Quote: Don't know what to make of it all...just let it go for now and trust. What do you think?
I have learned the hard way to trust my instinct. But, if you sincerely feel he is being honest, then I would let it go for now. I don't think it will be long beofre the truth comes out if he's lying.
I think it's always a shock when we discover our spouses have lied to us. And I always felt if H lied about the little things, he would lie about the bigger things. Turned out I was right.
Glad to hear that you stopped and thought last night and reached out to your H despite your mood. You are taking many, many steps in the right direction and I don't think it will be long before you see the full bbenefit of giving this your all. I hope the positive vibes keep coming!!!!
YYYYUUUUMMM- Toasted Almonds. SOOO GOOOD. LOL. They are a nice change sometimes.
Yeah, I like the thrift stores too. Again...the I didn't know I needed but now that I see it, I need it.(Ok, so it's more I WANT it then NEED it but it's all good) Cheap thrills DO go a long way. My biggest find was an antique portuguese wedding basket in mint condition I paid 99 cents for it. It's actually worth money!!! HeeHee....See I KNEW I NEEDED it!!!!! I don't know where you live...but if it's close I would love to go shopping with you!!!!! (A shopaholic here)
Hope your night is good. More beer?????
~Strong
I'm moving on...at last I can see...life has been patiently waiting for me.
Me-32 WAH-35 DD-11 DS-4 H left 11-03 Piecing- 12/04 WAH again- 03/07 Married 12 years Divorce final May 15, 2007
Good advice. I do trust him. But, I still think there may be friends he calls on that phone b/c he doesn't want me to find out. I don't think there is anything there, but still, the thought of it is weird.
I have been good today, still feelings...if we really want to work on this we have to work on trust. I'm making a leap to trust him and believe him. BUT, I don't want a M where we have secret phones or think we have to keep certain calls secret. I hate that and don't want that. That's part of why I cried so hard, and I told him that, thisis not the M I want. At the same time, I don't want to demand, like I always do, andhe hates. I don't want to say, get rid of that phone. I figure if you're doing something that youdon't want to reveal to your spouse, probably something you shouldn't be doing in the first place, simple as that.
SO, I have no idea how to approach this. I want to tell him that I trust him, beileve him. I'm sorry he thinks he needs to have a phone for a separate part of his life. I hope that he can learn to trust me too. I can't force that. Should I say something more? Should I leave it at that? I mean, OF COURSE this is hard for me to handle and I mistrust him....he lied about a FF who he had intense contact with and now has a secret phone....what the hell would anyone else think? Even writing it here, I sound like an blind and stupid wife. I think I have a little right to ask about things.
I don't know. I'm getting worked up again, and I also realize the FRAGILE state we're in...I don't want to wreck that with my demands, if he would come around on his own anyway. Maybe this is a 180 chance for me....keep my mouth shut about it, and see what he does....return the phone, stop using it (how would I know?).
I hate all this pretending, acting. I hate this distance, and being with someone I know so little about and constantly find these new things....I hate this. Ugh.
I forgot to pick up some beer! here I am, have the whole night alone to myself, and no beer to get myself drunk for the first time in my life.
I was in Albuquerque once, it snowed. Went to a place at the top of tall hill called High Finance restaraunt. Appropriately named.
If he was hiding the cell phone from you, would he have left it stick out of his pocket? Sure it's a thorn, but what can you do about it? Nothing. What about your cell phone? Lock it up, put a password on it, create your own mystery - if that's what you want to do. Otherwise, let it go. Will 'demanding' get you anywhere? I've been there, am there, about cell phones. I bet if you take a survey, there are more affairs started due to cell phone usage than any other thing. I hate them, but I ain't giving mine up!
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
WCW, thanks for the reality check...I needed that. As I mentioned, this last hour before I go home is the hardest and when I get all the negative feelings b/c I know that I'm walking into something uncomfortable.
I think for tonight I will let it go. Just focus on getting the good vibes back in the M, so it's not so threatening to talk about the cell phone when it does come up.
Thanks, I needed that. What, you live in WI and NO BEER. I read a study that WI had the most beer sales in the US, most beer served in establishments...that's funny.
Maybe we could start you out on something light, fruity and tasty first?
Quote: I hate all this pretending, acting. I hate this distance, and being with someone I know so little about and constantly find these new things....I hate this. Ugh.
