Where's my pot of gold?

[StrongEnough]

Hi Always...

How long did you say you separated for? Did you feel that it was too soon to move back together again? did you need more space? Do you need it now?

Well, we were seperated for a little over a year. One month before we got back together, he was telling OW that he loved her. So, one month later when he told me he loved me and wanted to work things out, I felt that he was again being impulsive. After about five days of seeing each other, he wanted to move back in. I wasn't ready but like I said I didn't have nerve to speak up against it. I originally told him I would like to give it at least six months or so to see how we do before moving back in together. He initially (for like 2 days) agreed. I think I needed more space then, and I know I need it now. Seperation now isn't an option because I won't toy with my kid's emotions like that.

So, yes, I am living with yo-yo emotions from H. Still on the roller coaster. He is reading the ATA book and struggling with it. He is just quiet and withdrawn today. My C got canceled because my C is sick, and he has to go later on today. So, he is bound to come back even more gloomy.

I think that maybe I am detaching. Considering I am suppose to be reconciling, I guess that really isn't a positive move. I guess deep down I must feel threatened or too unsure because of his constant changing emotional state and detaching is now a natural reaction for my own preservation.

I'm glad you were able to get something out my miserable post!!! We do have a lot to learn from each other here.

So for now, I guess I will just plug on and wait and see what happens. I go to the gym tonight for that study program, that should make me feel a little better if I start that. I am feeling liek quite the fat @ss since the surgeries and I have put on about 18 pounds from inactivity from the months of healing. I want to be back to my 118 pounds that I was so happy at for a long, long time!!!! I will do it, it is just going to take time, like everything else.

~SE

[StrongEnough]

I had to share this first because I thought it was too cute and secondly because it made me think a lot.

My D10, has this boy that she likes who goes to her school. He is one year younger then her. They spend a lot of time in the phone together and playing together. He bought her some little stuffed animals for a present. Well, last night at dinner she tells me that he bought a sapphire necklace for another girl. I said "I thought he liked you" She replied "He likes everyone". So, I guess at the ripe old age of 9 he is already a player. Evidently, when he offered his very expensive gift to this other girl (where does someone his age get the $$ tp shop at Zales?) I guess she refused it and ran away from him. My D10 then tells me that he isn't sure now if he is going to give it to her or yet another little girl that he likes. I almost said to send him packing and find someone else, out of respect for herself. Plus, as a mom it broke my heart to think that someone was hurting her feelings this way.

Then I thought aboug my situation. She knows about the A. She was friends with OW and H used to let her talk on the phone with her. So, in one way, I want to tell her that she deserves to be treated with more respect then that, but MY actions have shown her differently. I realize that they are just kids, but she came home today almost in tears and when I asked her what was wrong she said "Mooommmm......it's personal life stuff". So, I am guessing he gave the necklace to the other girl. <SIGH> Not two minutes later she called him on the phone.

I am just hoping that our situation hasn't given the wrong idea on how someone should be treated. Again, I know they are only kids but I think she is old enough to understand respect.

So, that's my story of the day.

~SE

[StrongEnough]

Well, today has begun. It is pretty much the same as every other day. H is in a deep depression, but he is still trying. No matter how much we "push each other" in our little pushing match, he comes right back and tries.

H has me thinking. What if I am the one in MLC? Maybe it's all me, not him. Or am I just getting caught up in his roller coaster of emotions? I can see that I am getting caught up in his depression, or rather, letting it affect me. I am void of energy and desire to do anything. There is so much that needs to be done, and that I want to do, but I would rather just sit here with my misery company and wallow in it. <sigh> I had made so much progress with my depression and anxiety, and now I feel like I am back at the beginning.

It's so easy to come on these boards and give out solid advice telling people to detach, not to let their S's actions/words/emotions take them away from working on themselves, but here I am not even able to take my own advice. Which then brings me full circle to maybe I am the one in crisis here, not my H.

~SE stuck in the "Land of Confusion"

[StrongEnough]

This roller coaster ride is getting crazy.

H has been out of sorts lately. Well, last night he was very short with me. This morning, after he didn't take my call on his cell while he was working and called me back 2 hours later, I told him that I felt he was pulling away. That soon he would be looking for an out. He said he was sorry if I felt that way, but if he was distancing himself it was only because he was being true to his feelings.

Later on when he called me again, he denied saying that and said that he wasn't distancing himself. That confused the heck out of me.

I have been having a really bad day. It stems from a disorder that I was diagnosed with a long time ago, but never did anything about. H is now saying that I don't have this disorder, that he is the problem. He says since I was happier and felt better about myself when we weren't together that we needed to analyze and look at the reality of our situation. So, there goes that HUGE RED FLAG. HERE IS HIS WAY OUT.

Naturally, he denies it. Gets upset that I think that. I just think he doesn't have the b@lls to admit he's given up. What I wasn't ready for is the emotional turmoil it has left me in. I thought that I was moving forward and would be fine if this didn't work. Guess I was wrong, guess I was attached to an outcome that I wasn't even sure I wanted. I am sitting here nauseous and anxious.

