Ugh. I'm really hating myself right now. Had a nice morning, worked out and felt great--went with H. Nice day at work. Then, the evening blues kicked in. H actually came home for dinner, then had to go back to work. I was normal, a little subdued, but normal during dinner. I brought up the subject of his parents, and he asked me to not talk about it...I did stop...I was sad so started to clean up, do other things, he came in and started helping and I snapped at him, he was really trying to cheer me up. I felt sad so I apologized about snapping (before this would have been a pissy fight). I said that I was just anxious about the whole thing, and didn't need to take it out on him.
We had a lot of laughs after that, he was teasing me, it was great. Then, a wave of discomfort came again, when I asked whether he has shared our hardship with other friends (he asked me if I had, and I told him the 1 friend I did...not to share what I said so much as out of respect for him that I talked about US to a mutual friend that he will see again, and he deserves to know--I feel it's a basic respect). He denied telling friends...then admitted to telling 1 here. I KNOW for a FACT he told one of his good friends, and he denied (I didn't flat out ask him). He lied so cooly. That really freaked me out. It's a small thing, but it just shattered my trust again....weird, I know. Then, I couldn't help it, I blurted out and asked if he had other friends that he talked to on the other phone, he said no, I asked if he meant it and looked in his eyes, he said no again. Then he said, "you just don't trust me, do you." I said "I do" but it was obvious that I didn't mean it. He just left, he was sad. I was too.
I feel like I ruined a good week. I feel like I pushed something that might not have been necessary. You know, most of the day, I push it down, out of my mind, I try really hard to stop thinking about dumb things that I think were the last things that I would have to be concerned about in my M. How it's sad it's not something or someone I totally trust. It's small, I know, and things that we did to each other during our M and healing over the last few months. I feel that we've really come far, and broke through this last week, so I should PUT ALL THAT AWAY. It doesn't matter.
The funny thing is, I'm calm. I do trust him, I have moments of doubt. Most of the time they're kept in, sometimes they come out. I feel so bad. Then, I feel like this just happened 5 days ago, and I asked questions that seemed like I mistrusted him just a few times in that time, over something fairly weird and concerning (a secret phone??!!). I think I'm allowed that. I don't argue, ask him to stop using it, ask to see it, or even the number. I just ask about his use of it--last time I asked about it was Monday...I guess he doesn't have to tell me that either....this is all so stupid, so idiotic.
I feel bummed now during this eggshell phase....like I can't do something totally simple and appropriate like asking about a major lie without feeling like I'm gonna set this whole thing back to square 1.
Maybe I'm making this into too big of a deal. I have to spend tonight really thinking about this, how I feel, what the consequences are to the various outcomes in my head, listen to my gut, and then just put it away for a LONG time. I know I've said this on this BB before, but this time for real.
Not to toot my horn, but I feel that I've really come around in "typical trigger" situations b/w us (like the fighting, snapping, controlling, understanding, etc). I know I'm not perfect....so I guess the next best thing is to realize, and change.
I don't think I'm gonna apologize for asking those questions. I changed how I would have typically act...that is enough. I won't say sorry for something that should be expected when he lied....he realizes that he has trust issues with me, testing me out, and I am too.
Asking more questions isn't getting me anywhere, same answer, and it may be the truth. Have to move forward now. Put this in the past. Figure it out later--just weird.
All I can do now is when he comes back home, pretend this didn't happen (his favorite game) and move on, and be comfortable as usual. Then I have to keep a streak of not asking this stuff for a while. I have to remember that he's really really trying too.
I hope we can get to the phase where I always look at him like a close friend, and not pangs of when I feel like I'm with a stranger.
Slowly....slowly. One step at a time. One success and one fumble at a time.
