Thanks for checking in! H and I had a really nice weekend. I think you may actually be proud....no R talks initiated. A few mild ones popped up, by Hs initiation, though. Each time it did, I was sure to not pounce with ?s, just answer his questions, and let it go. There was 1 time he said he didn't want to be trapped in a never-ending conversation, I reminded him that HE brought up the talk, and I wasn't going to do that. He caught himself and said he knows that I'm not doing that anymore and was referencing past history. That's it...conversation dropped and I turned it towards something cheerful.

I had a lot of good PMA this weekend. Focused on house projects, chores, etc (sadly amazing how much chores and projects can give you cheer!) and overall felt pretty good. I even thought about things that upset me that I cannot control and I felt good, didn't get me down.

I had a few moments, when I got quiet and reticent, and H sensed it and initated R talk. He didn't seem afraid to, which was nice. It was also nice to let him know that I can be thinking about us, have some worries, but don't pounce on him to talk, and let him initiate if he wants. It's also good for H to see that I can be a little down or quiet and it's not the end of the world. I think he still has a hard time detaching from my emotions, which means I have to keep them in check extra hard. I found that the only time he really reaches out physically with little affections is when he thinks I may be sad about us or mad at him.

I had a little backslide last night and hopefully recovered. I had taken lots of medications for allergies and was zonked and irritable. Silly, I had made him some goodies to take to work, and told him to take it the next day and he said no thank you (despite the fact that all week I've been telling him that I would and he said OK)...I said OK, then got a little pissy....he backpedaled and said he only said NO b/c he was being polite...but would be happy to take it if I really made it for him. I was so sick of being rejected in small ways and the buffer came undone. I said don't bother, I don't want him to take something out of pity, etc. I was quiet then...he asked if I wanted to talk....I thought of all the things I might say and that they were all emotional, I was drugged and tired and they would end nowhere...so I said no (big 180 for me). Then, he brought up paying for my loans when his big check came in (we share expenses). For some reason, I said no thanks, I would pay when my check came in , save for your loans--I was quet and a little rude in tone, but then also quickly turned hte conversation to other things in a cheerier note. This made him really sad. He asked why I didn't want him to pay for me....I said b/c it made sense with interest/payments, etc. He was sad, I could tell, but I was too zonked to do anything...and honestly, too zonked to not have said something stupid in the first place.

I thought abou tthings all night. We both woke up together and I asked if I could explain some things. I said I was sorry for being pissy about the bread...just that I had wanted to make it for him, and took his rejection personally, which was wrong. I said I felt that he was uncomfortable in taking things from me. He happily accepted the treat, and said that it was not that, just that he felt bad that I did that for him and people he work with...I said that it made me happy to make him feel good in his workplace. That was nice, b/c it's something I've alwas felt, but he never really understood, and I think he finally did. He was gracious in accepting. So I decided to do that same. I told him that I thought about the $ thing, and agreed that I have been really reluctant to spend $$ with things being shaky with us (I get paid more sporadically)...not that I was preparing to leave, or did not want to feel grateful for something so big (he said that this was his thoughts on why I refused $), or wanted to prove that I could make it w/o him and push his offers away. I realized that what it sounded like. I said that really, after thought, I realized that my hesitation was rooted in guilt. It's hard to accept generosity from someone you hurt. It's hard to know how much I hurt him and to see him pay my loans, give me a wonderful Christmas gift. I loved it, and loved him for his deep heart, but it made me sad, and my initial reaction is to say no...b/c I feel like I'm being ungrateful and using him. I guess it's the guilt in me that comes out in the face of his kindness. I said it was something that I felt more strongly when things were shaky a few months ago, but less now, but I still reacted from, and that I would stop. I said that I did not want $ to be "mine and yours" but "ours" as he stated he did as well. Also expenses and decisions are ours as well, as he stated the night before. I said that it was not an attept to separate from him, or hurt him by refusing, but rather a guilt reflex. He understood. He said it was sad, but he wasn't angry. I said that I thought it was a great idea to put $ towards my loans. The conversation ended at that. He didn't seem uncomfortable, really listened and actually looked at me. Likewise, I didn't ask ?s, drone on, just kept it short and to the point and acted cheery afterwards....not making it look like it was going to drag out into the day.

I felt so bad this morning. So sad. Here I was, refusing such a kind gesture, and he tried to talk to me about it and convince me, and I so rudely denied (I was a little snippy from the other conversation). I know this isn't a big deal, but life is short, my H is kind and caring, and I have to try harder.

This mornign was good and hope to have a nice evening as well. "Hope" meaning, hope that I act the way I want to...the rest will happen the way it was meant to.