H is in the other room watching tv. When I told him I really didn't want to talk about it anymore, that I was upset. He said...."Well I guess I'll go watch tv then" WTF is that about??

So, here are the facts I have to work with:
1) H is in deep depression.
2) H has been distancing himself for some time.
3) H has been screwing with my head a bit. (he is manipulative)
4)H now claims he is the root of my problems and not my disorder.
5) H is 5 weeks into his new job. He use to talk about this girl who was soo nice a little too much, hasn't mentioned her name at all lately.
6) H is not coming home with mints or gum or anything to cover up his breath.......did the same thing when he was with OW.

So, what am I supposed to think here? Am I being irrational? Or am I just losing what little sanity I have left???

~SE

[LKC_06]

SE,
Is he right? Were you happier when you guys were seperated? Have you let yourself slip back into old patterns and not realize it? Go back to acting as if and drop any R talk. You do not know anything for sure about a possible ow2 so don't drive yourself crazy with those thoughts.ok.

((((hugs)))
Lisa_c

[Keyster43]

SE,
I dont know what to tell you and I feel for what you are going through deeply. It hurts me hear that you are having problems that you thought had been worked out. I too used to be depressed as you well know, so I know what it is like. Remember about the "man and his cave", from Mars/Venus. Your H is has somethings on his mind and is in his cave. Let him be, he will come out when he is ready. Just tell him you will be there for him when he is ready to talk, but on his own time. Use this time as dark time and work on SE, whatever you need to do just do it. He will see this and start to come around. It sounds like the two of you are pushing way too musch and both need a break, so take a break. Give him a hug and just let it go. You will be okay and know this better than anyone else. Just like you said, "who thought that piecing would be so difficult. You need to ask yourself what you want and go get it...for you. I dont know what else to say or even if this helps. I hope it does ((((((SE)))))).

AK

[StrongEnough]

Lisa...thanks for stopping in. He is right, I was a lot happier when we were seperated.

We just had a long conversation. He gave me a ton of reasons why I shouldn't want to be with him. We have pretty much come to a stalemate. He says he doesn't want to end this, he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me BUT (isn't there always a but?) He doesn't think it's healthy for me.

He was looking for a definite answer and I told him I wouldn't act on instinct, there was too much at stake.

As far as the "as if" that is very disturbing to him. He hates it because he says it is phony and gets us nowhere and we end up where we started. He really hates all this BD stuff. I never intiate R talk, he always does.

I don't know......he has me convinced I am the one here at fault and in MLC.

Thanks agsin Lisa.

[StrongEnough]

AK....what you have to say does help a lot. I can't go dark when he constantly beings up R talk. I have tried avoiding them, ending them, you name it.

I have faced the fact that we are spinning our wheels and admitted to him tonight that I don't think we will work. He knows from prior talks that I love him, but not like I used to. When I detached, I detached fully and it doesn't look like I am going to make it back.

I know no matter what, I WILL be ok. But thanks for the reminder, I needed it. You have come a long way and it's a really good reminder of just how important Db'ing is.

You need to ask yourself what you want and go get it...for you

I know what I want. I want to be happy. I don't want to spend my days fighting off anxiety and depression and other ugly things that come along with it. I just don't know the path to get there. Is it alone or with H?

~SE

[st]

But then in this situation that we are all in (and I include myself) what is reality? Its not to say its my fault or their fault, or that they did this because i did that because they did something else. I am finding it is a vicious cycle, a dog chasing his tail.Break the cycle become you and they may or may not follow because you can change or control YOU but not them.

Nothing is what I thought it was. It is all a matter of perception as to what happened or how. That is the point.

If he wants to but you don't then its in your court plain and simple. If he is looking for an out or bluffing call him on it. If he thinks it is not healthy for you, maybe it isn't but then what needs to be done within the relationship to make it healthy for BOTH of you? It was before and it can be again. If he wants in he needs to bring some poker chips.

Don't act on instinct, think it through from all perspectives (I'm very analytical) if you need to, then act...

None of this is easy, which is why we come here for support.

st

[StrongEnough]

st- thanks you make a lot of sense with what you say. It is true we are stuck in ther action/reaction/action cycle. It's hard to see just where you can stop it though.

I wish I knew what reality was too. I don't know if he's looking for an out or bluffing, but if I call him on it, and he leaves.....there's always going to be that "what if". Then again, I think no matter what there will always be the "what ifs".

H and I don't know how to have a healthy relationship. We never had one. Our M was always shaky, filled with lies and deceit, insecurities, control, manipulation, etc. We have both changed. I am working on me and will continue to do so. But, it seems the more I work on me, the more angry and distant H becomes because I am not focusing on fixing us. We both have our own personal issues that need to be addressed before we can even try to move forward. He just started C so he is just now starting to see his issues.

I try to never act on instinct. I am also very analytical.

And no, none of this IS easy.
~SE