Alot of you know my story, wife hit MCL at 37, had an affair, went a bit nuts over the last 7 months, the tatoos, drinking, smoking, sex, she has hit them all. Well the divorce that she wanted is now final. No cort or anything like that, jsut a simple divorce.
She has in the last month really started to feel the pain she has caused everyone with the affair and the other stuff. She lost her car, almost got kicked out of her house she rents, her grandfather died, my sons G/Fs dad was murdered. All of this has happend in a short period of time.
She now is starting to own up to the mess she caused. On the night of the divorce was final I text her this, "For the first time in 19 years im going to bed and your not my wife" she text back "Werid, and sad hu" I text back "Yea very sad and im sorry it turned out this way" She text back "Dont say your sorry Im the one who Fed this all up, Sorry"
So she is starting to see the light I think. I ask her lastnight if she was happy the divorce was final she said she does not feel any differnt then she did 4 days ago.
I know she still loves me, last Sunday I had to get her a car so she could work and pay her rent, I said to her " So im ok to take care of you when you are sick and get you a car but im not ok to be your husband" she said "Its not you, im such a bad person I cant be your wife right now".
She needs some theropy and I hope she does go soon, do you think its over forever? I do still love her so much, we get along great without the other crap. I just hope she gets out of this MCL soon, I think I see the signs of it.
Falcon, You've been an extremely patient man thus far. Can you be patient a little while longer? She's finally starting to see the destruction that she's left behind and it's going to be a while longer before she actually wakes up.
I'm glad to see that her eyes are starting to open up and if you can provide her a safe landing place, I do believe in another 6-12 months she'll be landing more and more frequently. Given her comments about things, she still has to learn to accept what she's done and find inner peace.
Hopefully she will seek out therapy and it will help, but she's got some guilt still to deal w/for what she's done before she's fully healed.
Take care of yourself. You've done an excellent job in providing unconditional love to her.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Yea snodderly, I think she is so full of guilt that she goes out and self medicates and gets more guilt for that, its like a catch 22 with her now. The more guilt she feels the more I think she goes out and tries to feel better.
I have seen the guilt, I have confronted her with a few lies she has told me over the last 2 months, now those lies were to try to save my feelings but boy when I did say something she turned into a Bi*ch fast. I could see the pain in her eyes. With her history of sexual abuse, its just a mess in her head right now.
Im patient, its only been 7 months so far and im not going to walk away from a 21 year relationship for 7 month of insanity. But I do have to really start detaching myself from her as much as I can. The sex we had has almost stoped, I say almost hehe I do have my weak moments but nowhere near what it was a few months ago.
To me snodderly the divorce is just paper, really does not mean as much as I thought it would. We do talk everyday, heck sometimes 5 times aday and I do see her almost everyday. Good thing is I see my daughter almost everyday to.
One weird thing she told me at dinner the other night was "When I get married again its not going to be in the corthouse its going to be in Vegas" I said I hope you invite me and she said "I was talking about us silly". Weird hu lol
Falcon, You are so right about the divorce being just a piece of paper.
As for your wife, she's going to hit bottom and you'll need to be there as her friend and a safe landing place. You are doing very well and as you said yourself, you need to detach a bit more.
I'm happy that you are able to talk to her and the reason it's been easier for you is because you've understood the process and what it takes to let them go for a bit. I'm also happy to hear that you are seeing your daughter. It makes a world of difference to a child to see both parents each and every day.
Keep up the good work. I just may read about your story when you remarry in Vegas!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
My Auntie died today, she was 90 but it still hurt me, called the X and we talked she was really nice then I went a bit nuts and told her she has not been there for me for the last 7 months. Big fight started that involved her mother But its better now, I need to talk to her about me starting to pull my self away a bit, she does not seem to understand that when we are together or she kisses me goodbye it really does still hurt me.
Told her we will talk tomarrow and see where it goes from there.
Falcon, I'm so sorry to hear about your Auntie's passing. She lived a full life and she's right there w/you each and every day. Cherish those memories and pull them out when you are feeling down.
If you do speak to her, keep the conversaton on an even keel. Don't confront her or tell her what she's not been doing. When point out the error of her ways, she's going to come out swinging and be pushed further away. You're going to learn more about this as you go along.
Take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
You know snodderly, what I got yesterday out of the fight, well it wasnt much of a fight more of a discusion with her mother and I and her. It was why would you want to be with a woman who has had an affair and slept around some. I dont think this family really truely knows what love is.
And maybe im just justifying it in my own mind? She started the affair on a Thursday and ask for a seperation on Staurday. Since then we have not been together so what she did is what she did. I to could of dated, slept around I just chose not to. She did not keep the affair from me for more then a week, she knew in her heart she could not stay married and still see this man.
So can I forgive her for all the rest of the stuff since we have been seperated? I think so, I just need her to make her way thru this and come out the other end and understand she does have a good man right in front of her.
Falcon, In my books, you are a very good man to be still waiting for her to complete her crisis. Many would have thrown their hands up and said screw it a long time ago. You've done your homework and understand what's happening and that's excellent.
Keep up the good work. You are doing great!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
lol not so great today, went to her house and talked to her about how much hit hurts to see her and be with her without really being with her. She said she understands and that she still loves me, she just cant be a wife to me right now, and I lost it, tears all over the place.
She does have a point, that if she really thought about it that I am now the man she wanted for years, and not that A-hole I was it would drive her crazy. Why now am I that way? Well I grew up thats why and im just hoping she grows up and understands how much I love her.
She does not understand why I still love her, she told me today I deserve so much better then her. I have a feeling that she really went off the deep end and did things I really dont want to know about.
Well ill just try to stay even keeled for now and let time go on I guess.
Detachment is key. You must do it for you. It is wonderful that she is begining to see what she has done. As others have said, give her time to reflect. Don't push her ( R talks ) just do as you can, being there for her - to LISTEN. Time is on your side...
M: 35; Together 14 years - married 5.5 no children Bomb 22-JAN-2005; D a few months later First real relationship post D just ended ( 7 months ):(
But its better now, I need to talk to her about me starting to pull my self away a bit, she does not seem to understand that when we are together or she kisses me goodbye it really does still hurt me.