Thanks for checking in! H and I had a really nice weekend. I think you may actually be proud....no R talks initiated. A few mild ones popped up, by Hs initiation, though. Each time it did, I was sure to not pounce with ?s, just answer his questions, and let it go. There was 1 time he said he didn't want to be trapped in a never-ending conversation, I reminded him that HE brought up the talk, and I wasn't going to do that. He caught himself and said he knows that I'm not doing that anymore and was referencing past history. That's it...conversation dropped and I turned it towards something cheerful.
I had a lot of good PMA this weekend. Focused on house projects, chores, etc (sadly amazing how much chores and projects can give you cheer!) and overall felt pretty good. I even thought about things that upset me that I cannot control and I felt good, didn't get me down.
I had a few moments, when I got quiet and reticent, and H sensed it and initated R talk. He didn't seem afraid to, which was nice. It was also nice to let him know that I can be thinking about us, have some worries, but don't pounce on him to talk, and let him initiate if he wants. It's also good for H to see that I can be a little down or quiet and it's not the end of the world. I think he still has a hard time detaching from my emotions, which means I have to keep them in check extra hard. I found that the only time he really reaches out physically with little affections is when he thinks I may be sad about us or mad at him.
I had a little backslide last night and hopefully recovered. I had taken lots of medications for allergies and was zonked and irritable. Silly, I had made him some goodies to take to work, and told him to take it the next day and he said no thank you (despite the fact that all week I've been telling him that I would and he said OK)...I said OK, then got a little pissy....he backpedaled and said he only said NO b/c he was being polite...but would be happy to take it if I really made it for him. I was so sick of being rejected in small ways and the buffer came undone. I said don't bother, I don't want him to take something out of pity, etc. I was quiet then...he asked if I wanted to talk....I thought of all the things I might say and that they were all emotional, I was drugged and tired and they would end nowhere...so I said no (big 180 for me). Then, he brought up paying for my loans when his big check came in (we share expenses). For some reason, I said no thanks, I would pay when my check came in , save for your loans--I was quet and a little rude in tone, but then also quickly turned hte conversation to other things in a cheerier note. This made him really sad. He asked why I didn't want him to pay for me....I said b/c it made sense with interest/payments, etc. He was sad, I could tell, but I was too zonked to do anything...and honestly, too zonked to not have said something stupid in the first place.
I thought abou tthings all night. We both woke up together and I asked if I could explain some things. I said I was sorry for being pissy about the bread...just that I had wanted to make it for him, and took his rejection personally, which was wrong. I said I felt that he was uncomfortable in taking things from me. He happily accepted the treat, and said that it was not that, just that he felt bad that I did that for him and people he work with...I said that it made me happy to make him feel good in his workplace. That was nice, b/c it's something I've alwas felt, but he never really understood, and I think he finally did. He was gracious in accepting. So I decided to do that same. I told him that I thought about the $ thing, and agreed that I have been really reluctant to spend $$ with things being shaky with us (I get paid more sporadically)...not that I was preparing to leave, or did not want to feel grateful for something so big (he said that this was his thoughts on why I refused $), or wanted to prove that I could make it w/o him and push his offers away. I realized that what it sounded like. I said that really, after thought, I realized that my hesitation was rooted in guilt. It's hard to accept generosity from someone you hurt. It's hard to know how much I hurt him and to see him pay my loans, give me a wonderful Christmas gift. I loved it, and loved him for his deep heart, but it made me sad, and my initial reaction is to say no...b/c I feel like I'm being ungrateful and using him. I guess it's the guilt in me that comes out in the face of his kindness. I said it was something that I felt more strongly when things were shaky a few months ago, but less now, but I still reacted from, and that I would stop. I said that I did not want $ to be "mine and yours" but "ours" as he stated he did as well. Also expenses and decisions are ours as well, as he stated the night before. I said that it was not an attept to separate from him, or hurt him by refusing, but rather a guilt reflex. He understood. He said it was sad, but he wasn't angry. I said that I thought it was a great idea to put $ towards my loans. The conversation ended at that. He didn't seem uncomfortable, really listened and actually looked at me. Likewise, I didn't ask ?s, drone on, just kept it short and to the point and acted cheery afterwards....not making it look like it was going to drag out into the day.
I felt so bad this morning. So sad. Here I was, refusing such a kind gesture, and he tried to talk to me about it and convince me, and I so rudely denied (I was a little snippy from the other conversation). I know this isn't a big deal, but life is short, my H is kind and caring, and I have to try harder.
