Where's my pot of gold?

[StrongEnough]

Thank again Sage......you have given me a lot to think about.

So, two things jump out at me here...first off, the ASSumption that you need to be 100% READY to recommit.

This is not an ASSumption. H has flat out told me that he needs me to put forth 100% into this R. He expects me to be totally 100% committed emotionally, physically and otherwise. He doesn't want to hear that I can't give that. In HIS mind, it is unacceptable to expect anything less.

The second thing is (and maybe I'm misunderstanding you) that is SEEMS like maybe you're testing him a bit?

This is a very good question. Maybe subconsciously I am. I do tend to tell him that the way I am now is a direct result of all that has happened between us and maybe that is where the "hey, if he can't put up with this thought process comes into play.

REALLY? So, how did you guys get together in the first place? Was there nothing that you ever enjoyed doing together? It was always one person happy and the other just sucking it up???

Yep. Pretty much. We got togtehter through my brother. We knew right from the get go that we were totally different people. But, (no excuse here but I feel it's worth a mention) we were young. I was 19 and he was 21. We had a strong connection despite the differences. He moved out on his g/f the night after our first date and moved in with me. Two days later we were engaged. Married shortly thereafter. (He has always been impulsive. He left us impulsively and came back just as impulsively) I think the only thing we agree on is going out to dinner. We can agree on a restaurant.

I have been looking for my books. I am not sure where they are. I had them on the bookcase. They are gone. I can't remember if maybe I put them away, threw them away, or H disposed of them himself. He got a little *agitated* with me for coming on the boards. I can't understand why. I didn't dare try to explore it when he questioned me about it.

So, I guess my mini goal is to find my DB and DR books.

I don't want to make this super long like my last posts have been so I will try to address a few things you mentioned that stuck in my memory.

1) Are we testing each other?

There is a very good chance that that is what is going on here. Maybe we don't want to face it or admit it.

2) Physical closeness. Try holding his hand, etc.

Well, I have tried. Last night we cuddled in bed. WHen he realized that my sleeping pill was kicking in and it wasn't going any further, he got aggravated and got out of bed. This is a recurring issue. If I give even a little bit, he ASSumes it will lead to sex. It frustates me and it frustates him and then we end up giving up. It's SO easy for us to give up.

H is finally going to start with a C next week. My C suggested that we are nowhere near ready for M counseling, but we can try and see what the M counselor says. My C was going to do it, but the one session with the two of us became an hour of H talking about HIS needs, HIS problems w/me, HIM, HIM and more HIM. Not US like it was supposed to be. Right now we feed into each other's anxiety. We both need to get better control of ourselves and our anxiety before we can take a step forward. If we don't, it will be the same old cat and mouse chase.

Thanks again Sage for your support. I truly appreciate it. Any comments on anything I said?

~StrongEnough