Since misery loves company.......here I am!! I know how you feel on this one. Do you think your H may feel the same way? Is this something that you can talk to him about and see what his take on that statement is? As difficult as it is, sometimes we have to fake it until we make it.
How did your night go focusing on the positive vibes and letting go of the negative?
You say the last hour before you go home is the hardest b/c of negative feelings about your uncomfortable situation. Is there anything you can think of that would either calm your nerves or redirect your negativity? Focus on something positive in your M that has happened? (maybe stop at the thrift store for a cheap thrill to boost your spirits?) On the ride home, can you crank up your radio and sing your heart out to your favorite tunes? The point I am trying to get at is can you think of something you can do to life your spirits up a little before getting home into that uncomfortable position? Would that help you to see a little more positivity in your situation and then going home might not be so nerve wracking?
~Strong
I'm moving on...at last I can see...life has been patiently waiting for me.
Me-32 WAH-35 DD-11 DS-4 H left 11-03 Piecing- 12/04 WAH again- 03/07 Married 12 years Divorce final May 15, 2007
I had a fantastic and very productive day at work today, was so happy. Then, I was bummed, b/c I realized what a wonderful feeling it was to submerge myself in something other than the constant, even secondary thought of my M. For one full day, it didn't even enter my mind. I was sad that I had forgotten to lose myeslf in the joy of other parts of my life. I was sad that my M, at the time, was something that brought me stress, not joy, and I needed escape from. Reality check.
BUT, things get better each day. Some with leaps and bounds, some with small snail steps. I'm keeping up with pushing myself, looking at my goals (it also helps looking at goals of others and getting ideas on how I could push myself more). I push myself to bridge the gap, to reach out and reconnect. I push myself to remember that he's looking at me with just the same amount of mistrust that I want this (after all, his whole discontent was thinking that I didn't love him, need him, want him). I push myself to remember to be patient, as he was so patient and forgiving of me so many times (ugh, hate thinking of all the ugly things)., I push myself to trust him as my best friend. I push myself to try to be the partner I want. I push myself to think about what I said, and what H said when we defined our vision of the perfect M and partner, and to act accordingly. I push myself to remember, that at the end of the day, I can't imagine life without H, would be devastated if a freak accident took him away, so why take away all the moments of life that we DO have with silly behaviors.
Last night was good. H stated that he had to get a grocery item in town (40 min away) and had to work til late. He called and asked if I was up for the ride, but didn't have to come (could tell he would like if I did). I was tired, but went, to laugh, reconnect, etc. I brought up, cautiously, our R, trust issues, asked his forgiveness of my mistrust, but explained why I would be that way. He was uncomfortable at talk of the phone, but agreed. I was calm and sweet and actually joking about the phone and it went well. I did a big 180. I took a subject that I would have normally BLEW UP about for days, and made a joke of it, and comfortable for us to laugh, and for him to talk, which he did. He explained that there wasn't mystery, he didn't say sorry, he wanted to talk to his parents but didn't want me to look at the bill and get paranoid that thye were conspiring against me since their new feelings about me. I said I understood that, and that he felt that I always questioned things, that I wouldn't, and I hope he felt comfortable enough with me someday, I would work on gaining that trust in him, just as he is working on gaining trust in me (not lying). He said he rarely used it, had no FF or other uses for the phone (admitted that he did call some other people on it, but rarely used it). He got snappy, but then calmed down, when I explained that I had a right to ask, since we're committed to working on the trust thing. I also let the conversation go, but that we might pick up at a later time. He agreed. I realized that I have to build his trust that I won't nag him. I realize about H that he gets snappy and defensive when he's being accused of something that he thinks is bad (cheating) and he's not done...when I overrect and overassume his behaviors...when he's really guilty, he just gets really sad and quiet. Makes sense to me. Overall, I joked about the whole thing, and it really helped him feel a lot more comfortable that he normally would be, and was the reason why he spoke at all. So, doing the 180s to approaching diff. things is really working. I know him, I won't have to demand anything...it's clear to him that I'm uncomfortable with the phone, I said it's not the M I want, and I don't have to demand from him that he stop. He will...that's what pissed him off int he first place...he's not the type of guy that needs to be hit on the head, he's sensitive and willing to give...it makes him mad when I don't give him that credit.
