I understand your need to say ILY to those you care about but your W will know this even if you don't say it all the time. Next time you feel your willpower slipping, force yourself to take a step back.
If you want to call her instead do something for yourself first. Personally I'm a bit of a homebody so I know how hard it can be to GAL. But, from what you've written, it seems very important to your W that you exist separate from her. It's a lot of pressure to be responsible for someone else's happiness.
Maybe you should plan a weekend away for yourself. Visit some friends, family you haven't seen in a while and use it as an opportunity to do some serious thinking.
But, whatever you do, you must give your wife some space. Sometimes for whatever reason people just need to be left alone.
VINCES Chocolate Bunnies. Go read my post I left you in your thread. Then, think about what kind of underwear I am wearing. Do you like it MORE? (sorry, it was a trick question. I am in fact, not wearing any underwear.)
Tim (and anyone else), I have set up a gmail account for myself to use on this forum. If you want to contact me off-board, use: totallymessedup@gmail.com
Some of you have become pretty close to me over these couple weeks and I just wanted to give you a way to get in touch with me in a more personal way.
Well it has been interesting! Hi lites of what happened My W came home and was wearing her wedding ring! Too tired to talk but did say she wore it because it made her feel close to the kids and I while she was gone! She went downstairs to call her friend who is having marital problems. Took her cell phone with her. Heard them taking and then after about 1/2 she closed the basement door. Another 1/2 goes by and I want to go to bed, and all my bathroom stuff is downstairs. So I knock on the door..wait..knock again...then enter. There she is crying in computer room, on her cell phone! She waves to me to get out! I just walk upstairs and go WTF is going on! Long story short, she came back up went to bed. Said nothing! I goto bed. Touch her head, and she says she will loose it if I am nice to her right now! Morning comes she thanks me for giving her the space she needs, and being there for as her friend. She also said she needs to feel the pain on her own and not use me as a crutch! We left this morning and she was wearing her rings again! No idea what is happening, no communication, but I am going to give her the space she needs. I just hate the non-communication, and seeing her hurt so openly! I need to keep my distance, and start putting some boundaries up in our R.
Tim
my story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1049617&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
Dude, you are doing great! (Goooooooooo Tim....gotta get my cheering in). That sounds like you handled it perfectly and quite un-Timlike. The ring thing sounds promising but make sure you let her keep her reasons for wearing them. This is from left field and just something I am thinking, but if you try to acknowledge them, thank her, or anything like that she may take them off because it will then turn into something she's doing for you, therefore something she won't do anymore. You are doing the right thing. Don't try to figure out what's going on, just go with it. Be there when she wants you to, and retreat when she doesn't. Keep us updated and send me an email if you want.
Sorry I just not into typing tonite! Feel like I am in that horrible grey area again! Quick update: W came clean and said it is over with the OM (can't count how many times I heard that!) Anyways she said he was manipulating her, controlling, and treating her like sh#$#$t! So now she is the hurt puppy, and I am supposed to feel bad! Some reason this tie I don't! Every other time I would jump, and cry with her! This time I just didn't, mainly becasue I did not want to! Anyways she gave me token kiss on the forehead then a second one partly on the lips before she went to bed to write in her journal! I am sitting here giving her the space she wants trying to keep my head above water and wonder what the next move will be?
Tim
my story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1049617&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
Quote: So now she is the hurt puppy, and I am supposed to feel bad! Some reason this tmie I don't! Every other time I would jump, and cry with her! This time I just didn't, mainly becasue I did not want to!
Great man! She doesn't NEED you to cry with her. This is HER Sh*t not yours. Stay out of her business.
Example: My W was getting totally abused by D15 who was calling her on EVERYTHING she was doing. She was emotionally checked out of the family because of OM (but D15 doesn't know there IS OM). The day after D15 told her in family therapy that she'd feel safer living with ME because W didn't have it together, W had a big emotional breakdown and I stood there for a few seconds, then ONLY held her like I would any other HUMAN BEING who was in pain. I said nothing to comfort her. I didn't cry. I only held her for a minute or two. I am not here to 'fix' her, only to bear witness to her growth, and care for her as a human. My counselor said in these cases use the 'What Would Jesus Do?" test to determine what you should do. Jesus would have given her love, but would not have tried to fix her life.
Quote: Anyways she gave me token kiss on the forehead then a second one partly on the lips before she went to bed to write in her journal! I am sitting here giving her the space she wants trying to keep my head above water and wonder what the next move will be?
Unless SHE starts a conversation with you about OM, don't talk about it. IN fact, my opinion is even if she DOES talk about OM, just say 'I don't feel comfortable talking about that topic, s please don't ask me". Anything you say is putting YOU into the equation. Get out of it. Stay out of her business and stay in YOUR business. She has to face this - alone.
Bear witness but don't become part of the problem. Let her face it alone.
There has been so much that has ahappened but I have just talked about the incidents that stuck out in my mind! This morning was interesting because I did not sleep last nite, and she was just in a daze again! Finally I said enough and went over and just gave her a hug! ALl I said was "I am here when you want to talk." She said thanx. Then before she left she asked me a real tough question: "Why do you put up with me?" WOW! Had to pause and keep my inside voice on the inside because I have been questioning why alot lately....All I said was because "I love you" very calmly. She hugged me and I said "I miss talking to you" and she said me too! My therapist said it is like dealing with an adolscent child in her actions, choices, and trying to interpret what she is trying to say because of the lack of communication! I am just glad my kids are only 2 and 4 because I could not handle 3 teenagers in the house right now! I should not complain as bad as I am because there are some baby steps forward right now. They are small so it is still hard to determine if we are going in the right direction!
Tim
my story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1049617&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
You are doing great. Remember that. Don't backslide now! Keep up the filtering of your actions. Keep up the DBing. Keep it positive. You are in a better place man, try to stay there for as long as you can.
I have been trying to figure out why I am a little more confident over the last few days? I think it is because I have the feeling that life can go on without my W. Please don't get me wrong, I am still 100% commited to doing what I need to do to make the marriage work. The thing is I have resigned myself that if my W is going to make bad decisions I can't keep supporting them. Where is that line in the sand I really don't know?
Tim
my story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1049617&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
(sorry, it was a trick question. I am in fact, not wearing any underwear.)