Hi there. First, BIG hugs to you. I'm sorry that I didn't read through your post thoroughly. I went back and read many of them over again.
I realize that you're in quite a delicate dance right now, and having a low day is normal. It sucks, but it's normal. I guess if there was no pain, and it went fast (like your H anticipates--and mine) then it wouldn't be healing properly.
Hmmmm, your H has an "interesting" take on the A. I can definately see your frustrations. Do you both talk about this? Dumb question, but have you (or in MC) asked what you can do to also make him feel OK about expressing himself and being honest (yes, the irony killed me). I guess, what needs the OW met that he thought that you did not. It's frustrating, because no matter what, it's no excuse for him to find that outside the M, and then to not be sorry for it. My bet is that he IS sorry, that she did NOT in fact move him so profoundly, but it's his excuse to not say sorry and face the guilt. Guilt is a horrible process. Because, he can still say sorry, and still feel that this person, or the event in general, was ultimately good for him to mature. They are not mutually exclusive feelings.
Glad that you outlined the good and bad. So, you're primariy feeling that he is with you for $$ reasons. Perhaps true somewhat, but then again, you are with him for your son, $$ reasons, etc as well. It's hard to admit that there is more practical reasons other than gushy, rosy love that bonds 2 people. I struggled with this too.
Sounds like he was supportive through illnesses (sorry you're health was rough) and is asking for a lot from you. I know you're feeling wary. I would too. If you read my posts (which you have), you'll see that I too crave the simple, yet powerful SORRY from H. I have to deal with a lame version instead, one that I practically have to beg for. We have to believe that they ARE sorry, in their own way.
Go to bed. But, tomorrow, try this. Wake up, and try really hard to believe that he is there because he wants to be. That he loves you. That he wants somthing with you, but needs work. That the basic bond is there. Remember a really fun time/moment you had together before all this mess. Think of one great thing about his now. During the day, when you feel doubtful, think of ONLY right now, choose to believe his words and cut, in your mind, the cord to distrust. Put away your issues for the day (valid as they are).
Just do this one day. Let me know how it feels. Try really hard. It's almost like deluding yourself at first, like you are being a stupid PollyAnna, but it works, especually to calm your anxiety. Just pretend, for a day, that you have a great M, a great H. Divert your mind from the past tomorrow.
I'm NOT saying that this is how you should be, just something temporary (24 hrs) that might serve to help you gently move to the next rung.
I am trying to do this, more and more each day. I deserve a second chance, and so does my H....I have to remember that.
