Update: Had a nice time on Sunday night. Unbelievable, H initiated R talk during dinner out (could be 2 beers too). I took the chance to let him talk (of course, I get nervous and fill in silence, ugh). We took a different approach (unintentional), kind of like looking at your M through a documentary...like you're watching it on TV and can make comments w/o getting emotional, defensive, etc. He did get defensive of his part, I did not say anything about things he did. I took all blame. He explained why life was hard. I told him how his reactions made me feel...he was volatile, angry, miserable all the time. Of course, said this much nicer. Of course, he got irritated hearing it. I stopped. He said that he did the best he could, and anyone that thought otherwise was insane. (OK, so much for taking blame for your part, who cares). We went to watch a movie that I wanted to see, I told him he did not need to come, because in the past he would have thrown such a fuss in going. I did not want to deal with that. He actually wanted to go, which showed me that he made an effort, for once, to do something he did not want to do, to not be an angry grump about things. I thanked him kindly for that. I want him to know that I appreciate the little things he does. In that way, I think he does realize the things he did before.
I really wanted to be alone from H, but he wanted to hang out with me, but wanted to give me space if I needed. I opted to spend time with him, which was good. I just needed space to process thoughts w/o asking him ?s, etc. BUT, turned out that time spent together was good to get reconnected. This entire weekend was a lot for me to process. Coming to terms that his family hates me, and that is rough and largely unfair.
Yesterday we had some good talks, sort of. I casually brought up things, the concept of soul mates, what makes a good M, etc. He talked a lot (of course, we did this while painting, so a buffer of activity). I noticed that a few times he was irritated when I expressed how I felt during our M, and he simplified ini an offensive manner how I felt about things he did ("you needed someone more fun" "I was grumpy").
This morning, I woke up in a funk. Mostly because I feel that I have been repenting like crazy the last few months and he is still cold, does not touch unless I am crying or he wants to ML, etc. That is OK, I can accept that. BUT, he has always had troubles admitting things he did. Always finds excuses why his behavior was OK. Never once said, Yes, you're right, I was hard to live with. I am sorry. I know that is expecting a miracle, and he was patient with me, but it's something that I know won't get better. It's something I really need. So I did something I now regret but might follow through with. I called him and asked that we have a chat this evening about things that have been on my mind.
I am going to be calm, and just say how I felt, not what he did (remove direct blame), and tell him how he made me feel. How it was difficult. I am not the only person who saw this. I could have done better to deal with this, but sometimes it was so hard, I was under a lot of stress too. I know it is repetitive, but he still does not hear it. He thinks I overreact, while I am not the only person who saw this about him.
I feel I am being petty, immature, but I am also so sick of sucking the blame, while he has always had issues in apologizing or confronting what he did. At the same time, he praises himself in thinking that he always confronts his faults (what a JOKE--not with me).
I think with him, it's not about making me feel sad, but feeling so bad about his guilt that he would rather not face it. But, i am somewhat resentful that I have had to grow up, face my mistakes and take proper note of it, and he never has.
I need to get out of this slump so tonight I will not be mean. I just want to be fair. To me and to him. I know I need to be patient, but I feel that I am being nailed so hard for this. I am not asking him o change, just to let him know my version of the story.
Maybe by tonight I will see that it's petty, and I don't have to always bring up the things he did.
I know that I have no PMA, am being bratty, and immature. i am in awe of how wonderfully many folks on these boards handle things, and I am taking strength in that and will pick up by tonight. I just had to vent, however stupid my thoughts, so I get it out and don't act on it.
I know he's trying and admitted wrong and that he was could have been a better H is hard; it was hard to admit that I could have been a better W. I understand that. BUT, it's also good to talk, to vent and to get the story straight. I can let things go, accept, etc. but there is a limit. I will be gentle because I think he gets it.
