Hello all. I am new to this forum; have been "lurking" for some time and felt the need for a little strength and fellowship as I muddle through this.
The story: * In our early 30s * No kids * Married 4.5 yrs (known for 14) * not separated * No OW, no drugs, no addictions, no current financial distress (basically, we are the only ones getting in our own way)
Well, in keeping with all M-fixing advice, most of the downhill in our M was MY fault. I was nagging, demanding, critical, subtle put-downs when unhappy, doubting, controlling, overbearing, impatient...all things that ultimately made H feel that he was: unloved, that I did not want to be married to him, could never make me happy, always disappointed me, humiliated, low self-esteem, guilty.
Now, as with all of you, we also had our share of good times. Times that I WAS very supportive, understanding, etc...most of our M until now was during a VERY stressful financial for both and training period for H, where he was miserable and disengaged a lot, which was my complaint.
Things have been rocky for the last year, more since this summer. Lots of fights, of course this is normal for me, so I thought little of it, not aware of the constant damage I was doing. H never complains (tried a few times, but of course I argued, so why try again), withdrew in ways, shuts down when R talk (because it was always a fight where I had to be right and lunge at him).
I like to think that I'm NOT a mean person, so when things hit the fan in Oct, he said he could not do this anymore and was confused (not sure whether to separate, D, or what, but just could not live like this), I panicked, did the begging, crying, etc. for a few days and then stopped. I started to READ and CHANGE like crazy. Then I realized that just CHANGING was NOT enough. I had to find where the reactions and actions CAME FROM and cut the cord. I dug and faced that a lot of my lashing came from hurtful things/times that we had when initially dating (more than 10years ago). Issues and times that when we got back together, we never talked about, just swept under the rug and accepted that things were different and happy (big MISTAKE)--I really didn't even get a "sorry" from H and I am realizing that is a big thing for me. I forgot and forgave, but somewhere along the way, I thought that I needed to assert myself, speak up when I was pissed (read: fight), be brutally honest (read: disrespect), not be shut out or down (read: nag, demanding, etc). SO, that has made it much easier to cut the cord. Though I forgave and truly believed that H was new and wonderful and that was the past, I still acted like I was at risk of him hurting me. Am I the only person here that has this issue? Anyone relate?
So, I have tried my best to change. Though, I still slide. Mostly because I really have to think and realize that even little things I do can be "demanding" and I don't see that. I immediately apologize/acknowledge. I still try to talk about the R (only at scheduled times, because I feel that we still have misunderstandings, and want him to face feelings because he suppresses, but if he says no, I am OK). VERY emotional.
The status: we never separated. Miracle that H did not lleave, he thought about and looked into it, but did not. We sleep in the same bed. In the beginning, there were a few nights that he would sleep at a friends. He would mostly be away from me all the time. Working through his anger at things that happened and how he let it happen to him. I tried to give space and not be sad and hysterical all the time (hard). There were times that I was demanding that things did not go faster or always asking questions that monitored how he felt now. I stopped all that. I can't force this and it's part of my old behaviors. This is hard on him and I need to be as patient as he was during our M.
We talked little and very uncomfortable for the first month or more. He spent T-giving with friends and I stayed home. For Christmas, he said he wanted to be with me, nice gift, went away for the weekend. He said he wanted to start spending time together to see if this works out, to see if he still has feelings for me in the end. He loves me very much. Lately he has said he has rediscovered his feelings for me, loves me more in ways, thinks he can forgive me. Of course, none of this info is volunteered, only when I ask how he is doing. Things were going better, still fragile between us. Very rarely ML (2x/month), little or no touching on his part, no voluntary ILY, I let it be but say it when I want to to let him know he is loved (esp. since that was his complaint). He talks of the future of US, we are making plans for the year, etc.
Of course, there were things that I was not getting from him too. He was a workaholic, and I often came second and was expected to understand. I mentioned that when we first blew up in Oct, but have not since. I have tried to be VERY OK with whenever he comes home and whatever he has to do (mostly because he needs space too). Slowly, he has started to come home earlier, calls to tell me when he will come, tries to make it home for dinner (said the other day that he wanted to make an effort to spend time with me), and spends all day onweekends with me.
LOTS of progress on both of our parts. I am grateful that he even comes home each night. Though in the beginning I dreaded him leaving and begged to stay, I very quickly told him that I would understand if he did leave to separate or D. I still tell him that. I tell him that I will be sad, but not mad, I will be OK financially, no one will be mad (parents, etc), not to stay out of guilt or obligation. I want him to be happy, and settling is not that. We can make it through the rough patch, but in the end, if he feels that it's not there, then it's OK. I don't want him to feel pressure to stay. I even offered to leave if it would make him feel better. He has always said no, said he wanted to sleep in the same bed, could not handle leaving. In fact, I need to stop asking that, since when I do, I have noticed that it's starting to bother him (hurts, like I don't have faith in this).
OK, enough blabbering. Where are we now? Lots of pain. This morning was very emotional, he is going through a lot with work and his estranged brother came into town as a surprise yesterday wanting to spend the weekend to cheer him up--but did not want him to tell me that he was in town. So basically LIE...which H did not do, said he could not do that to me. He is spending time with him out of hosting and being nice (mostly BIL is here for his own family issues of reconnection, very selfish). On top of that, my grandmother is dying and that is stressful. H immediately came home and consoled me before leaving. Lots of issues between them and it's overwhelming--mostly by his family...they were not supportive and stopped speaking to me for 3 months now. I reached out but they did not. That is a BIG thing for me.
THis morning, we were both feeling a lot of pain and cried together. He because he feels lots of stress at work, between us, feels tired of putting on a happy face and getting thru the day, lots of pressure (I again offered to leave if that would help--he almost cried at that). I am sad because of all I did. He is so sweet, his love is the best thing in my world. I love him so much and would give anything for him to feel wonderful toward me again. I know it will come. It's just a sad and painful day. I hate it, but also, knowing H's tendency to suppress feelings, I think it's a good thing that he is still in pain and willing to tell me. Means that this is following a normal course. Normally, he was all about "let's have normal times, not talk R, and just forget" which I think is detrimental.
So, I am embarrassed that my started post is so rambling, and so whiny--it's hard to write well when you givet he big story (well, that's my excuse!). I know that in so many ways I am blessed. I am grateful for each day he comes home to share his presence. I wish I had always treated him like this. I wish we did not have all the pain that we have had over 14 years to each other.
It's a 3-day weekend so folks might be out having fun (hope so!). But, if anyone cares to read the ramble without nausea, I would welcome your dialogue.
