Yes, I will stop saying that. I am also trying to stop being hurt by his sincerity and honesty. His brother dropped in this weekend (they have an estranged R, so it was weird), to "cheer him up" but more for his own needs. I asked if he asked about us, he said yes, and H said that we had rough times the last 3 years, forgot to take care of each other, grew apart instead of together and we're working on it--at least talking about it. His brother said that he would stand by him whatever decision he made (D or not). That was a shock to me, since it seemed that H did not want a D. I am being really immature and emotional here.
Selfishly, I was hurt that H did not tell his bro that we are working on things, they are getting better (he may have said that), we are sticking through this. Of course, I was just BEGGING to ask, "well, is D still an option?" BUT, you will be SOOO proud, I KEPT MY MOUTH SHUT. Said I was happy he had the time with bro. He quickly changed topic to pretty skiing and I went along with it (may have asked a few ?s here and there, but not prying and emotional and sad like I usually get). I was happy and fun. Don't want him to think he can't vent his own feelings to his bro without making me sad.
On my front, I did 2 things for ME that REALLY helped. I called a friend and spilled the beans. She was REALLY helpful. Just venting felt GREAT. Then I joined this board and that is wonderful. I feel so much more normal about this. Why don't we, as women and people, talk about things more with each other? Most of the time we end up feeling like failures about "normal" phases in an R. Of course, I totally take blame, but you know. Also, I wish these R books were a HS/college class....do you remember ANYTHING from calculus? What has trigonometry done for your life?
Well, we had a jovial converstation while he walking out the door to work. He said that he was good at talking about uncomfortable things with people. I laughed, jokingly, and said, "ah, no, not with me"...and he admitted, also laughing, "yeah, with everyone but you." I joked more, hugged him and asked "why...why did you avoid talking about things from our dating past and now..." He said it was because he was afraid of hurting me and hated seeing me sad. I said that was sweet, I understood. BUT, still joking, I said that we had to be open with our feelings, it hurts to tell the other things, but it's the way that we can be close. I said I wanted him to know that I was laughing, joking, and would not take anything sadly, etc, and to express himself. He said that is like asking him to be someone he is not. I said OK, but it's something I would like to work on, at his time.
I know that that convo was probably ANTI-DB, but you know, it's kinda like him justifying the one thing he did to hurt me, not talk about things, apologize, etc. I know why now, but still...I am sure I can justify n=my behaviors, but I don't (well, I explain, but not say that I won't change).
I know it's small, but it's a big issue for me. I cannot live with someone who continuously refuses to talk about uncomfortable US things because of fear of hurting me. I have to wonder how much of that is really true. Is there something more? Who knows.
Until then, I will look at the positive for today. We at least laughed off a really serious point between us. Good step that we were jovial. At least I showed that I was not traumatized, and that I could end the convo. I will not bring it up again. I think little attempts like this make a difference that he can trust me not to be sad (really have no idea where this paranoia came from long ago, I think it's more rooted in guilt). Saying sorry and expressing yourself and anger is not easy, I did that, wish he would do the same. I know I am being selfish here.
To me, talking openly about things is HUGE. It's the way I feel intimate and close. I guess it's something to work on. I am letting go a little on this, so maybe he will meet me half way and give a little.
When he returns, we're going into town to shop for the week. Hope to make a jovial day with him.
One day at a time. That's all I can do. Patience is definately NOT a strong point for me, so maybe the upside of all this is that I hone that skill.
Thanks for your encouragement....a good grasp on things? Hmmmm, I wonder. I think I try very hard to deeply think things through, and that helps me from falling apart. I have used it to really make changes in me. But, I still get impatient and panicked at times....need to work on controlling that.
