Thanks so much for the great advice, Slowly (welcome back from vaca!) and WCW. You'd both be quite proud....no R talk yesterday or today. In fact, H brought something up about our past with respect to R, I just validated and didn't pursue, didn't add or anything. I acted comfortable, so he doesn't feel that I don't want to talk, but rather that it can be casual, comfortable and not end in a huge emotional outpouring. At least that's what I tried to do. Ya know, I didn't even *want* to take the talk further...I guess that's the best part!
Slowly, thanks for explaining re-framing. I definately understand what you're trying to say. I'm trying to have lower expectations about our time together...he is really stressed at work, so I'm taking this as an opportunity to practice a new skill/change--not to take his moods personally, not to put pressure on myself to make him happy, to let him be and just be supportive. This was a real trip for me in the past, and H was a really sour person, so it made for a bad combination. But, I'm trying to detach from his emotions...I find that when I do, he sees and tries to pull himself out of a funk, forces him to talk openly and non-emotionally about his day, and just put it away. So it's better for both of us.
With regard to expectations...the only ones I have are for me. this week, I've really lost the urge to find his feelings, his progress, measure our actions together and see if we're getting better. I'm trying to take this time to refocus on me, again. It's easy to lose the focus b/c we're trained to look for results of our actions. Now, I'm trying to make sure that I remember all the actions/changes I want to implement and do them. I focus on trying to reach out consistently, on being non-critical, not solving problems or always putting my 2 cents in, unless it's as a friend. I think about what I say before I say it. I try to say/think of more + things. I try to initiate affection (I withdrew when this mess started), but not expect it back (this was a long term goal but I'm seeing progress now). Not to be offended by things. I'm trying to accept, let go, but when it's something important to me, to NOT let it go, but instead approach it differently that I did before--I'm tying to make sustainable changes. H sees that. When I feel anxious or upset and get quiet or sad, I tell him, openly...to avoid him thinking I'm mad at him. He's great about consoling. Most of all, I'm trying to reengage in the other parts of my life that mean a lot: work, friends, family, new hobbies, etc. The balance is so good for me.
It also helps that this week, H and I have really broken through the awkward wall, mostly. There are still times when it's more of an effort than natural, but this is a slow ride, right? It's still work, but much less than it used to be. But, oddly, I feel good about it taking a slow time and not an instant change, I feel that it's *real* healing.
I'll want to steer clear of R talks and keep the peace. The contradiction is knowing when and when not to....b/c H also said (and I feel the same) that the painful R talks were what really pushed us forward...especially the one last week. I guess I have to be more perceptive as to when ist he right time, when is not. Not the casual, annoying talks, but more like the ones where an issue is staring us in the face and we have to talk, to get over the issue, get closer, and to show him that I can talk about things w/o getting freaked and combative.
BUT, not to worry, I won't talk R....I'm going to take your advice and what I see as working. Save the R talks for when it's REALLY needed....not to cry wolf.
Thanks....I'm reading your posts and trying to learn...thanks for taking the time to check in!
