Where's my pot of gold?

[StrongEnough]

Thanks for replying Sage. Thank you for the Congrats, but the way things are going I am not sure I am worthy of it at this point.

I am quite gunshy about recommiting to this relationship and my H. I guess when I look at the facts that he cheated to be with me when I first met him, then he cheated on me, and not to mention that he lied throughout our marriage, I think the fear of getting burned again rises when I recognize this pattern. He is 100% ready to commit to this. The problem being is that I am not in a position to be able to give him 100%. As of recent, we have been arguiing quite a bit. He is too easy to tell me to "leave and go find myself". First off, the house we live in is mine and secondly, he is nuts if he thinks I am walking out on my kids. He has pushed me so far away with his words that I almost feel unreachable at this point.

To address the DB'ing, I haven't put any of the principles into play here except that I am not attached to an outcome, I have no expectations. At this point, maybe not such a good thing. H is definitely attached to an outcome of us staying together and being happy. Maybe I need to dust off the old books and start reading again.

And for us putting the fixing things aside and doing things we used to enjoy doing together, well, as per usual, there is a problem with that. We are totally different people, we like different music, we dress differently, we don't like going out and doing the same things. We don't even like the same kind of movies, so staying home and watching a movie has it's negativity attached to it. One of us usually ends up happy because we are doing what we like, and the other one usually sucks it up and tries to make the best of it.

The only thing we are good at and have been good at in the past is figthing, alienating on another and pushing each other's buttons. I know I sound soooo negative, but it's hard to see any positives I guess because of the way things are going.

I read the love languages book a couple years ago, when this all started. I know one of his LL's is words of affirmation, I have since lent out the book to someone that I am no longer talking to. Guess I will have to rebuy it and reread it along with the Db and DR books. Looks like I have a lot of work ahead of me!!!!

Again, thanks for the response. Right now I am sooo lost. I just really don't know what to do anymore. I guess rereading the books would be a good start. Thanks.

StrongEnough