HELP! "Just friends?" Slipping very fast

[Tim297181]

Thanx NY!
I hate playing the Guessing Game, but I have done so well at in the past!
But i will continue playing right now! My predicition for the rest of the weekend will she will call to say nite nite to the kids, and be all warm and friendly (as long as she passed her practical exam today)! The ILY will continue, but she will go out tonite and celebrate with her class mates to excess!
Tomorrow she will be hung over, and still be stressed if she passed or not (no results for 6 weeks). She will be friendly but not loving. More like a friend you have not seen for awhile. The ILY will stop, and it will be back to WTF is going on!
I know this ain't to positive but prepare for the worse, and expect the best! The best would be she talked to her friends about the OM, and they told her to pull her head out of her a#$$% and she apologizes for everything, and says the OM is done! Oh well 100 points for the first scenario, and 1,000,000 for the best scenario!
You are right I will have to see what happens going forward! the one thing I know I can't do is take this little door opening and rush in like the SWAT team of love!! Done that before....boy do they run!
In regards to the flowers I was buying a dozen every week or so after she moved back in! So you should open up a flower shop in my neighbor hood!

[NYsurvivor]

prepare for the worse, and expect the best!

Expecting nothing, is better. You set yourself up for disappointment by expecting the best, and likewise, you can never be pleasantly surprised.

One of the principles of applying solution oriented practices is not to engage in mind reading and assumptions, which is what the guessing game is all about. I also know from personal experience how baseless and futile it is to engage in, and so I can't recommend your enthusiastic course in that regard.

We have a situation right now on this forum where newbies in the throes of their own rollercoaster are cheering on other newbies engaged in their rollercoasters, and I can tell you from having seen this on other sites, that you might as well then strap yourself in for what could be a long ride staying on that track.

I can also tell you, based on personal experience and just from surveying threads of others on this site and other sites for the past year or so, that it's when you do the work and do apply these things, that you grow, learn, and climb out of the swirling vortex, regaining not only yourself, but a better functioning self, instead of being tied into every glance and lip expression the WAS has, and encouraged to stay there, not just from others similarly caught up, but by one's own emotions and deeper than that, one's desire to stay emotionally connected to something that's gone, that rollercoaster being the vehicle that keeps one thus connected, despite the nausea it produces.

Ya think if you went to a counselor, they'd tell you otherwise, having your benefit in mind?

[NYsurvivor]

BTW, you may know how I play the "But" game. I look at what people state right before they say "But". That part contains significance and truth and it's where to focus, the part that follows "but" serves to negate the first part, and rationalize the speaker.

So I notice that stuff. It's always very telling. For example:

"I hate playing the Guessing Game, but I have done so well at in the past!... But I will continue playing right now!"

and

"I know this ain't too positive but prepare for the worse, and expect the best!"



It's funny, I've come to believe that WASs and LBSs share many things in common, and now I'm adding another to my list. WASs have their heads up their butts, and LBSs have a use for "buts" too! Bwahaha!

[Tim297181]

prepare for the worse, and expect the best!

Expecting nothing, is better. You set yourself up for disappointment by expecting the best, and likewise, you can never be pleasantly surprised.

We have a situation right now on this forum where newbies in the throes of their own rollercoaster are cheering on other newbies engaged in their rollercoasters, and I can tell you from having seen this on other sites, that you might as well then strap yourself in for what could be a long ride staying on that track.

I agree you should not be preparing for the best! One thing I am trying is to keep the hope alive, and remaing positive. This sometimes gives me unreal expectations because you dream of something better!
I agree with spending too much time on the postings! first of all I love this forum and it truly has helped me through a tough time, and I will continue to use it! For me though I was so hurt and confused by starting things all over again with my wife I looked for support and found it here! When I first really started to work on DB back in August I realized some of my family and very close friends did not understand me wanting to stay with my W! They thought I was crazy once there was someone else in her life! I soon found out who I could and could and could not talk to, and I found out that there are not many people to talk to at all! Ther is when I really turned to mysef and got stronger, and made decisions for myself! When my reconciliation went sour again, I did not want to go through this alone again! So I was so happy to find the board! the thing is I lost a week of my life because I began dependent on hearing anything on my posting! I became obsessed with hearing and talking to others on the message board! Mainly because it made me feel better to talk to people who were going through the same sitch! Don't get me wrong it is awesome and I am still stayting on the message board, and I am going to start executing things in my life to make things better!
I actually think this message board became my journal as it has for many others! The danger is a journal is private, and sometimes others opinions can influence how you are thinking good or bad! We all have to be open minded and mature about what we read here, and depend on better judgement for our own sitch! Ok enough of my rant!
NY and everyone out there Thanx again for all your help, and don't stop!

[NYsurvivor]

T wrote: prepare for the worse, and expect the best!

