It saddens me to have to write you a letter like this. Never would have imagined it, but if I step back, I should have seen it coming.
We did marry young; you have made that clear, and you are right. I guess that I thought despite that fact, we were both just lucky enough to have found the right person for each other the first time out. I guess I thought we got it right sooner than most.
For 8 years, our life together consisted of never settling down. We moved around a lot due to your job with the military, and I was fine with that, because I was so proud of you. It also afforded us so many experiences that I'll always cherish. The memories we made then are priceless to me.
When we moved back to our home state, we were still unsettled. You changed jobs a couple of times, we had an apt. and were house-hunting. Finally, you started your career with the department and we bought our little dream starter home. Just when things began to look settled...9/11.
Chaos. Destruction. Much more time apart again. You were pulled away from our life at home to deal with the repurcussions of that awful day, and then you began deploying with the guard. More time apart. Never settled down. Little did I know, but this is how you need to live.
Finally, in 2004/2005, the dust was settling. We were together much more often. We had our home and weren't going to be moving around anymore. I began to see our future. You began to feel trapped. And that's when you began an affair.
I tend to think if we had lived a more 9-5 life together, you may have done this sooner than you did. But the nature of your work afforded you all the distractions you needed so that you didn't have to focus on your problems, the lack inside yourself, the dread of normalcy. I guess the drama fed you for as long as it could, until it ran out and you had to face a stable, married lifestyle...which is not what you want right now.
And so it comes to this. I miss you very much. I wish things didn't have to be the way they are, but I know you are not capable of being a husband to me right now. Perhaps you won't ever be. I'm not sure I'm ready to fully let go of the hope.
Love, hopefloats7
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
