I agree, it's a tough one with your Hs resistance to see his faults and to see a counselor. Do you go to IC? If not, perhaps it's something to think about, since you have a lot of emotions that aren't best aired in R talks with H. Also, they might be able to give you additional avenues to bring H around in this area. But, as they say, you can only make changes to you, H will change in his own time. I do realize, though, these are things you need from him to bring your M to being whole again. Really, perhaps a MC or IC will know what is best to do. It feels as if you have done everything to try to get your point across. So, as Sage would suggest, how can you 180 this? What could you do differently, see this from another view, to jump start?
Ugh...sorry about the A and OW story. That must have been awful for you to go through, and YES, so glad that you didn't witness with your own eyes. So, it seems that sexual affection is really big for your H, based on what you said he got from OW and from your last posts. Of course, your ability to give this is linked to your feelings of him having an A. Besides sexual, is there another way that he felt "wanted?" Emotionally? I know this is a big thing for my H and other Hs, feeling that Ws stop caring or needing them. It's a hard thing to start "needing" someone and reaching out when you've had your trust violated or have gone without for so long. But, these may be your baby steps. Think deeply of things he got from OW that excited him...what needs did they hit for him. I know it's weird to think this way. Of course, you're right, the whole concept of constantly wanting euphoria...and you know, I think it's the biggest misconception that it lasts forever and does not melt into a lasting more contented love. When we stop feeling the euphoria, we think it's time to move on, instead of seeing what it changed to...something stronger. I think it's why spouses can return to their M after an affair, they see that it was stronger all along.
Really, I'll say it again, I think your H is REALLY fogged right now with his experience, and his guilt. I think he's desperately trying to make sense of things, and is having a hard time accepting that while he feels guilty he DID have an experience that made him feel good. He gave it up. It's a hard contradiction. I also think that with what you told me, he's really phobic of people thinking badly of him, of him feeling badly about himself (the furious denial of manipulation, anger at counseling and facing things, anger at you being mad at the A in suicide threat, etc). I think it's something he fears will push him over the edge. I think he feels it would wreck him to know that you hated him for what he did...sounds like he places a lot in your perception ofhim (and then OW perception of him) and this could be tied to him not having close family or friends. Guilt is a hard thing to face, makes you feel really low. Hate to ask yo uthis, but do you think he might deal with depression? My H did for a while. It could be something that makes him unable of facing the feelings of guilt.
OK, I'm no phsychologist, so I'm just talking here...just trying to see the connections...sorry if I've stirred things or got it all wrong. Ignore me.
