I had a fantastic and very productive day at work today, was so happy. Then, I was bummed, b/c I realized what a wonderful feeling it was to submerge myself in something other than the constant, even secondary thought of my M. For one full day, it didn't even enter my mind. I was sad that I had forgotten to lose myeslf in the joy of other parts of my life. I was sad that my M, at the time, was something that brought me stress, not joy, and I needed escape from. Reality check.
BUT, things get better each day. Some with leaps and bounds, some with small snail steps. I'm keeping up with pushing myself, looking at my goals (it also helps looking at goals of others and getting ideas on how I could push myself more). I push myself to bridge the gap, to reach out and reconnect. I push myself to remember that he's looking at me with just the same amount of mistrust that I want this (after all, his whole discontent was thinking that I didn't love him, need him, want him). I push myself to remember to be patient, as he was so patient and forgiving of me so many times (ugh, hate thinking of all the ugly things)., I push myself to trust him as my best friend. I push myself to try to be the partner I want. I push myself to think about what I said, and what H said when we defined our vision of the perfect M and partner, and to act accordingly. I push myself to remember, that at the end of the day, I can't imagine life without H, would be devastated if a freak accident took him away, so why take away all the moments of life that we DO have with silly behaviors.
Last night was good. H stated that he had to get a grocery item in town (40 min away) and had to work til late. He called and asked if I was up for the ride, but didn't have to come (could tell he would like if I did). I was tired, but went, to laugh, reconnect, etc. I brought up, cautiously, our R, trust issues, asked his forgiveness of my mistrust, but explained why I would be that way. He was uncomfortable at talk of the phone, but agreed. I was calm and sweet and actually joking about the phone and it went well. I did a big 180. I took a subject that I would have normally BLEW UP about for days, and made a joke of it, and comfortable for us to laugh, and for him to talk, which he did. He explained that there wasn't mystery, he didn't say sorry, he wanted to talk to his parents but didn't want me to look at the bill and get paranoid that thye were conspiring against me since their new feelings about me. I said I understood that, and that he felt that I always questioned things, that I wouldn't, and I hope he felt comfortable enough with me someday, I would work on gaining that trust in him, just as he is working on gaining trust in me (not lying). He said he rarely used it, had no FF or other uses for the phone (admitted that he did call some other people on it, but rarely used it). He got snappy, but then calmed down, when I explained that I had a right to ask, since we're committed to working on the trust thing. I also let the conversation go, but that we might pick up at a later time. He agreed. I realized that I have to build his trust that I won't nag him. I realize about H that he gets snappy and defensive when he's being accused of something that he thinks is bad (cheating) and he's not done...when I overrect and overassume his behaviors...when he's really guilty, he just gets really sad and quiet. Makes sense to me. Overall, I joked about the whole thing, and it really helped him feel a lot more comfortable that he normally would be, and was the reason why he spoke at all. So, doing the 180s to approaching diff. things is really working. I know him, I won't have to demand anything...it's clear to him that I'm uncomfortable with the phone, I said it's not the M I want, and I don't have to demand from him that he stop. He will...that's what pissed him off int he first place...he's not the type of guy that needs to be hit on the head, he's sensitive and willing to give...it makes him mad when I don't give him that credit.
But, I think later, I might bring it back up, b/c it is werid. I'll just casually ask, in the future weeks, if he;s still using the phone. By that time, I hope that we have some continued good vibes, and I can have a right to say it's not something I'm comfortable with. Who knows....what do you think?
Well, that's it for now. Nice evening, H came for dinner and then left again for work. I could tell he was waiting for a nice bye from me, and I stoped what I was doing and gave him a hug and kiss. I have to I love him, want him...so I have to do a LOT more reaching out.
