First off, congratulations on ALL of your successes with DB'ing. As you point out, I'm not just talking about restoring the M but also restoring you in the process. That sounds wonderful and I'm sure the result of a lot of hard work on your part.
I have a couple of thoughts on your post. I'm sure others will jump in with others.
1. My first thought was that you're both probably feeling pretty gunshy about recommitting to this R. Very understandable but still hard to get over. In my sitch, I was feeling gunshy because I felt as though I had been burned by h (he had the EA) and was reluctant to put myself all "there" again. HE was feeling gunshy because he felt so guilty and ashamed that he ASSumed I could never want him back again totally and my hestitation just kind of confirmed that for him. There were times when I likened it to each of us walking on a tightrope towards each other...I would start feeling like I had made too many steps towards him without his recipricating and most likely, he felt the same. I don't really have a magical solution to all this...I guess what worked for me was time (how annoying! ), trying to understand his fears (thanks to my good friends here!), sometimes swallowing my fears and acting "as if" I was all there (the fake it 'til you make it approach), just accepting that I was "here" and was going to throw myself into it, potential hurt be damned, and/or just not dwelling on the ambivalence -- it is what it is but it doesn't have to prevent us from going forward (IOW, we don't have to mentally commit to each other RIGHT NOW in order to make progress). Probably other things, too.
2. My next thought was that you had so much success with DB'ing...have you tried to apply the principles to the piecing process as well? IOW, set some small goals, work out some 180s, etc? For example, you mention you feel like he's distant so you distance, etc. Sounds like a pattern that's meant to be broken to me! What if next time instead of pulling away you moved just a bit closer (ack! There's that anxiety again!)? Might mix things up a bit. You might find benefit in listening to Michele's "Keeping Love Alive" CD's. They contain a lot of the DB principles but are also useful for couples.
3. Have you read some of the other books so often recommended here? I'm thinking of "The Five Love Languages" and also "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? The first will feed into my next thought(#4) while the second might help with the whole "distance" thing (and communication, too!). It took me a long time to realize that h's distant mode didn't necessarily mean a return to THEN. Sometimes it just meant he needed some cave time.
4. What if you guys took the focus off of "fixing" things and focused on having good times together? I'm sure that sounds a bit counterintuitive, I mean here you have this big "problem" that needs to be fixed and I'm suggesting NOT working on it...but maybe a period of just being together, doing things you enjoy, really having a good time, would be rejuvenating? What's your love language? What's h's? What did you guys used to do together and really enjoy?
Thoughts?
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
), trying to understand his fears (thanks to my good friends here!), sometimes swallowing my fears and acting "as if" I was all there (the fake it 'til you make it approach), just accepting that I was "here" and was going to throw myself into it, potential hurt be damned, and/or just not dwelling on the ambivalence -- it is what it is but it doesn't have to prevent us from going forward (IOW, we don't have to mentally commit to each other RIGHT NOW in order to make progress). Probably other things, too.
