Where's my pot of gold?

[StrongEnough]

Haha.........superhuman......

No, I don't think that is what he was trying to say. He told me that SHE taught him not to be afraid of his feelings, SHE taught him how important honesty was (funny that two cheating spouses can even mention the word honesty) that SHE was and will be a VERY IMPORTANT person in his life. i.e.(as far as I know they don't communicate) He doesn't regret the A with her because in his eyes he needed her to teach him how to be a "better man".

Now, since the day we got together and up until the stime we seperated (11 years) he lied to me over and over and over again. He never talked to me about his feelings. He was never this person for me. It makes me feel like if she brought out the best in him that I couldn't, then why not be with her? He says he doesn't want to be with her. (She lives far away from us anyway)

Then I think about what he had to gain by coming home:
1) I got him out of a bad financial investment. He was up my butt to get an equity loan on the house. I had no choice because my name was on the business loan and he lost the business, they would have come after my house. So, financially he is way better off here.
2) He missed the kids. Now, he gets to see them everyday
3) He works 50 hurs a week and I work from home doing medical transcription. He doesn't have to clean, do laundry, etc.

However, I have to also weigh the positives I have seen.
1) When I was in ooutpatient counseling, he took care of the kids and the house for me. (He was out of work until recently)
2) When I had the four surgeries, he took care of the house and the kids for me.
3) He turned in his truck so I could get a better car and he took my old clunker. (I think this was more out of guilt because he told me he felt he deserved the clunker and I deserved the better car for what he put me through)

So...sigh......I don't know. He says that if he didn't love me and didn't want to be here, he wouldn't of put up with all the illnesses and the BS we have been going through. On the other hand, our D agereement has already been granted by a judge, so no changes can be made to it and his child support amount was about 2x what the law requires. He did this of his own free will when I filed for the D. Then he realized how hard it was for him to survive on what was leftover.

All the doubts, concerns, worries, excuses. My PMA is WAY LOW today.

Thanks for posting to me Always.....I hope you are having a better day then I am.

~Strong