But, I think later, I might bring it back up, b/c it is werid. I'll just casually ask, in the future weeks, if he;s still using the phone. By that time, I hope that we have some continued good vibes, and I can have a right to say it's not something I'm comfortable with. Who knows....what do you think?
Well, that's it for now. Nice evening, H came for dinner and then left again for work. I could tell he was waiting for a nice bye from me, and I stoped what I was doing and gave him a hug and kiss. I have to I love him, want him...so I have to do a LOT more reaching out.
Nice things happening. I am probably inserting too much of my own sitch here being that I have avoided any R talk for months now, but you seem to bring it with H a lot. Is that usual? is that normal? Remember, it seems like a guy will discuss it once and it's a done conversation, but the cell phone bothers you and you want to keep bringing it up. If there is any guys reading would you verify? talk about it once, and it's over for a guy, the lady wants to rehash it a bunch more times.
That great day attitude will come more often, and it will carry over to the rest of your life too. Keep the good feelings!
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
A little bummed out this morning and last night. H came home late, went to bed, I reached out and was affectionate towards him, despite the negative feelings creeping in my mind. As soon as I did, they instantly went away, he was so tired but still said something sweet, which made the negative thoughts dissapate immediately.
This morning, I was still bummed. He could sense, and asked. I said it's nothing you want to talk about now. He said he wanted to know. I said I was just bummed about us....realizing what a nice break it was yesterday from obsessing about the stress of our M, and that was sad. I then told him that I was VERY happy this week we've been more comfortable that ever, it made me giddy each day. He agreed, said "Absolutely." I smiled and he reached out too. I said it was nice that we're reaching out to each other more. Then, I screwed up, and asked if he was hiding anything else, and he sadly said no. I asked if he was said, he said yes, b/c of the whole trust thing, but understood. I said yes, it was unnerving with the lies, but it's not that he always lied to me, just as a coping to my bad reactions, I understand and apologize. I also said that it's not the M I wanted, he said not him either. I said it contributed to the distance. And then, just so he wouldn't feel that I was blaming him, I again took the reason why he lied upon myself and said, likewise, I don't want a M where I behave badly, I thought about it again yesterday and it made me disgusted. I want us to be close again, and I know we'll get thre. I said that he had distrust too, over how I would react, and this all came slowly as the other person built the trust in the other again. He was sad, as he left.
I felt so bad for bringing this up. But, I didn't intend on it, I was hiding from him this morning. I hope this doesn't take us back to the land of discomfort and awkwardness. I hope that I can make up for it....ugh, it makes me sad to think that I might have undone this weeks progress....but I also think that we glazed over the whole issue and I still had feelings, which I was glad I expressed in a calm way.
So, I realized that today is our 14th anniversary of meeting. I called H. He called back, very sullen, getting ready for me to start into a fight with him again, while he's at work. So, he has trust issues too. I very cheerily screamed into the phone, Happy Anniversary. He let out a breath of releif and laughed. I joked and said I KNEW he was nervous to call me back and sullen b/c he thought I was gonna pick a fight...I said I was bummed at that, that I did it to myself and hoped to change that impression. We laughed, talked. I told him how much I love him, how many differnt ways I've loved him over 14 yrs, and how I finally understood what he's always said, I love you more deeply today, even with all this stress, than I did then.
He responded a little, but then was abrupt, but polite in leaving...turns out he came out of a meeting to get my page. SORRY!!!!! But, he wasn't his usual gotta run attitude...he stayed on the phone for a bit...so I could tell that it made him happy to hear it and that I called sounding happy.
Tonight, I'm gonna focus on just continuing to reach out, feel comfortable, not bring up R stuff, go with our better vibes of this week. I want him to know that we can bring up uncomfortable stuff, chat a bit about it, calmly, and then let it go, no expectations, no insistence, etc--and we can still go on being happy, not drag it out into a fight or awkward feelings. This morning I did none of the questions, just talked, he agreed to stuff I said.
