Where's my pot of gold?

[always_14]

Hey Strong,

Sounds like you had a really productive R talk last night that didn't end in a fight. Sounds like H is ready to hear and agree to some stuff. SOOOO glad he liked the counselor, and facing the hard stuff, and doing it for HIM. As weird as it sounds, good that he's bummed, means he's feeling the reality of life and decisions....I'm really keeping my fingers crossed for you that this lasts and is productive for him.

When the time is right, can you tell H what your needs are (to not just feel sexy, but important---see you're not THAT immune to needing things!!! ). I'm sure he'll be more willing to listen, if he knows that you see his needs too, and with a little more time in IC.

Good for you with the positive thoughts. Looking back is good for some things, but at a certain point you have to move on. Can't always be looking in the rear view. BUT, it IS important to talk about the past, work it out together and THEN lay it to rest, if not, it just piles up and starts festering, then stinking, then rotting, then one of you just HAS to open the door to it again.

Get out tonight!!! Go to that thrift store....I'm sure if H sees you visibly happier when you get back, he might be more willing to give you the breaks.

Hang in there...another night, another day. Hope you have a good one with H. As much as he credits OW, I think he's gonna see how unreal it was, how you're the "real deal" through thick and thin. I think he's just feeling guilty that there ever was a "thin."

[StrongEnough]

good that he's bummed, means he's feeling the reality of life and decisions....I'm really keeping my fingers crossed for you that this lasts and is productive for him.

Me too Always. I really hope he sticks with him for himeslf. Even if we do part ways, he will STILL be a better person for it. He has a lot of his healing and growing to do. I can't do that for him.

Check out the Newcomer's thread. Something there posted by TJ about "men in relationsips" or something to that effect. Talking about a DB'er get-together in this area. I know it's a long way, you interested? So far, I think I am the only woman in this area and told them I couldn't go if I was the only woman, I would have nobody to go to the ladie's room with!!!!

At any rate. I am hanging in there. I feel good today. A local gym is recruiting 50 people for a 21-day trial program that they are testing and I signed up. Getting my butt to the gym! I feel good about that decision. It is so close that I could walk there. Plus it's all women, so that makes the environment a little better.

I think he's just feeling guilty that there ever was a "thin.

I honestly feel that he doesn't hold guilt anymore. I will disagree with you that he is going to see that OW and all that "great stuff" was unreal. He has stood by his "credit giving" since the day he came back home.

Time will tell.....one day at a time.....but I am going to continue to work on me, go to the gym and lose my vanity pounds, pamper myself and dust of my nice clothes and stop living in sweat suits. It is a bad habit I got in after all the surgeries and I am going to break it. Time to make ME feel good about ME.(again)

~SE

[Keyster43]

Strong,
I just finished reading your thread. I do not have any advice for you...other than to do what you feel is right. I did not even think of what my reaction would be if my W asked to reconcile. I guess, my initisl response would be pure joy, which would then be tempered by the lingering pain and hurt. Now that I think about it more reconciling aint gonna be as easy as I thought. The one thing that would linger in my mind would be is sh thinking of doing this again. First let us get through the D on Feb. 2 and take it from there. I think I have a solid 1-2 years before reconciliation is even on the table. Its a long shot. Reading your thread has made it very clear that I just need to work on myself...period.

AK

[always_14]

Hey Strong...I had a whole post written to you...don't see it now....geez. Only I could manage to screw that up.

I'll write more later. Mainly, I'm happy with your makeover PMA!!!

[StrongEnough]

AK...thanks for dropping in! Sorry if you had to read anything that was a rude wake-up call, but the reality is that reconciling IS hard. Continuing to work on yourself for now is a great plan. I am so sorry that your D is coming up soon. Remember, we're all here for you.

Always...LOL. Were you drinking those beers again last night??? Thanks for the affirmation on the PMA.


