Where's my pot of gold?

[StrongEnough]

I am sitting here, thinking about all that has happened over the past few years. The A, the day he walked out on me, etc. Then, I am thinking about how I put DB in effect for me and my life.

Now, I know I may get blasted for saying this, but as thankful as I am for having found and read the books, I wonder if it is now working against me.

When H came back wanting to get back together I was a completely different person and he liked what he saw. (DB'ing does work) I was confident, had an awesome job after going through school, was in a relationship, always dressed up with make up on and hair perfectly in place and had a much more open mind. He said he loved the way I carried myself. Now, we are back together, and all that I worked for has slipped away. Bad memories haunt me. Distrust keeps me away from him. I am all the things I was before he left (negative) and then some. I think maybe that is why he insists that I don't want to be with him. I make him feel this way becasue of that. I feel into a deep depression last summer and had to do some outpatient counseling at a local mental hospital. I struggle everyday with my depression and anxiety.

A part of me thinks he is already gone, atleast emotionally, from this relationship. He told me yesterday that he didn't want to be here anymore and hated that he felt that way because he knows he will regret it if he leaves, but if things don't change he will leave again. That on top of him telling me atleast three times to leave yesterday alone. That was what pushed me away so far.

We smoothed things over a bit and took the kids out to dinner last night. I am a hard core rock fan, so when we go out, he will play rock for me. He never ever sings. Well, on the way to the restaurant, he made it a point to crank up CInderella's "Nobody's Fool" and sing it word for word. I am sure I am over-anyalyzing, but I took this to heart. Like he was directing it towards me. I love music and can always find the right song to express my feelings and he knows that.

His biggest issue with me is that I am not physically close enough to him. We rarely, if ever ML. I am not the huggy, kissey kind with him. I was supposed to push my fears and hurt aside and try to meet his needs and he would do the same for me. He got upset today because by noon time I hadn't gone near him except for a good-bye protocol kiss. When I think about grabbing him and hugging him, or grabbing him and kissing him......my anxiety gets so bad that I have to pop my anti-anxiety medication. I HATE living on meds just to function day to day because I let my depression and anxiety rule my life. I decided today to start using his home gym daily to see if I can work out some of that anxiety on it. But the problem still remains that I am not interested in ML. From October to recently, I had four major surgeries and the last one threw me into a surgical menopause. (I am 31). I wasn't able to ML for the months that I was having the surgeries and recovering. But I know that's no excuse, I was LD before all that happened. THis confuses me because with my ex-bf (the one I broke up with to reconcile) I was very affectionate and we ML all the time.

So, I think somehow, when I lost my DB'ing skills except the afformentioned ones in the last post, that's when things fell apart. Why does one find it so difficult to be themselves in the presence of a specific person?

Please, if anyone has any words of wisdom, I am at my wits end here trying to figure out what caused us to get to this place, and how to go about turning things around.

In all fairness, I do need to mention that my H asks about my feelings for my ex-bf and I am honest with him. He doesn't like what he hears, and he feels that ex-bf is competition for him.

Thanks to anyone who took the time to read and/or respond to my frantic mumbling and rantings!

StrongEnough