This mornign was good and hope to have a nice evening as well. "Hope" meaning, hope that I act the way I want to...the rest will happen the way it was meant to.
Well, I dashed (read stomped on) the "hope" I had for a nice evening. I don't know what happened. I have no idea.
Had a meltdown tonight. Bad. Cried. H was there...triggered by him. I was shocked when it all came out....I think it must have been me suppressing.
Long and pointless story really. Just that I need to rebound, figure out what in the world happened, and accept that we're still feeling our way through this, together and alone. It's OK, it's normal. Right???
I'm scared. I'm scared that I think I'm giving this my best, and I'm really not....that there's something out there that I'm missing, that I'm ruining my one last shot at the most beautiful thing in my life. I guess I'm scared of losing it....of thinking that we may have had a few good days, but things are still headed down the wrong track. I feel like I'm poking through this blind at times.
Today has been hard and it's not even 8am. I don't know if this is normal, or if I'm just a very weak person.
I had a meltdown again, just crying when I came home from the gym this morning...H was not with me. This morning, I meditated, gathered literally every ounce of effort in my body to reach out and be pleasant, cheery (somewhat, didn't want to fake it too bad). I reached out with physical affection too, which was nicely received.
BUT, I feel like I'm having one of those days where I reached breaking point. I need to vent here, and then I think it's so sad at all that I need to find another place to vent when my best friend is supposed to be H and we can't seem to talk about anything to do with this (I'm not pushing). I'm having a tough time right now...feeling overwhelmed, like this can't get better, but I can see the light. Like those dreams where you try to run but are stuck. I'm feeling like this is so hard.
Things I am sad about: 1) H comes home and treats me like another task that he's afraid of, like a bomb waiting to explode....it's obvious that there is no real excitement of joy or desire to spend time with me...more like, "we're trying in the M, so I have to do this." I guess that's what I'm doing too...I guess we both imagined making someone happier than we are. That is sad.
2) I continue to do little things for H...don't get 1 acknowledgement or thank you in the middle of the day, or even end of it. Nothing. Like nothing I do matters in comparison to the rest of his "busy" day. I am so sick of hearing how busy he is. When he had FF, he would find the time to text her and call her about 10x/day, but I could be in an emergency and I am lucky to get a call back. So, I stop calling, have for months now. Still, nothing.
3) No affection, physical or emotional. All me reaching out, and was like this before the bomb. He's used to me reaching out to him. It's a strong need for me. I feel like a fly on him...doting, but getting nothing. The only time H initiates affection now is when he's had a few drinks and wants intimacy (which isn't that spontaneous, more like a basic need) or when I'm really sad and he reaches out to console. He didn't used to be like this.
3) No ability to have a normal conversation about us. I know this is a DB no no. But, will we ever get back to that? Can I live with someone who cannot talk about our M...how healthy is that? It feels like we're acting, walking around the big elephant in the room. I know that if that doesn't get better with time, I can't be in this R--isn't that the definition of a BF?
4) H pours insane amounts of hard work into his work, into his routine, his professional life, etc. Especially lately...maybe as an escape and coping with what's been going on with us. He comes home excited to share new projects he's thought of to keep him at work longer, to do things better, to excel at work. I'm happy for him, but think, can you pour a little of this into US right now? Especially when you know it's on the rocks...if you cared and really wanted this, you would give it your best shot, right? Make ever effort and refocus your life on it. But, he's not, so what does that say? H works hard at things that he gets a return from, that make him happy...I guess that's not me or our M.
So much more....I'm just venting. I need to get back on track. Have my cries, stop the pity party and get back. I need to spend this week writing my goals in LIFE, not just M. In fact, I think I want to lay down the M stuff for now. I feel like I'm spinning my wheels. This week will be about refocus on life...setting goals for 2006 that are not tied to H. Work, friends, family, life. I think that'll make me feel better.
My only dilemma...emotionally, I feel on a thread. H really feeds off of my emotions...I know that. I don't pick fights, get mad at him or talk R, but I have to find a way to get the PMA back that I had this weekend...the confidence, the happiness the content and peace.
From then to now, I have no idea what set me off on this path. I have to get back. He did nothing wrong...I guess I just kept my nose to the ground and refused to look at the big picture and when I did, it made me sad.
Just rambling. Hope everyone else is doing better.
