Where's my pot of gold?

[sage]

SE,

Once again, I will take your posts in order though I have thoughts on what has transpired most recently...

This is not an ASSumption. H has flat out told me that he needs me to put forth 100% into this R. He expects me to be totally 100% committed emotionally, physically and otherwise. He doesn't want to hear that I can't give that. In HIS mind, it is unacceptable to expect anything less.

It seems to me that you guys are having a LOT of R talks...and that they don't seem to be working particularly well right now. Can you break the cycle of chatting about your commitment, his commitment, etc. and just DO some stuff together? I know you said you have nothing in common but eating out...start there or find something new! Even a walk around the block, going out for coffee, something that doesn't involve picking at your R.

Also, I think you should consider what your most usual response is to h's demand for your 100% commitment and do a 180 on it.

And finally, are you sure that your h isn't equating your 100% commitment with your fidelity? IOW, is anything less than that to him a sign that you may be stil considering outside options?

1) Are we testing each other?

There is a very good chance that that is what is going on here. Maybe we don't want to face it or admit it.

I would say a resounding "yes" to this...every post I read from you seems to be about one or the other of you torquing the other person up in one way or another.

2) Physical closeness. Try holding his hand, etc.

Well, I have tried. Last night we cuddled in bed. WHen he realized that my sleeping pill was kicking in and it wasn't going any further, he got aggravated and got out of bed. This is a recurring issue. If I give even a little bit, he ASSumes it will lead to sex. It frustates me and it frustates him and then we end up giving up. It's SO easy for us to give up.

How about babysteps here? Why not start with the physical closeness on a much smaller scale and OUTSIDE the bedroom????

H is finally going to start with a C next week. My C suggested that we are nowhere near ready for M counseling, but we can try and see what the M counselor says. My C was going to do it, but the one session with the two of us became an hour of H talking about HIS needs, HIS problems w/me, HIM, HIM and more HIM. Not US like it was supposed to be. Right now we feed into each other's anxiety. We both need to get better control of ourselves and our anxiety before we can take a step forward. If we don't, it will be the same old cat and mouse chase.

I'm not an expert but you guys are having SO many R talks, it scares me a little bit to think about you in MC. If you DO go, maybe you can create a moratorium on R talks outside of MC? And balance out the MC with some real positive times together???

Also, what did you LEARN about h's needs during the session? Always a good place to start...

Sage