Hi always - Sorry it has taken me a few days to answer your question about re-framing. Time online has been a little scarce

It's been about 13 weeks since we first fell apart....geez, we've come far. I feel like this week especially has been a real "breakthrough" of sorts...and funny thing, I remember thinking in Nov, when things were really low, that Jan would be a good month and when the fever would break.

It is so important to acknowledge milestones, at least the positive ones. To some extent, looks like you had a 'goal' of some sort that by the end of Jan, the worst of the silences, suspicion and worry would be behind you. Seems like you may be moving into a phase of how to get more comfortable with each other. The R talks can be vexing. To this day, I feel like NG and I have not had a proper R talk, and I know it is not something he is ready for yet. We seem to have 5 minute 'opportunistic' segways when a related topic comes up for discussion

Helped that H woke up and really reached out in an affectionate way. We had a great morning, and I hope to do the same tonight....

Funny thing about expectations, and here is where the re-framing comes in. As long as you were un certain about how things will be this morning, you woke up, and did the 'meditation' which may have sent positive vibes around. In any case, as H turned to you, you were genuinely pleased because it was more than you had expected. If you 'hope' the evening will be the same, and it does not happen, might you not be disappointed? How about a 'goal' is for some hand holding and together time this evening, and to do this you, always, will do x, y z. Then if you do get a replay of the morning, you are happy your goal is achieved.

Often the end result is the same, but with being careful about how the event is framed, we can put ourselves in a position to feel better about it. Several days of feeling better about things can make a big difference to the bigger picture.

I'm finding that I'm starting to feel calmer when we talk and don't have to ask a million questions and be panicked.

I know, I used to be in the same place Over time, and lost of duct tape, it is possible to get over this phase of wanting to analyse every word, and needing to know every move and action. It is hard though. But pursuing R talks could be the single most detrimental thing in a recovering R, IMO. Let it happen naturally. Being happy despite the lack of R talks seems to be the common element in successfully recovering Rs.

Wishing you a fabulous weekend. Slowly

A Liberal Allowance of Time