Today has been hard and it's not even 8am. I don't know if this is normal, or if I'm just a very weak person.

I had a meltdown again, just crying when I came home from the gym this morning...H was not with me. This morning, I meditated, gathered literally every ounce of effort in my body to reach out and be pleasant, cheery (somewhat, didn't want to fake it too bad). I reached out with physical affection too, which was nicely received.

BUT, I feel like I'm having one of those days where I reached breaking point. I need to vent here, and then I think it's so sad at all that I need to find another place to vent when my best friend is supposed to be H and we can't seem to talk about anything to do with this (I'm not pushing). I'm having a tough time right now...feeling overwhelmed, like this can't get better, but I can see the light. Like those dreams where you try to run but are stuck. I'm feeling like this is so hard.

Things I am sad about:
1) H comes home and treats me like another task that he's afraid of, like a bomb waiting to explode....it's obvious that there is no real excitement of joy or desire to spend time with me...more like, "we're trying in the M, so I have to do this." I guess that's what I'm doing too...I guess we both imagined making someone happier than we are. That is sad.

2) I continue to do little things for H...don't get 1 acknowledgement or thank you in the middle of the day, or even end of it. Nothing. Like nothing I do matters in comparison to the rest of his "busy" day. I am so sick of hearing how busy he is. When he had FF, he would find the time to text her and call her about 10x/day, but I could be in an emergency and I am lucky to get a call back. So, I stop calling, have for months now. Still, nothing.

3) No affection, physical or emotional. All me reaching out, and was like this before the bomb. He's used to me reaching out to him. It's a strong need for me. I feel like a fly on him...doting, but getting nothing. The only time H initiates affection now is when he's had a few drinks and wants intimacy (which isn't that spontaneous, more like a basic need) or when I'm really sad and he reaches out to console. He didn't used to be like this.

3) No ability to have a normal conversation about us. I know this is a DB no no. But, will we ever get back to that? Can I live with someone who cannot talk about our M...how healthy is that? It feels like we're acting, walking around the big elephant in the room. I know that if that doesn't get better with time, I can't be in this R--isn't that the definition of a BF?

4) H pours insane amounts of hard work into his work, into his routine, his professional life, etc. Especially lately...maybe as an escape and coping with what's been going on with us. He comes home excited to share new projects he's thought of to keep him at work longer, to do things better, to excel at work. I'm happy for him, but think, can you pour a little of this into US right now? Especially when you know it's on the rocks...if you cared and really wanted this, you would give it your best shot, right? Make ever effort and refocus your life on it. But, he's not, so what does that say? H works hard at things that he gets a return from, that make him happy...I guess that's not me or our M.

So much more....I'm just venting. I need to get back on track. Have my cries, stop the pity party and get back. I need to spend this week writing my goals in LIFE, not just M. In fact, I think I want to lay down the M stuff for now. I feel like I'm spinning my wheels. This week will be about refocus on life...setting goals for 2006 that are not tied to H. Work, friends, family, life. I think that'll make me feel better.

My only dilemma...emotionally, I feel on a thread. H really feeds off of my emotions...I know that. I don't pick fights, get mad at him or talk R, but I have to find a way to get the PMA back that I had this weekend...the confidence, the happiness the content and peace.

From then to now, I have no idea what set me off on this path. I have to get back. He did nothing wrong...I guess I just kept my nose to the ground and refused to look at the big picture and when I did, it made me sad.

Just rambling. Hope everyone else is doing better.

You know, I feel sad for H too. I know it's hard to come home and be with someone who is emotionally up and down...makes him feel like he can do nothing right to make me happy, which is his biggest goal in our M. That's gotta be defeating. So, why WOULD he want to try? He feels that he always fails. It's just that he doesn't do the simple things that he knows mean a lot to me....like he's afraid to even try. He said that when the bomb dropped...that he was afraid to try, afraid of failing. I can see why work is more satisfying than being with me...it's almost like he's made himself immuned to having any desire to make me happy or be with me....he knows that he's always a disappointment?? I guess it's what I'm feeling now too, and maybe always have. I stopped trying or wanting to try.

I have to find a way to make him feel that my emotions are natural and not tied to his failing to make me happy.

I have to find a way to get back the vibes of last week. I know if I do, H will try to follow.

When will all this start being natural...stop being such a herculean effort? Such hard work? Such mental energy? Such an act? When will I get my BF back? When will I trust him again as my BF, or when will he trust me? When will we start connecting rather than looking at each other from opposite sides of this great chasm? When will I feel that I'm not with a stranger?

Little steps...I can't forget that.