Update: Last night, H came home late, after I went to bed. He's trying to work 1 weekend day rather than stay way late on weekdays (good for him, b/c he's so darned exhausted). For some stupid reason, I was guarded when he came home, so not receptive to his hello and questions abuot my day.
I was proud of myself...I remembered out talk about effort to move closer and reach out to each other. He was reaching out, and you know, ALWAYS has after fights (where I was a raging b**&^)...I felt bad. I put down whatever resistance I had, because he did too, and I reached out in convo. I asked ?s, told him about my day. He really opened up then. I realized that he was still mistrustful of my moods, and since earlier in the day I had been upset, he felt I still might be at him.....so, one small step...we broke a little cyle of ours!
Nice night. H came to bed and we talked and laughed together and actually cuddled (haven't done this in forever). Really, my favorite thing of being married was bedtime--just cuddling, laughing at jokes or funny things (H is a really funny guy) and getting those happy hormones right before you drift off to bed. He actually seemed vulnerable and wanting of affection, which I always dole out in excess!!! Was sweet.
Another baby step for me, I reached out and told him TY for listening to me earlier in the day, for being my friend, for consoling me and telling me we would get through it. It helped and made me feel that it's not so bad, and everything will be OK. I know it made him feel good. I also said some things that indicated that I was supportive of his hard work at work, his longer hours and new job duties...that was a BIG thing for him before....not feeling like he was torn b/w home and work...he's a touch of a workaholic.
Well, we both slipped into a coma since we had little sleep the night before. I woke up later than usual this morning, and really thought that the good vibes might have faded, and thigns would go back to slightly awkward as they usually do b/w us. I saw him and he actually came over and gave a hug and kiss (that is HUGE for him even when things were good--I always initiated affection...he loves receiving, but not thoughtful about giving). He initiated a call to my family (showing that he thought about it first--sweet). Overall good vibes this am...I was on the phone when he left, but still made a point to run out and say bye (a little ritual we had).
SO....I see the biggest challenge on my part being that I need to keep the good vibes and efforts to reach out consistent...not get bogged down by negative thoughts, moods of hopelessness, problems, etc. I cannot withdraw. This is a really vulnerable time, really fragile and I have to keep it up. I know I reach out, he will too. I think our talk on Saturday night really pushed a restart button for him. He sounds/acts very "liberated" and free--perhaps confessing his once true feelings did it.
Of course, I may be jumping the gun here, and taking it too far in my mind and we might still be back at square 1 tonight with awkward moments....I am prepared for that. All I will do is reach out, be comfortable, and open.
