Where's my pot of gold?

[StrongEnough]

Hi everyone. I have been reading a lot of these posts here and thought I would join the group as you all seem like a great bunch of people. Here's a brief on my situation:

Married to H 11 years, 2 kids. H (who was never unaccounted for where he was or what he was doing) decides we need to seperate after a few tense weeks in 2003. I found out shortly thereafter that he is having an affair with my friend. She is married, has three children. I immediately bought Michele's books and started putting things into motion. After a while, it became less about H and more about me and my happiness. H and OW were no longer together. We had done the D in court. I was with someone else and happy. H drops the second "bomb" that he still loves me and wants to work things out. We have been back together for a little over a year. Children are thrilled. We, on the other hand, are struggling and not so happy.

I never thought it was going to be this hard. I mean, I know it wouldn't be easy, but never did I imagine this. I envisioned happiness, smiles and laughter....a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. It was like that for about a month then reality gave us both a wake up call. I thought I had moved on. I thought I had forgiven his affair. It didn't take me long to realize that forgiving him when he wasn't part of my life was diffferent then forgiving him while he is part of my life. I, personally, have been up and down. I am on the emotional roller coaster and I just want to get off now. After a year or so of riding it, I'm quite dizzy!!!!

I started counseling last summer and I am still in counseling. My H (D never final) felt he didn't need it. He had figured out his issues while we were seperated. After meeting with my counselor, she suggested that he get one of his own and start to really deal with his issues. He hesitated, saying that it was useless, but then finally agreed to go I think more to satiate me than anything else.

At best, things have been difficult between us. I broke up with someone I cared for, and have unresolved feelings for him. I have a difficult time trusting my H again. My H on the other hand has a difficult time trusting me due to the above mentioned unresolved feelings. We both have a lot of anxiety and tension around us due to this. When he is anxious, he wants the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I, tell him. He then holds it against me. As a natural defense mechanism, I, like most people when being attacked, close up and throw up the wall real quick.

So, here we are, over a year into this and we have made zero progress. There are days when I question if I made the right decision getting back together with him. When we first met, he cheated on his g/f to be with me and the fool I was thought that he would NEVER do it to me. Now I am wondering if it's a pattern and if it is going to repeat itself. Nevertheless, I am putting my best foot forward and trying to give this all I have. The problem is, now he has been a little "weird" this last week or so. When I called him on it, he went into overkill with the "I love you" notes and tm's......then quickly forgot about my concern over the distance I felt from him and now we are back where we started. He is distant so I distance myself and we stay status quo.

DB'ing had done wonders for me to gain back my self-respect and confidence as a person, mother, friend and lover. Now, I feel that's all out the window. I have been dragged down so low that I feel stuck and useless. Me perceiving him as distant emotionally doesn't help. (of course he denies it)

I figure I can't be the only one who DB'ed and ended up happy without H in their life only to return to life with H and end up lost amd miserable again. I would really appreciate anyone's input at this point. I can't see the forest for the trees at this point and I apologize if my post seems all over the place. At this point, what makes sense to me might not make sense to anyone else.

StrongEnough