Great point, WCW!! We all know that that is where the REAL hard lies, to just take any answer, non-reaction, reaction and be OK with it. A fine art....
Last night was nice. H wanted to go into town for haircut, and I did not really need to go, had house chores to do. ALso, thought it might be nice to give him some space. I let him know that he could go alone for space, jsut so he knew that I was not blowing him off (as he invited me). He said that it was not his preference, but he was OK with that if I wanted to stay. I decided to go, keeping to my goal of spending time with H for reconnection (but also my goal of giving him space).
In the "give space" goal, I try not to always be in the same room as him, chatting away--yesterday, I found things to do in another room, and he came to talk and I engaged cheerfully, but still kept my nose in work. he does this all the time--might be that he needs space and not my overfocused attention.
We chatted in the car. He asked how I felt (after meltdown), I told him my thoughts, too overfocused on us, need to focus on other things, feeling more confident and at peace, can't worry about things I can't change....he shared similar stuff. I openly shared with him how I felt about his family, and said that I loved them and understood, but it was still painful, and I hoped he would understand that it was normal. He did. I shared with him some reasons why I thought they acted the way they did--I also said that I was done obsessing over it (basically letting him know that it hurt and I was dealing maturly)...I think he feels guilty talking about it, like most men, because it hurts me, and also because he contributed to why they feel the way they do (he talked to them and shared all the horrible things I did, really convinced them with stories, etc--his right to do that, I did it with my mom, but now he feels the consequences,and sees that probs are fixable). He really listened and it was nice. I incorporated some calm, non-personal R talk/issues...how it was nice to tell him about what I felt, how it was nice for him to know that he did things too (takes 2 to make and break), that I feel that we went through a rough 3 years in many ways that we were just so focused on keeping the seams together in life that we forgot to work on our M. We were stupidly confident that it could take our neglect. He agreed and piped in some (he was VERY tired and admitted to that). I did notice that when I asked if he was tired/bored, he really tried to engage more. That was nice, because he usually does not, and it's frustrated, like having a convo with yourself. Now, when I feel him get like that, I quiet down and engage insomething else (no pressure to talk), and I notice that he picks up and starts talking and sharing again.
Basically I am trying to weave neutral R talk in other life experiences (when we share lessons about other things, I say "yeah, like we did in our M, we neglected, over confident, etc). Makes it more normal, and he seems more comfortable to share (or so I think). I only talk R because he said it was one of the things that really made him feel like it was OK, and closer to me....at the end of each convo, even when painful, he would say that he felt better and closer.
We had a nice night out, talked, shared day to day life. etc. Still little affection between us. That's OK. I don't give or ask too much. I had some cake at work yesterday leftover and I wanted to share a piece and I took it to him. He thanked me. I try not to hug, smooch, say ILY overly, just normally and back off....no pressure to him and see if he comes back. I do notice in ways that he does. We had a nice morning today, and he actually kissed me before he left. For once I did NOT say "You don't have to do that" nor did I jump out of anxiety. I just said thanks. THis morning, I was up and doing things, and he came over and put one of his shirts on me for warmth, that was nice.
How pathetic is it that I count the little things that he does as so unique when they were so normal. I guess that's where I let things go....was stupid to take them forgranted as "normal" when I should have always treasured it. In so many ways, I feel like when we first met--counting all the signs of affection, analyzing things said, etc. As cute as those times were, I really dislike reliving them....they were so filled with insecurity, etc.
