Where's my pot of gold?

[StrongEnough]

Thanks AK and Sage.

AK- He said last night that he still wants to work on this. I am the one who said "I am THIS close to calling it quits". He asked me if I was threatening him. I told him I wasn't just telling him how I was truly feeling. He does harbor a lot of anger and resentment and that's where I see the problem as you will see in my response to Sage.

Sage- I have made many steps towards H. He has asked for other things that I have made a daily effort on. THings like more hugs and kisses, being the first to say :I love you", doing little acts of service (his LL). I have been open with my feelings when he asks about them. Intimacy is the only thing that I haven't been able to give into yet. Instead of noticing anything that I do make effort on, I get blasted for the one thing I don't. As far as what I would like in return from him. When he is talking to me openly about his feelings, he throws all his anger and resentment my way. From the first word to the last word, it's all anger. I have tried, with my responses, to steer the conversations in different directions to get him to redirect or atleast try and recogmize his anger. Nothing seems to work. We talked about this last night and he knows it's something that he needs to work on. I told him that his openness is appreciated, because after 10 years of lying to my face, that's what I need. I also told him that when he approaches me with anger, that it's not meeting my needs as much as it is pushing me away. So, I basically feel that my needs aren't getting met. We agreed to discuss this in MC. We can't go to MC until H gets some more IC. (At the request of our C's)

When he returned yesterday, our S2 was napping. I took the opportunity to take a little nap myself. H asked if I was avoiding him and I told him I wasn't avoiding him. I was avoiding the arguing. I wake up to this email that he wrote for me:

SE:
I’m sorry for what I am putting you through. Through all of this I have come to realize what kind of person I am and what I need to work on for my own happiness. I now understand what you felt like when all of this happened. (As far as hurt and depression go.) I will try my best not to bring up the subject anymore as I see it is a dead issue. You have come a long way in the last few months and I don’t want to ruin that for you. I don’t know how to deal with my feelings right now and because of that I am pushing you away…that is the last thing I want to do. I will try my best to push my needs aside and cater to your needs, I don’t know what else to do and that seems to be the only way for us to live in peace. I’m going to ask for some antidepressants Tuesday as I think it will help me deal with my feelings better and think clearer. I hate feeling like this all of the time and you are not able to help me through, not that I should look to you for that either.

H

I really didn't know what to make of it. I don't know what he means by "what kind of person I am". I decided against asking because we were both emotionally exhuasted and I didn't talking again would be productive at that point. Secondly, I did tell him that pushing his needs aside and catering to mine wasn't a healthy thing and that I wasn't unwilling to meet his needs. (I have been trying) I also know that he has said something similar to that, only to end up blowing up at me when he has had enough catering and wants his needs met. He pretty much said he blames me for his depression and anxiety. It all stems from me, and that I am unwilling to help him through it How can I help him with that???? I give him everything he asks for (except that one thing) I don't know. I am definitely going to look more into that MLC thing as I see him as a bit confused right now. Like he is lost within himself.

He also mentioned that he doesn't like me working on me. He doesn't like the fact that I come here, get advice and give advice, and that I have grown as a person. He thinks that takes the focus of working on the M. I tried to explain that isn't the case, it just gives me a more positive attitude and the strength I need to try and through it. He just doesn't get it.

So, I pretty much got left with the feeling that I can't do anything right for him and we agreed that communication is a big problem with us and something we need to work on in MC.

On a lighter note, my mom saw he wasn't right when got home yesteray. She called me later and asked what was going on. I told her. After a couple hours, she called to make sure the roof was still on the house, and I told her H had calmed down and there was still a roof. She said "Good, because you don't want to know the comment I had for him if he was still angry at you". I HAD to ask, so I did. Her response" Well, if he thinks sex is so damn special and so sacred and wonderful in the M, then why was he willing to do it with the first women he met with peanut butter legs?" I just had to laugh. I thought it was really funny. Negative, but funny.

So the night ended with us watching a stand up comic that is really funny. We didn't talk, just watched the DVD and had some laughs, then went to bed. He left for work already so it gives me some time to reflect on the events and see what can be done in this situation.

Sage- I hope this book I just wrote answered some of your questions.

~SE