Where's my pot of gold?

[StrongEnough]

On another note here. This depression/anxiety with my H is new. It has developed over the last month or so. In that time, he has been all over the place with his feelings. I told him he is like a fish on dry land, flopping around with his emotions. One minute he is throwing his hands up, doesn't think he can do this anymore, etc. Then, a little while later is all "I love you, I want to make this work, etc." He goes back and forth all the time. His moods are all over the place. H hasn't acted this way in a while. My instinct tells me there is something wrong.

Well, when I was talking to mother today her impression of the situation is that he could be setting up a way out because he has his eye on someone and might want to explore that. Unfortunately, it hit home with me. I see much of the same behaviour now that I saw in H before I found out about the affair, with the exception of him telling me he wants to work on this. He even bought the book After the Affair yesterday.

He has me totally confused. He knows that he is superb liar and I can't tell when he is lying to me.

He also stresses a lot on the "I am 34 years, I am not getting any younger." So, is he settling? Am I?

The thing that disturbs me the most is that he holds my personal growth against me like it's a bad thing. It didn't say it in the email, but what he wrote and what he says about it are two different things. I told him that if he were to leave, my life wouldn't fall apart like it did the last time. It was my fault that I gave him that much power over me to render me lost and helpless when he left. I won't let that happen again for the sake of my children. I told him that I know I can make it, and have a happy life. I think it's a good thing that I don't depend on him for my happiness. He sees all of this as negative and twists it around to make it sound like I don't want to be with him.

I guess my main point it he is constantly telling me that he doesn't think I want to be with him, he doesn't think I love him, he can't do this much longer, he's going to start bottling up his feelings and not talk anymore...all these negative things. Could this be an attempt on his part to make me be the one to end it so he isn't the bad guy again?

~SE