Where's my pot of gold?

[StrongEnough]

Thanks Bow and Always.

Bow~ I know you're right. He has said it so many times that bedtime causes him a lot of anxiety because he "waits" for me to be interested again and make a move. Since I am not there yet, I guess I just don't want to face it. Also, I don't like hurting people, especially H and I know that he is hurting over the situation. THen comes the trouble of deciding do I just do it and hope that I come around? He WILL notice if I'm not really "into" it and I don't know what that would do to him.

Always~ YOu're right too. His goal is always the same. I think that pushes me away a little. When he compliments me, it's always on how I look. Not that there is anything wrong with that, and I do have my own personal demons when it comes to self image problems, but I guess maybe if he complimented for being a wife, mother, friend, anything that would make me feel it was genuine and non-sexual, I wouldn't get pushed away so easy and feel that all he wants is sex, not a good mother for our children, not a caring wife, not a best friend.


Thanks for the 2x4

I know you're independent. But face it (and I'm saying this directly, as a FRIEND!)...you're married.

We talked a bit about this yesterday. He said that he appreciates my independance and doesn't want to feel needed as much as feel wanted. HUGE difference there. I am trying to take small steps to show him that I want him here and that I want to work on this M.

We both had C yesterday. My session went very well. H had his first appointment and he likes his C, says she actually very intelligent. So, hopefully he sticks with it a bit and doesn't run away at the first thing he hears that he doesn't like.

Had some interesting revalations yesterday. Almost like an epiphany of sorts....throughout the last year, I have been doing EXACTLY what I didn't want H to do, and that is focus sooo much on repairing this M. I did that too, and in the process took the focus off of working on myself, for me. The DB stuff came rushing back to me in an instant. I remembered it all, everything I had worked so hard to acquire. I then realized that I had actually done a lot of personal growing despite my negativity. Unfortunately, as I have grown H has stayed status quo at a standstill. I have to wait for him to catch up now. We discussed this and he agreed. We also discussed the possibility of when we grow as people, we may grow apart and not together. We are different people then we used to know and that is difficult for both of us to get used to. H sees me not being attached to an outcome as a negative thing. I told him that it isn't negative, for me, it's positive. That I know if we don't work I can go on with life and be happy. That's when I finally got it. H just wanted reassurance that IF we didn't work, it would upset me. Once I spoke those words, then he felt liked I actually cared about saving this M. I said it, so now it's time to walk to walk.

All in all, I am trying to look only at the positive things from now on. Dwelling on the negative doesn't help anyone. Not me, not my kids, not my H and certainly not my M.

H has been depressed since C yesterday. Rehashing all the hurtful things wasn't easy for him. I told him I understand what he is going through and I was proud of him for taking the step and going, and I thanked him. He said, "Don't thank me, this is for me, not for you" By Golly, I think he's got it!!!!!

Ok, that is my book for the day. S2 is getting into something gotta run for now. I will check up in on how everyone else is doing when he gives me a minute.

~StrongEnough