NYS wrote: Expecting nothing, is better.

T wrote: I agree you should not be preparing for the best!

Tim, we're becoming Abbott & Costello! I didn't say anything concerning "preparing for the best", lol.

One thing I am trying is to keep the hope alive, and remaing positive. This sometimes gives me unreal expectations because you dream of something better!

That's one of the reasons I find "hope" to be a tricky thing. There are variances of hope, some are good, some not.

sometimes others opinions can influence how you are thinking good or bad! We all have to be open minded and mature about what we read here

Opinions can influence if you're not sure, or enhance if you are.

In a perfect world, we'd all be mature about what we read here, but in a perfect world, we wouldn't be here. In this imperfect world, we're dealing with many, many different levels of maturity and immatirity, emotions and thinking.

[Tim297181]

Sorry Ny got my wording a little mixed up!
You were right about living in an imperfect world!

My wife just called to tell me she passed her practical portion of her exam! which is awesome! She was on her frieds cell phone so she couldn't talk long, but we quickly chatted about the kids, and that I am taking them to the waterpark later this afternoon with friends of ours and their kids. then she said or great Suzanne will be all over you at the waterpark (suzanne is a little flirty) I down played it and said she was silly! What is up with that comment?
Then She said she had to go, and I said call later, and have fun tonite, she said I will, and then out of habit I said "talk later Love you"?!?!?! Of course no response with ILY back! Oh well! So much for her having a break through!

[Tim297181]

Just put the kids to bed, and I am a little depressed and actually angry!
The kids and I had a great day! Played in the backard this morning, went to the waterpark this afternoon, had McDonalds for dinner, and a cuddly bedtime! The bummer is my wife wasn't here to enjoy it. Not her fault becasue of her exam,but we really have not had any family time since the seperation. The time alone with the kids just brought back a ton of bad memories when we actually seperated and living in 2 different cities! It was not only tough on us, it was worse on the kids! I don't want that to happen again! This is the depression part.
The angry part was she never even called to say good nite to the kids! I thought she would at least do that! High expectations I guess! She is going out tonite to celebrate the conclusion of her exams, so maybe I am wrong for thinking this way! I got even angrier because my 4yr daughter was esking if the same questions when we were seperated...Is mommy coming home, we are a family aren't we, I miss Mommy! It makes me angry that my wife would do this again to our kids...she has not left, and I will do everything possible to give her no reason to leave again!
I finally broke down and called her and had the kids leave a message on her cell phone wishing her good nite and we miss you. I just said "Have a god time tonite, let loose, and have some fun you deserve it. Love you!" Am I weak or what? Who knows?
Man thinking way too much and the mind plays evil tricks on you...I just thought I would not put it past her to have the OM come up to help her celebrate.....STOP SIGN!
Time to clean the house or something fun like that to take my mind off things!

[Tim297181]

I think I am brain dead!
So she calls, and is very tired. Apologizes for not calling because they were out for supper. No big deal. Anyways we talk a little more, and I can hear her room mate in the background, so I wonder if she is doing a liitle acting because of that! Anyways she comments again how beautiful the flowers were and how much she appreciates them! Well when I ordered them I told the florist anything but red! So you know what I do I open my big mouth and say what color did she get because I told them anything but red since she has always got red roses! How frigg'n stupid am I! Anyways it could be nothing or it could be something! Damn guessing game! Then the conversation continued it was actually very nice (acting or real) but at the end there was a slight pause and I said hell with it and said ILY and she said it back!
I know I am just rambling! too much time on my hands! Try to watch the hockey game...Go Oilers!

[grasshopper]

Tim,

Yes, you are expecting too much still. She is not only withdrawing from you and your R, but if she's anything like my W, the kids, no matter how much she loves them, are a reminder of all the R stuff.
I don't think she intentionally (damn, now I'M trying to read her mind) didn't call, more like she is focusing on her night of celebration and that's it. It seems worse to you because as usual, you're waiting for her to do something that of course, you would never forget to do or blow off...sound familiar?
It's really hard to put aside those personal expectations and just roll with people but I think in this time, it's what we HAVE to do if we are to prove something to ourselves about positive change, and to them if we want to demonstrate our ability to live and let live for once.
Control of ourselves is paramount. Control of them is impossible and should not be attempted. Period.
Hope your night gets better and you wake up with a clear mind.

TMU

[Tim297181]

Thanx TMU! As usual good to hear from you! Its tough this weekend is the first time we have been apart since Mid Nov. Alot of feelings came rushing back from when we were seperated. The real tough thing is she was so distant and was seperating herself from us before she left, but now on the phone this weekend it was like nothing was wrong and we were the happy married couple again! This is why I wonder if she is acting for her friends, or is she really thinking about us! Stop guessing and let things play out! Oilers just scored so I need to watch the hi-lite!