First, let me say that I am being VERY emotional today, just feeling at the end of my rope, and glad that I vented here and to myself than tonight. Just in a foul mood that should pass. Mostly, it's because a bad day at work that highlighted that I have lost my focus these past few months and have been obsessing about M (which is not BAD) instead of balancing focus on work too, which means a lot to me. I was mad at myself for that. I have to focus on redirecting and I think that will help ease the tension and increase PMA too.
H called and I think I sounded a little terse, just told him my feelings about the day and loss of focus, he agreed (he felt that was Sat). I then said that I wanted to talk to him just briefly tonight. I was a little mean, quoting him in saying that I knew what I had to say would not be profound enough to elicit dialogue from him, so it would be quick (basically using his words----BAD, I am feeling sorry about that).
I thought a lot about what I would say, and if it's worth it. You're right WCW. My H HATES repeated past stuff, and talking about it again and again. I should understand that. I should let this go. I will mostly (trust me, most of my tirade is gone). I will just stick to the points, which I guess I have made before, but in a very accusatory way. Yes, I amguilty of bringing things up again and again. I do LOTS of things that shut him down, which I am trying not to do.
BUT, I think I deserve to tell him how he made me feel. I think he really glosses over the intensity of what an angry person he was for years. How that impacted me. I fault myself too, but it's hard to hear him gloss over it and say that he did his best. I won't make a big deal of it. Just make a quick point of letting him know what really happened from *my point of view* Then I will let it go, because that is what M is all about, right?!!
I think I will cushion it around that I understand what he went through at work during those years, but this is how it made me feel. Just so it's not a lot of finger pointing.
At the end of our convo, I heard him go quiet, and I just blurted "I can't wait until the day that we're not living in discomfort anymore" and all I got was "OK"
I REALLY need to stop being so down today, it's coming out of my mouth and every pore and I am not usually like this. I have to pick myself back up. It's just that I am usually the positive one in our M, and I guess I just felt like letting go for a bit.
