A little bummed out this morning and last night. H came home late, went to bed, I reached out and was affectionate towards him, despite the negative feelings creeping in my mind. As soon as I did, they instantly went away, he was so tired but still said something sweet, which made the negative thoughts dissapate immediately.
This morning, I was still bummed. He could sense, and asked. I said it's nothing you want to talk about now. He said he wanted to know. I said I was just bummed about us....realizing what a nice break it was yesterday from obsessing about the stress of our M, and that was sad. I then told him that I was VERY happy this week we've been more comfortable that ever, it made me giddy each day. He agreed, said "Absolutely." I smiled and he reached out too. I said it was nice that we're reaching out to each other more. Then, I screwed up, and asked if he was hiding anything else, and he sadly said no. I asked if he was said, he said yes, b/c of the whole trust thing, but understood. I said yes, it was unnerving with the lies, but it's not that he always lied to me, just as a coping to my bad reactions, I understand and apologize. I also said that it's not the M I wanted, he said not him either. I said it contributed to the distance. And then, just so he wouldn't feel that I was blaming him, I again took the reason why he lied upon myself and said, likewise, I don't want a M where I behave badly, I thought about it again yesterday and it made me disgusted. I want us to be close again, and I know we'll get thre. I said that he had distrust too, over how I would react, and this all came slowly as the other person built the trust in the other again. He was sad, as he left.
I felt so bad for bringing this up. But, I didn't intend on it, I was hiding from him this morning. I hope this doesn't take us back to the land of discomfort and awkwardness. I hope that I can make up for it....ugh, it makes me sad to think that I might have undone this weeks progress....but I also think that we glazed over the whole issue and I still had feelings, which I was glad I expressed in a calm way.
So, I realized that today is our 14th anniversary of meeting. I called H. He called back, very sullen, getting ready for me to start into a fight with him again, while he's at work. So, he has trust issues too. I very cheerily screamed into the phone, Happy Anniversary. He let out a breath of releif and laughed. I joked and said I KNEW he was nervous to call me back and sullen b/c he thought I was gonna pick a fight...I said I was bummed at that, that I did it to myself and hoped to change that impression. We laughed, talked. I told him how much I love him, how many differnt ways I've loved him over 14 yrs, and how I finally understood what he's always said, I love you more deeply today, even with all this stress, than I did then.
He responded a little, but then was abrupt, but polite in leaving...turns out he came out of a meeting to get my page. SORRY!!!!! But, he wasn't his usual gotta run attitude...he stayed on the phone for a bit...so I could tell that it made him happy to hear it and that I called sounding happy.
Tonight, I'm gonna focus on just continuing to reach out, feel comfortable, not bring up R stuff, go with our better vibes of this week. I want him to know that we can bring up uncomfortable stuff, chat a bit about it, calmly, and then let it go, no expectations, no insistence, etc--and we can still go on being happy, not drag it out into a fight or awkward feelings. This morning I did none of the questions, just talked, he agreed to stuff I said.
Strong, I know you said NO R talk, b/c H is just like you. I didn't intend to, but I still made a mistake. Plus, I wasn't cornering him, just openly and neutraly talking about things b/w us, how I felt, how it would get better. It's reality. H has a habit of being a "guy" in glazing over things, forgetting about it, a little too fast, and it's the unhealthy thing we both did to land us here. I want to break that cycle, to talk about things, but not in the crazy fights that I did either. Get us to a new level of openness.I realize that I have minimize the talks for now, and let them drop quickly, which is what I did the last 2 days. I hope that it'll build trust in him that I cna handle a R talk. When I think back, he used to be open to talking, before I turned into a raving B**&%$.
I also told him that I read something that made me happy, in one of my M e-magazines. It said that happy couples are not unwilling to face divorce...I was shocked to read this...but it went on to say that complacency is the fastest way to D...just putting up with things, settling, eventually exploded into D and killed feelings. It said that truly happy and healthy couples did the work to reverse these things, tear things apart and do the painful work/effort. It made me feel good, it did him too..he smiled.
I'm not making excuses for my R talk this morning. I tried to avoid it, then when he knew that I was bummed, I didn't want to avoid further and he gets sad as he leaves...usually he thinks I'm mad at HIM, which is not the case, so I decided to talk.
I hope that even this was 1 small step towards healing and creating healthier cyles. Also, just b/c I see him bummed doesn'tm ean that it's the end of the world...I have to realize that he's bummed, just like me. We agreed that even though thigns are going great, we still had issues, and thinking about this while time is still sad, just b/c it happened. You can't help feeling that way every once in a while. Hopefully, with time, it will get fewer and fewer as we get further and further from this.