You know, I feel sad for H too. I know it's hard to come home and be with someone who is emotionally up and down...makes him feel like he can do nothing right to make me happy, which is his biggest goal in our M. That's gotta be defeating. So, why WOULD he want to try? He feels that he always fails. It's just that he doesn't do the simple things that he knows mean a lot to me....like he's afraid to even try. He said that when the bomb dropped...that he was afraid to try, afraid of failing. I can see why work is more satisfying than being with me...it's almost like he's made himself immuned to having any desire to make me happy or be with me....he knows that he's always a disappointment?? I guess it's what I'm feeling now too, and maybe always have. I stopped trying or wanting to try.
I have to find a way to make him feel that my emotions are natural and not tied to his failing to make me happy.
I have to find a way to get back the vibes of last week. I know if I do, H will try to follow.
When will all this start being natural...stop being such a herculean effort? Such hard work? Such mental energy? Such an act? When will I get my BF back? When will I trust him again as my BF, or when will he trust me? When will we start connecting rather than looking at each other from opposite sides of this great chasm? When will I feel that I'm not with a stranger?
Your PMA has to come from you, not from someone else. Don't depend on your H for your happiness. Personally, I think you are addicted to talking to your H about your R. You obsess about it, you want to know every intimate detail of his thoughts, but then cannot deal with the outcome. That has to stop. Find a different focus, find a different outlet. Here is good, screaming on the street corner or out in the woods is fine too.
You feel like a fly on H? hey that's good! you can feel when a fly lands, right? He knows you are there, he can feel it.
Always, be very careful about what is really happening in your own sitch, and getting caught up in what is going with other people. This is a good place to come and vent and get advice, but do not what is happening with everyone affect your attitude, it happens, I know. Concentrate on you, your marriage, your relationship, your husband. Keep it separate from what you read about everyone else.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Always.....I am sorry to hear that you are struggling today and having a bad day. You gave me some really good advice on my thread, and if only you could apply it to your situation, you might feel a little better.
Work on you and let H work on himself for now. Take half the effort you put into thinking about your M everyday, and put that towards yourself instead. Don't ride the roller coaster I am on. Like you told me, you can't control your H's actions or lack thereof, you can only work on YOU and control your own actions and emtions. Keep them in check.
Do the two of you attend MC? It seems that communication is a problem for most couples, that's why a lot of us are here to begin with, ineffective verbal and non-verbal communication problems. H and I know this is a huge problem for us, so we decided to wait for MC to guide us to communicate better. Is this something that H might be interested in doing?
Think about your personal goals, post them here, vent here, cry here. If meditation isn't helping your PMA, then it's time to try and find something else that may work for you.
I'm sorry to say that you do remind me a lot of my H. Looking for changes everyday, hoping that things get better quicker then they are really going to. This all takes time and whole boatload of patience. I know you want to see positives from your H, that's normal. But, remember, no expectations. IF you continue to have expectations that your H acknowledge things, initiate things, etc. and get attached to that outcome, you are going to be continuously let down.
Hang in there. You are doing good. We all have our really bad days now and then.
~SE
I'm moving on...at last I can see...life has been patiently waiting for me.
Me-32 WAH-35 DD-11 DS-4 H left 11-03 Piecing- 12/04 WAH again- 03/07 Married 12 years Divorce final May 15, 2007
Thanks for the splash of cold water!!! The reality check is exactly what I needed.
Over the past week, it's occured to me that I'm still standing too close to the fire. I think I detach, find peace, and at times I do, but still, it's short lived. Understandable, since I'm scared of losing something very dear. But, analyzing, panicking, reacting, are all things that don't work--I know that. I can see it with others, but not with me. Being too close to the heat contributes to the need to measure progress, being attached to outcomes and being too focused on R talks. I'm feeling blind in all of this...losing trust and security in my own instincts. It's been weeks since I've listened to my gut, that I focused on the long term light, that I wrote little goals for myself. I've thought for a while now that I lost the focus on changing ME, on keeping things up and becoming better...on re-reading books and my own notes and journal entries. I spent a little time doing that today, and BOY, did I have some insight and being reminded of action steps was powerful in getting me out of the funk. I also need to refocus on other aspects of life that allow me to naturally detach, help me feel confident and take pressure off of H and M too. It helps me to be patient with the process (you can see patience is a BIG area I need to work on--it comes from trusting yourself, though).
You're right, WCW....you can't help but to absorb the other sitch's...to top it off, I'm usually a VERY private person, it took me months to get on this board, so I guess I'm not so good at talking about these things and relating to other stories in a normal way. The advice I get here is wonderful, the insight from other sitchs (like Strong's how I mirror her H in ways) is insight that is precious...seeing strategies implemented by others is powerful, as is seeing everyone's tenacity and strength. BUT, time to refocus on my R.