Last night H and I had a backslide (Always, I think we are starting to get in sync and jinxing each other!) For some reason H grabbed my cell phone and started scrolling through all the phone calls. There was one from the state that OW lives in. He got very flustered and jumped on me for it. I told him that I had been getting wrong numbers and hang-ups. So, I clicked on the number to show the time for the phone call and it said 24 seconds. He got really angry and said it wasn't a hang up and accused me of talking to OW's XH. (In the past, we have spoken and exchanged information) I offered to let him call the number and find out who it was. He said "No, I am not starting sh!t with that situation again" So insistant that is was her X. I googled the number, and he did a search as well, and the name came back as someone neither one of us know. H still really didn't believe me. He said that information could be old and inaccurate. Then he was upset with me because he couldn't understand why I was angry and hurt.

I guess I just don't like the way the whole thing went down. He always asks me to give him the benefit of the doubt and when push comes to shove, he isn't willing to do the same for me. First off, what can be said in 24 seconds? Secondly, he has been on this site. Not that I have anything to hide, but I feel like he is always standing over my shoulder waiting for me to do something "questionable" in his mind. I told him that he can read the boards, but it is a place to vent and share thoughts openly and that I knew he would read things that would be hurtful to him. (My reference to x/bf)

Despite this, my PMA is still pretty darn good today. It's not as high as it was the past few days, but it isn't as low as it has been this past year. So, I am making progress and I am happy about that.


Thought for the day...."This too shall pass"

~SE

[StrongEnough]

Well, tomorrow is our 11th Anniversary. Never thought I would see it but here we are nonetheless. So, I decided to surprise my H with a night away. I booked a room at a casino that we both like. I have everything packed up and ready to go. Now, after I get ready I just have to find an excuse to get him to leave work a little early so we can get there for check-in time.

As I sit here and reflect back on the past 11 years, I can remember some really good times. I admit, my life hasn't been what I always dreamed of, and I haven't met any of the goals that I wanted for myself (Master's degree, etc.) But that's OK. I have two beautiful children. They are the sweetest things. I love them with all my heart. My M is touch and go, but that's ok too. Everything happens for a reason in this and right now I am going along with the ride.

I have renewed faith in myself as a person and as a mother. I feel good about my accomplishments in life. I have been strong when I needed to be. The biggest thing is I have learned. I have learned that MOST things are possible if you want them enough and if you work hard enough.

Feeling pretty good today.........

[Was2sad]

SE

Congrats on the get-away. He will not know what hit him. One to remember.

I have been reading your post and might have missed something, or a lot. What have you read about MLC? It amazes me that so much of your text about your H seems to come right out of the published pages, even if the two of you don't think that is what this was. A great deal of your own thoughts and issues conincide with the cycle. Are people so predictable.

I honestly believe that the more factual information you gather on this the more you will be able to judge your sit not so much by emotion but by the nature of the beast. I won't go into it too much until I see more about what you have learned or read. In case you haven't spent a great deal of time on this, I will say all publications swear that after the transition if you both choose to stay together with the person you now come to know, you will experience the greatest unconditional love relationship any couple will ever know. It takes time to get that, and is worth the journey. But right now go enjoy that getaway. Would he believe your car is acting up and you need him to come home early and help get it to the shop before they close?

Always - You said you were a C? What kind?

I have some Q to ask if so. Even if not, Karl Jung wrote about the changing path in life of the woman seeking her independence and the man seeking a more emotional connection. Part of his work on Anima and Animus. Some of SE thread follows that and shows a connection. Comments?

[StrongEnough]

was2sad...thank you for stopping by!

Interesting you mention MLC. When this all began a couple years ago, I suspected MLC and read up on it in the DB book, but never took it much further. My H didn't have a lot of the "textbook" signs. He didn't change his appearance or his style, the only thing he did was buy a flashy new truck on a whim without consulting me. ANd ofcourse, the A. He vehemently denied a MLC becasue he was too young (31 at the time) SO, I gave up on it. You may be onto something that I might need to read up on a little bit more. I thank you greatly for your insight on this.

It amazes me that so much of your text about your H seems to come right out of the published pages, even if the two of you don't think that is what this was. A great deal of your own thoughts and issues conincide with the cycle. Are people so predictable.

