Well, you all warned me, and I could sense it in the air...Murphy's Law of DB: When feeling a sense of peace and content for many days, beware, a major meltdown is just around the corner....
So, there I was, just content and smug about my new state of mind--wary, but content. Dispensing advice on your threads, waxing philosophical on mine, and then comes Saturday night.
The day went good. We were both eagerly working on a project we wanted to finish. Then, I saw H with a phone in his pocket that wasn't his own. I shut my mouth, but I can't act (dang). Hours went by, and then I just asked...."do you have a second phone?" He calmly replied, No, my wallet.
Now, for some background....when things hit the fan in Oct, it was mostly catalyzed by my casual check of the phone bill and seeing lots of text msgs, and some short phone calls over 3 weeks. I asked, he lied at first and then came out with the truth. A friend he had consulted as to what to do at the frustrated state of affairs of our M. Friend helped, they worked together (the she moved) and they just kept in touch. She is "needy" and H is very helpful and a good shoulder to cry on type. He was horrified, really thought he did nothing wrong (then why hide it)...felt I would explode, not understand (ya think?), and i KNEW it was nothing else than that. He admitted that he trusted her, and enjoyed the friendship when he was feeling rejected by me and needed to vent to someone. He said it could have been a man and NO attraction. I believe him (I know the woman). He said it got weird b/c he did start to get the hint that she might like him. I am not defending him, and believe me, I went OFF the handle on this for a LONG time, until I figured that it's exactly why he needed another friend...I was even told by a counselor that it was NOT an affair, just that I had pushed him away and he was in need of a person to talk to at a really tough time (our M). He said that I had closed all communication b/w us with my actions (he's right)...
OK, back to last night. SO....hours later, I calmly asked again, "do you have a 2nd phone?" He calmly said "yes, my parents sent it to me, so I could talk to them if I needed.." I was sad that they, and he thought that I was an evil monster to think that talking to his parents was something I would flip about....again, confirm they hate me. He did indeed say that they did want him to D me, I was not a good W. Well, I sadly (not angrily) talked about all the things he had done and how I felt. For the first time, he admitted to all of it and really understood. I cried so hard I thought my heart was going to fall out. I cried all night. We slept so little. He consoled me a lot and he finally admitted that he really did want to end our M in the beginning of this mess, when he finally faced his feelings. He told that to his parents and they clung to that. He said that he did not leave and prayed that I would leave him, b/c didn't want the blood on his hands. I can understand. I finally admitted something that he has thought for a long time and it was true, so I told him: there were times in our M that I wished I was not married to him. When the bomb hit 2 months ago, I REALLY thought about if this is what I wanted, a window for us to both be free if it wasn't mean to be. I admitted that too.
It was SOOOO cathartic to be honest about the last of things we did not admit because we didn't want to hurt the other. It felt so good. He felt less guilty knowing that I thought the same.
We talked about what was broken. We talked about what we wanted in a M. We talked about whether we thought this can be fixed. We talked about not trusting each other and how sad that was. We talked about how our love has changed and how it hasn't. H mentioned that reason he could never walk out was because he realized he loved me the same, just hurt and was angry. We talked about how this was a slow road, and would take time, but we were committed to making it happen. We talked about how other things in our life were such stressors that didn't allow us to work through the normal trials of a M (only so much you can do when you see your spouse 3 hours a week and have a negative bank balance and have constant stomach stress). Not to blame the world for us, but I guess we're being real about being "slow learners."
Overall, it was great. Painful, but great. I am exhausted now, and I think I let out my frustration just before H left and regret. I told him how I was frustrated that he and his family thought that I could not tell the difference b/w calling another female friend that you hid and originally lied about, and calling your parents. To send a phone to your son means that you're scared for him, that is STUPID. I am not a freak. I am NOT dumb. He got really sad and upset because he was feeling good and asked if we were regressing. I did not say anything. He was upset that I brought it up right before he walked out. Big NO NO that I have backslid on. Oh well, this is a lot and I will apologize and do better.
Take away thought to BB friends: this is darn painful. BUT, I think most all couples have rough spots, terrible times, whatever you call it. There are some that split, some that stay and just live with it and make do, some that go through the pain and work to tear it apart and live the dream. It's not easy, but I think we all fit into the last category.