I think for the past few weeks, I've been lazy, getting through each day with no planning or anticipation and mental training of reactions; I lost sight of being proactive & positive, of reminding myself of patience, of setting small goals. I've just reacted, plodded along and fell on old tracks again.
Strong, you have no idea how much it helps me to see your thoughts on how your H makes you feel. You're right, in ways we're in the same shoes...and it helps to see how I need to make BIG 180 changes and not go back and forth on them and also control my emotions...it will only push H away. To be honest, as much as I expect him to come around, I look at my expectations and see that I feel much as he does...so we both need time. I need to be honest that it's hard for me too, I'm not ready for normal yet, this is going to be slow and will be better for it.
Good day overall. I was impatient and rude to H (not R related, but rather me being work-business impatient self) about a work thing and he was mad. He NEVER tells me when he's angry; I was so happy he expressed himself. I immediately said sorry, and handled in a very 180 way for me. It was an effort the whole way, but I was THINKING, not just REACTING. I tried hard to detach from his emotions and mine.
We're running errands tonight. I'm feeling overwhelmed with work and personal stuff for the next few days. I reached out to H and asked for his thoughs, to vent, and ask for his help--never do this usually. It was hard and I waffled, almost bailed. But I did it. That was nice (I usually don't ask for help b/c he's always so BUSY, and then get mad at him for not helping...so passive aggressive, another dirty habit!). I was nonchalant when he didn't seem enthused to help...then he wanted to help, so I accepted. I didn't let it go either, b/c I feel it's fair that we BOTH make time for our life together (social/personal) when things get busy for both of us.
OK, better at controlling the moods...will be hard with the PMS attack!!!
This morning went well...H was in a bad mood and I was feeling frazzled with lots on my plate today with work and social stuff. Two partners in a funk is a recipe for disaster in a fragile M.....I got to feeling like H was not really jumping in to help, going down a negative track with thoughts. I pried myself into reality, and saw that I was assuming and hadn't given him a chance to help, as is typical behavior for me--time to BREAK that cyle!!!
Back to the goal of reaching out, and making a special effort to do so in tense time, I reached out and told him about my day, and of course, he offered to help, insisted...that was sweet. He sensed that I was frazzled and feeling insecure about work stuff today and really gave me a much needed pep talk (more of a "buck up, you have to do this, no time to fall down now.."). His reaching out really put me in a great mood, made me happy--I realized then how as much as I think I am distanced from him, I still derive a lot of strength in his love and confidence in me. He said something as we walked into work...that i would feel better when I saw people other than him. Made me sad to hear that...he still feels insecure about his ability to make me happy. He's still really tied to my emotions (feeling frazzled about work) as I am to his. One thought I had yesterday when I refocused on M stuff is that my job with him is to make him feel that he's a source of joy not disappointment. So, keeping with that, I took the opportunity of his comment to catch him, look him in the eye, and tell him how much he had lifted my mood earlier this morning with his words and actions in reaching out, how his pep talk really gave me confidence and strength, and how I don't get that from anyone else. I told him he brings me so much happiness, knowing he's there and feeling his love gives me strength to fight anything.
He was a little shy, smiled and I could tell loosened up and felt more relaxed with me. Now that I think about it, it might be what diffused the tension from his anger at me from last night. I have to remember that handling a fight well is not the end of it--we're in a fragile stage now, and when he's mad, old feelings of inadequacy flood in for him...I have to proactively and appropriately find ways to tell him how much I love him and how much I mean to him. Keep reinforcing that until I build his trust that he DOES mean a lot to me. The same holds true for me...I tend to jump to conclusions that he doesn't care about me, I come last, everything else is more important...while it's tiring and sometimes offensive to have to reinforce basic feelings towards someone ("of course I care about you, why can't you see that"), it's also because there is something you did to give the opposite impression. And however false, it's their perception, and your job to turn it around. In the end, they want to believe the best, that you DO care, just need a little reinforcement. Patience, patience.
Good steps this morning to reconnect. Good steps also in trying to be more self-aware, realistic, not jumping to assumptions about his behavior. He admitted to me today that he was really tired yesterday...that would explain his mood...last night I made myself let his anger and snaps at me go to a bad mood and bad day....usually I would have internalized it, reacted to it, etc.
A lesson for me: stop taking things so seriously. take it for what it is...don't assume. This comes from detaching, balancing the rest of my life, etc.
A good quote I received today: "Believe that good things can happen in your marriage and expect the best. Every moment you are powerfully impacting your relationship with your thoughts, beliefs, and expectations."
I don't know if this is normal, or if I'm just a very weak person.