure about his ability to make me happy. He's still really tied to my emotions (feeling frazzled about work) as I am to his. One thought I had yesterday when I refocused on M stuff is that my job with him is to make him feel that he's a source of joy not disappointment. So, keeping with that, I took the opportunity of his comment to catch him, look him in the eye, and tell him how much he had lifted my mood earlier this morning with his words and actions in reaching out, how his pep talk really gave me confidence and strength, and how I don't get that from anyone else. I told him he brings me so much happiness, knowing he's there and feeling his love gives me strength to fight anything.
He was a little shy, smiled and I could tell loosened up and felt more relaxed with me. Now that I think about it, it might be what diffused the tension from his anger at me from last night. I have to remember that handling a fight well is not the end of it--we're in a fragile stage now, and when he's mad, old feelings of inadequacy flood in for him...I have to proactively and appropriately find ways to tell him how much I love him and how much I mean to him. Keep reinforcing that until I build his trust that he DOES mean a lot to me. The same holds true for me...I tend to jump to conclusions that he doesn't care about me, I come last, everything else is more important...while it's tiring and sometimes offensive to have to reinforce basic feelings towards someone ("of course I care about you, why can't you see that"), it's also because there is something you did to give the opposite impression. And however false, it's their perception, and your job to turn it around. In the end, they want to believe the best, that you DO care, just need a little reinforcement. Patience, patience.
Good steps this morning to reconnect. Good steps also in trying to be more self-aware, realistic, not jumping to assumptions about his behavior. He admitted to me today that he was really tired yesterday...that would explain his mood...last night I made myself let his anger and snaps at me go to a bad mood and bad day....usually I would have internalized it, reacted to it, etc.
A lesson for me: stop taking things so seriously. take it for what it is...don't assume. This comes from detaching, balancing the rest of my life, etc.
A good quote I received today: "Believe that good things can happen in your marriage and expect the best. Every moment you are powerfully impacting your relationship with your thoughts, beliefs, and expectations."
