This morning was nice. I woke up and remembered my tactic, and took a few minutes to really orient myself, in a positive way. Helped that H woke up and really reached out in an affectionate way. We had a great morning, and I hope to do the same tonight....
My hope for the day: a nice night, lots of laughs, no R talk, continue to reach out with affection. Just a light nite. No negative thoughts creeping in. H is really trying to move forward. He doesn't like to talk R, but I think that may come around. I have to give him his space. At least I hope so, b/c his method isn't perfect either...somehow we need to find a way to come somewhere in teh middle...talk about it and put it to rest. Hopefully that'll come when things get more comfortable. He mentioned before that his fears of talking were that it was a sad topic, he returns to past angers, he hates making me sad, he doesn't want me to get mad. So, if we can work on establishing a more comfortable R now, with more good days, then hopefully his comfort will be enough to open up, and mine will be such that I won't have to be incessant in the talk (more secure). I'm finding that I'm starting to feel calmer when we talk and don't have to ask a million questions and be panicked.
I guess I have to remember to be patient with H and myself. This takes a little time. Sometimes when you think about it, it seems that once things are explained, apologized for, it should snap back, but then you face it and realize it takes a lot longer than you thought.
It's been about 13 weeks since we first fell apart....geez, we've come far. I feel like this week especially has been a real "breakthrough" of sorts...and funny thing, I remember thinking in Nov, when things were really low, that Jan would be a good month and when the fever would break.
Now, time to focus on getting healthy again. There might be more ups and downs, but all part of making the healing last into a stronger bond than ever.
