Hi everyone. I am so glad to see that there is a group of people that may understand what I am going through. I am currently living with my BF of 4 years and we are talking about getting married. But our relationship has of course had some extremely rough bumps. One of the worst is that I don't trust him. I am D by a cheating H so now, my warning system is always on red alert. Anyways, the biggest contributer to my not trusting my BF is that our sex-life is so nonexistant. I had always believed that men think about sex all the time. Isn't that why the media is skewed the way it is. We are bombarded by it every second. Anyways, we are lucky if we have sex once a month. And typically that is because I initiate it. It is not just the lack of interest in sex though, I can go to bed naked, which is very rare, and he doesn't comment, touch me, or act as though anything were different. He has let me know through comments he has made and other ways that the body type that really turns him on is extremely slim, very "Hollywood". I am a mom, 30 yrs old, and have a life that does not allow me to have that body, mine is close though. Needless to say, I have gone through bouts of bulimia and anorexia because of this. We have talked about that and he knows that I was only trying to fit his fantasy, and he swears that he loves me, thinks that I am beautiful, sexy, and that he is happy with it. I also told him that it scares me that if he isn't wanting or needing it from me, that maybe he is getting it already somewhere else. He tells me he is just different from other guys and doesn't really think about it much. But I do find Maxim magazines that he buys and hides, and the other day, I found between 200-300 porn websites on his favorites list. So I know he has a sex-drive. I just wish he could aim it towards me sometimes. He has been sick for a few weeks, so I haven't been pushing the issue, but this last weekend, my son was with his dad for 4 days, (which never happens). We didn't do anything. Monday I was gone picking my son up, and Tuesday, I found evidence that he had masturbated. I just don't know what to do. We hug and kiss(with no tongue of course) and that is it. I feel as though I am dating a jr. higher. I never sleep anymore because I am so hurt and frustrated (in everyway). I don't want to just walk away from a relationship that we have both committed so much to. But I can't imagine choosing to spend the rest of my life with this much pain. Not a second time. Sorry this was so long.
