WCW, thanks for your wise words of calmness. H came home LATE (1am) from work (typical). I got upset in general, and a little came out at him, when I asked about his parents (who have stopped talking to me and I think dislike me a lot) reaction to my grandmother dying. I was upset at their lukewarm response and no attempt to call me, though I was VERY supportive when they had deaths in the family. It hurt a lot. I was feeling really overwhelmed, emotionally exhausted and very sad yesterday to begin with. So I had a meltdown, that at first H was mad at (he thought I was trying to pick a fight, I got defensive, and then backed off and was honest, I was sad). He was supportive then, and said sorry. I know his parents are not his fault. He went through a lot with my parents initially too and took it with such great stride, never blamed me, so I am trying to do the same.
This morning, I was very sad. We went to workout together and I just calmly blurted all that I felt during our M, his anger, impatience, me not feeling wanted, etc. He at first was very defensive, said he did not agree, but it was a perception of mine. I was sad...I then said that I was not the only one who thought this, and that seemed to really knock him to his senses. He asked more and more, and I elaborated, in a very calm way, the way he was. I asked him if he honestly did not see that in himself. He said yes, but he was not that all the time, and I said yes, it wasn't, and neither was I a bit** all the time either.
We then talked about how somewhere along the way we hurt each other, did not talk, did not change even when we did talk, stopped trusting in each others love, felt unloved, and acted on it. I told him that what was sad is that in reality the opposite is true. I was honest and told him that I had resented him, disliked being with him at times, stopped trusting him and had a hard time finding solace in him (turning to him when I am sad). I told him that I am trying to break that and turn to him more. He said he was doing the same. I know the only way that will be fostered is if the trust increases and I make myself a person he wants to come to...I have seen him come to me more when sad. We talked about how we had really distanced over the years and lived in lots of misconceptions about the other. I told him I had a hard time believing that he liked being with me and I was not a chore or task. He felt the same. We agreed that we went through a hard time in life and had allowed that to distance. He said that in ways, he felt closer to me now than ever (the talks, open emotions of crying, etc).
We agreed that we would get through this. He said he was sorry about the stress, of us still uncomfortable. He did not bring up his family at all, and I told him that I still loved them so much, mourned their loss in my life, and he understood and was sad. I told him that I did not link that to him at all. I understood how they felt. I do feel that they got a really biased side of the picture when H was feeling hated by me, and don't see that it takes 2 to ruin a good M. I have to stop thinking about things I cannot control.
Well...that's the update. I tried to be a more calm, open, gentle person to talk to. To understand that this is hard for him to realize that he could have been a better H. To be compassionate. It's clear, and sad, that we have a lot of distance between us. All we can do is try to bridge that together one piece at a time, and make sure it's really strong this time.
I'm feeling better today. I have to dig myself out of this slump. I feel that I am letting healing time pass by...
It's clearer to me each day that M has a lot of growing pains. I see couples that I don't hear of having tough times and I wonder if that is true, or they do and we don't hear about it. I heard stats that every couple does, and they make it work. H had mentioned that this weekend. I believe we have soul mates, true partners, but I also believe we are individuals. M is a dance. You grow into it, and most of the time it's beautiful, sometimes it hurts like he!!. I guess it can only make it stronger. Rediscovering each other and growing the bond back is so tough. It's funny though, H and I have been through more than one tough time together (this is the hardest), but in a way, it feels like we've grown up together, and I can say, even with the distance, there is no one I have loved more intensely in my life (we have no kids!!). I guess that is enough said.
Thanks for your thoughts and advice, it really helps to not feel so alone.
Anyone reading this today: remind yourself of at least 1 way that bonds you tighter to your spouse than anyone else on the planet. Something you know about them, experience, etc.
