Hi Slowly! Thanks for the input. Yes, "interesting" is definately one word for it!!
You hit the nail on the head as far as the one major issue that my H has, from which many others spin out, with not just me, but everyone. He is a MAJOR people pleaser (so am I, bad combo). Sensing my happiness, especially towards him and the things he does is SO important. Of course, my behaviors did NOTHING to help this, and he has told me so many times, I was too dense.
SO, now, I have made a major point in not getting upset at things, really taming my reactions to something more realistic. Lots of my intense reactions (fights, etc) came from feeling that he was "not listening, did not care, etc" that really, when dug up, comes from our past dating history (stupid, but really what I think is the link--NOT blaming HIM, just need to address and cut...we made a mistake about NOT talking about the past--maybe I am immature...but kind of like the backlash in the LBS syndrome when WAW comes back). BUT, I am not unrealistic or making changes that are not sustainable. By that I mean that I did not become a "doormat" which I felt I was in our early R. There are things that are important to me, which I do express to him, but in a kind, rational, calm way. Makes a HUGE difference. My H has developed this negative reaction to anything that he perceives I am demanding or "expecting." But when I don't, it's amazing, he usually picks up on it and tries to do it (right now, he's still feeling a little anger, etc, so does not come as quick, but in the past he did). So, I was stupid not to realize that he DOES love me, want to make me happy, just I approached it the wrong way. People will disappoint you, but they still LOVE you. etc, etc
Of course, there are things that I felt he needed to work on, but I can't change him, just me. When we discuss, I can only express them as needs, or things that made me feel a certain way. BUT, I see him slowly turning around. I appreciate every small effort, and make sure that I DO NOT expect it. He starts to call after work (before, he just came anytime, which is annoying when he comes home at 10pm and you're waiting and worried--working odd hours is part of his training/job). Common courtesies. This is just one small thing, but he is engaging more in things when he comes home too, making an effort to act like he wants to be home when he is.
One thing that I have noticed is that we have gotten caught up in this cycle of projecting hurt feelings onto each other. Probably a bit of co-dependency? Making each other happy is important to each of us, and we take it so personally when we can't (and you can't always). SO silly, I know. For ex: during our first year of M, I was depressed over lots of things in life. This really affected him, he felt inadequate in not being able to make me happy, etc. etc. In reality, seeing him at the end of the day is the ONLY thing that made me happy, and I told him so. Likewise, he experienced depression during 3 years of our M, training related, and most of why I reacted in ways to his disengagement was because I was upset that I could not make him happy, that seeing me at the end of the day provided no respite, etc. In reality, he said that seeing my smile at the end of the day made his day...that he would go out of his way to pick me up from work to see me. SO self-centered and weird, I know. I caught myself the other day. He had a bad day, I heard it and instantly started getting nervous, then I chilled....I cannot help his bad day, just be calm and try to be supportive. Sometimes it means leaving him alone. So detach your ego from someone's life.
Not to deflect blame (and trust me, I am happy to take blame, makes it easier in a way, because then I can change it), but when talking to friends, they point out what a rough period in LIFE it was during the past years of our M. Saw each other little, tough times at work for both, hard financial times. Yes, we could have done better at turning to each other then, in working together and not drifting apart. I could have been a better wife and I regret, andhe regrets not being a better H. BUT, it's somewhat a miracle that we got through.
SO, it seems that we have gotten caught up in many misunderstandings, hurt feelings, bad behaviors, and somewhere along the way, stopping to fulfill each others LLs and "needs." To stop listening to each other.
So sad that it can come this far. I guess this is where we are now, trying to repair, but feeling intensly sad that something so beautiful, that you held dear, is broken at all. VERY painful for both of us.