Strong, I know you said NO R talk, b/c H is just like you. I didn't intend to, but I still made a mistake. Plus, I wasn't cornering him, just openly and neutraly talking about things b/w us, how I felt, how it would get better. It's reality. H has a habit of being a "guy" in glazing over things, forgetting about it, a little too fast, and it's the unhealthy thing we both did to land us here. I want to break that cycle, to talk about things, but not in the crazy fights that I did either. Get us to a new level of openness.I realize that I have minimize the talks for now, and let them drop quickly, which is what I did the last 2 days. I hope that it'll build trust in him that I cna handle a R talk. When I think back, he used to be open to talking, before I turned into a raving B**&%$.
I also told him that I read something that made me happy, in one of my M e-magazines. It said that happy couples are not unwilling to face divorce...I was shocked to read this...but it went on to say that complacency is the fastest way to D...just putting up with things, settling, eventually exploded into D and killed feelings. It said that truly happy and healthy couples did the work to reverse these things, tear things apart and do the painful work/effort. It made me feel good, it did him too..he smiled.
I'm not making excuses for my R talk this morning. I tried to avoid it, then when he knew that I was bummed, I didn't want to avoid further and he gets sad as he leaves...usually he thinks I'm mad at HIM, which is not the case, so I decided to talk.
I hope that even this was 1 small step towards healing and creating healthier cyles. Also, just b/c I see him bummed doesn'tm ean that it's the end of the world...I have to realize that he's bummed, just like me. We agreed that even though thigns are going great, we still had issues, and thinking about this while time is still sad, just b/c it happened. You can't help feeling that way every once in a while. Hopefully, with time, it will get fewer and fewer as we get further and further from this.
Sorry to hear that you are a little bummed today. It still seems that you have had many positives despite that. Look at those things to help pick you up a bit and if that fails......go shopping!!
Quote: When I think back, he used to be open to talking, before I turned into a raving B**&%$.
That is a very powerful insight about yourself. If your H is like me, he doesn't look forward to R talks because they escalate into a disagreement or flat out fight. I WILL not fight with him anymore. I wasted too many years fighing. We are all facing a long, difficult journey and things that cause your spouse to feel pushed away only set us back. Always keep that insight in the back of your mind when you have R talks. If he gets sad when you bring up the trust issue, then maybe the two of you can find a way to resolve that. H knows that you don't trust him like you should, and he knows it's fault for lying. Everytime we tell them we don't trust them, or question them on things.....they are reminded of how bad they screwed up and that we are forgiving of their faults. At least your H gets sad, sometimes my H is unaffected other times he gets rip roaring pissed. Easy to get to either extreme given the situations. It's almost like he feels he should have no guilt or blame at all.
So, find some postiives to focus on. Like you H reached out to you!!! THat is awesome!!
If all else fails, grab your beer and I'll see you back here tonight. LMAO. I am *hoping* that H wouldn't mind me taking a little break tonight and getting out of this house! Maybe take my D out, or just go out alone to my fav. thrift store. Who knows, just an hour or so to destress. If you didn't live so far away I would come pick you up and drag you out shopping by your ears!
I hope you have a great night with H. Remember...good thoughts, good thougts, good thoughts.........
I'm moving on...at last I can see...life has been patiently waiting for me.
Me-32 WAH-35 DD-11 DS-4 H left 11-03 Piecing- 12/04 WAH again- 03/07 Married 12 years Divorce final May 15, 2007
Ahhhh, wish you were closer!!! Some great thrift stores and of course, the Dollar Tree! ha ha! Hoping you have a fun night out!
Good day...was a little bummed through the day, but some great meetings at work (is there such a thing?? or is the stress of M so bad that work meetings seem like a dream??) that really took my mind off things to a positive direction. I called H and sensed myself withdrawing when he asked ?s about my day. Then he opened about some really bad things in his day, and I snapped out of the withdrawal and really reached out and consoled him. He really appreciated it, lifted his spirits some. I guess one fear is that my hardest thing over the last few years was him getting so down about work, being angry, always talking about it....I became frustrated....he's better now, but I also don't want to give the message that I don't want to hear him vent at all. I hope that's not the case and he can tell the difference. At the end of the conversation, for the first time in forever, he said ILY on his own. I squealed in delight and he laughed and said "I do LU." Nice.
We're gonna go out tonight....believe it or not, it's our 14 th anniv of first meeting....I remembered...we're not going out for that, but more that he wanted to go out after a hard day. But nice to think of, since I thought of this day months ago, and had no idea where we would be, whether it would be a day of misery b/c we were apart, or togeher working things out. The latter seemed so impossible.