I am very interested in your elaboration on this, if you are willing. I know there are different stages to MLC. Are you, as an outsider, able to see what stage we/he is/are at? I would love to have this food for thought and if it seems like it coincides with my situation, certainly something I would like to explore further in my IC.

I honestly believe that the more factual information you gather on this the more you will be able to judge your sit not so much by emotion but by the nature of the beast.

I would do anything to look at this in a more positive way and from a perspective that might help the both of us transition through this easier and maybe with a better outcome. I commited to trying to make this work and I will exhaust every option so no matter what the outcome, I will know I tried everything.

I called H and asked him to jet out a little early. It is a touchy situation since this is a new job for him and he wants to keep the balance of keeping work happy and keeping me happy. I apologized for springing it on him last minute, but I have been planning this for weeks and I wasn't able to get a room until early this am when they had a cancellation. He said he felt like he was put on the spot to choose between me and his job. That was NOT what I intended to do, and I affirmed/validated that I understood and again apologized. This is a 180 for me. S, my PMA is still helping to be that better person that got buried from all the BS.

Always.....you are a C? I must have missed that somewhere. I, too, am interested in what you C in. Inquiring minds want to know!!

Thanks again was2sad. I anxiously await your response and recommendations for some good books or sites regarding this matter. YOu can email sites if you have any, since I am not sure if posting them on this BB is against the rules.

~SE

[Was2sad]

I just read over posts from Always and see where I read counselor wrong. Need sleep.

I copied a link over on your MLC post so won't repeat it here.

The DB and DR books are excellent tools to have in your bag. I also have the KeepLoveAlive cd set. I get something new out of everything I read.

Several books have been mentioned on this board so it may be ok to try that again here. I have not read Surviving Your Husbands MLC or something like that. May be a Conway book. I see the ladies mention it.

My W is in IC and may or may not be in MLC but was told of a book InTheMeantime by Vanzant. I read it. We are all in the meantime and while this book is not mentioned here except by me, I suggest you check it out. It doesn't acknowledge MLC as much as it address what we do in life when we are 'in the meantime'. That is what the MLC person is, whether they know or not. And that makes us in the meantime.

The six stages of mlc thread on this board is an eye opener. It is in the link I sent you. And you won't hear many C use the MLC term. Why?

You'll find a lot of threads in MLC to read and just remember MLC is not a single recipe since it involves depression, self esteem, identity crisis and possibly unresolved issues from early in life. It is often triggered by an event forcing one to review their life, like the loss of a loved one, a job, or a marriage. We don't see them processing these issues internally for months before the bomb falls, but it apparently does. I feel like it is a bump in the road to growth in life and the MLC person can't find their way over it or around. It's not all about age.

[StrongEnough]

Need sleep

I second that notion!! I think we could all use some extra sleep around these parts!

Thanks for the book recommendation.

You'll find a lot of threads in MLC to read and just remember MLC is not a single recipe since it involves depression, self esteem, identity crisis and possibly unresolved issues from early in life. It is often triggered by an event forcing one to review their life, like the loss of a loved one, a job, or a marriage. We don't see them processing these issues internally for months before the bomb falls, but it apparently does. I feel like it is a bump in the road to growth in life and the MLC person can't find their way over it or around. It's not all about age.

Ok, so are you saying the my H could possibly have been in MLC and is now coming out of it? I guess I am just confused because I really don't know a whole lot about MLC. He seems to have found his way over the "bump" by "realizing that he loved me, missed me and that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me". Again, not knowing much about MLC, are his actions NOW still part of cycle? Where as he could still be in MLC mode? He has always been impulsive. He overnight decided to he wanted me back. That has always been a big issue to me. Something about it never sat right with me. He describes it as "over a couple days" of thinking about it. I could this where this might be MLC like behavior. Then again, I am starting to realize that I didn't know as much about my situation as I thought I did, this has been a real eye opener for me.

Thanks.

~SE