Where's my pot of gold?

[StrongEnough]

Always....you have such insight it amazes me!

H did have a real issue with guilt. After we got back together, it seemed to go away. Not that he doesn't feel guilty, but that the guilt doesn't bother him anymore. I guess he feels that since he got his W, kids and house back, there is no need for guilt to stand in the way.

I do agree with your assessment that he thinks it benefited us that he is a "new man" because of her and that our M will be better because of the affair. He says that now he knows it's me he loves and wants to grow old with. It only took sleeping with my friend, destroying the lives of six kids and ruining two marriages to get there.

I guess you are right, there is nothing I can do about it.

I would love to share a lot of the stuff off this board with him. The problem with that is he gets instantly angry if someone tries to offer insight on him. My C thinks he is controlling and manipulative. I did see a lot of manipulation on his part while we were seperated. But, that infuriated him. If she hadn't met and spoke to him and offered that assessment, then fine, I can see where he is coming from. But, that wasn't the case. She made that assessment based on a session with him. He was livid.

He is a great one for using scare tactics. One New Yeat's Eve, he and I got into it, and I asked him for a seperation. He flipped out and starting slamming his head on the refrigerator, denting it. He acts out a lot when angry. That helped my C make her assessment as well. She suggested I read the book "The verbally abusive relationship". My mom had it and gave it to me. He got p!ssed as heck that I brought that book into the house.

Since we got back together, he always told me that if I didn't want to be with him he would make sure the kids didn't lose their home. It's the only home they know. He already changed that to my ex-bf would have to help support me because he ASSumes I would run right back to him.

So, you see where all my frustrations and negativity come from?? He tells me he loves me, tells me he wants this to work......but then he says all these terrible things and has these horrible reactions that make me not want to open up to him.

I guess I feel stuck and I feel that is an awful place to be. Not that I don't want things to work, but I want him to consider all the above mentioned things and he doesn't want to. My parents are very materialistic and have already told me that I should commit to him 100% or risk losing everything. So I also feel like I have a lot of pressure coming from them. Sometimes I just want to run far, far away. Have you ever felt that way? I'm sure I can't be the only one in this position.

~StrongEnough