Quote: I thought about it... and I feel that serving the higher purpose is being true to myself! I look at my move as somethig that served me and my higher purpose! I gave up alot but I gained my kids back which is worth everything, I gained a second chance with my W (still working on that), and I gained a new respect for myself that I can face these challenges in life and come out OK.
So does that subscribe to the theory I am not sure! But one thing I do know is 10 or 12 years from now when the kids may start asking questions about what happened between mommy and daddy at that time in our lives I can proudly say what I did, and not be ashamed of it regardless of what my W thnks right now!
Sounds good to me.
Two questions:
1) Is your career REALLY your 'higher purpose?' or just a way to make money? What do you think your higher purpose really is? I'll give you mine, as I see it "To use my gifts of understanding and intellect to assist people to go from their current 'self' to the next level of 'self' they are destined to be." In one manifestation of that purpose I took a bunch of young, smart 'kids' and mentored them through the Dot Com era so they could grow from newbie technologists to mature, capable networking engineers and move on to better more fulfilling careers.
2) If you truly moved to fulfill you higher purpose, why did you let your Wife make a decision to stay behind with the kids? Think hard about that one. Almost every person I know has moved their entire family to a new town when it would benefit the whole family because Dad (or mom) is pursuing their career and they have a passion for what they do. I don't think moving yourself to the new job was the whole story, I think that because you did not make the decision FOR everyone that you would all stay together and move together may have come across as a lackof commitment to the family.
My example: We have moved about every 5 years or so. Usually in the same school district but the last move, 5 years ago was 40 miles. The other day my D15 was telling me that we should move again because we were getting bored in the same house.
Couple years ago my friend John had an opportunity to move about 150 miles to a new job that was going to be a real challenge to him and help him to grow his skills. As much as he felt it would be tough for her, he still explained to his 17 year old D that if he could put this off he would, but it was important to him and ultimatly to the family that they make this move in her senior year of High School. They moved and everything worked out, with a little pain for a while.
Anyway, just some thoughts. And we're just being philosophical here, so take it all with a grain of salt.
I think the very same thing. I value my family, NOT just my wife, as much as anything in my life and I will never question that. Some people don't, and that's ok, to each his own. Many men, like my BIL who is facing the same thing as I am at this point, is a man who is gone like 75% of the time, out of the city, state or country, and he doesn't have to be. So much of what he does is just because it's what he wants to do. His family, in my opinion, is maybe a priority financially to him, but as far as being with them, he could care less. He is GREAT with his kids when he is there but chooses not to be so much of the time. I see him as a shining example of someone, a MAN following his higher purpose, dedicating himself to his career(s) and doing what he feels he needs to do to satisfy his needs in life. Of course I NEVER want to be like that because I can't see myself choosing to be away that much. Again, to each his own. It may work for him (one divorce down...the next one from my SIL on the way...) but not me. I am going to be a man in my own way and if that conflicts with my wife's ideals or anyone elses' then screw it. At least I was true to myself.
You and I both need to let our spouses pursue us for a change. Think about it this way, nobody wanted to be friends with the annoying guy/girl in high school who followed everyone around and looked pathetic. This is no different. That is what we've become in our H/W's eyes. They still love us, but they do things out of pity, not real love and respect.
So when she asks you to stop pressuring her, just say "OK" and then leave it alone.
I've been thinking about your response to your W asking "What makes Tim happy?" You probably need to spend some time thinking yourself. What really does make you happy? She asked a valid question. Perhaps she is thinking about what makes her happy. It would be a good thing for her, and for yourself, to have an answer to this question.
And, don't forget that whether or not you think things are going well, she came back when she didn't have to and wants to work on your R. As hard as it is, you're going to have to give her some time.
YOu are right our W need to pursue us right now! I hate the feeling of pity love from my W! I feel it necessary to say ILY to someone you truly love becasue you never know when you won't have the chance again! But I agree I need to let her come to me with an ILY, and this just happened. I called her to wish her luck on her exam out of town this weekend and at the end of the conversation there was a pause when I normally say ILY and this time she did! It caught me of guard and then she hung up, so I phoned back immediately and said I love you. And that was that! Read between the lines take it for what it is???!?!?! I also really do need to focus on what makes Tim happy! I have definetly lost that! I have been so focused on the R and marriage that I have lost alot of what makes me happy! On the flip side I have found alot about myself and my character that I thought I had lost or at least misplaced! It is hard to be happy when such a big portion of a persons life is unhappy and in disaray!
Tim
my story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1049617&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
Tim, wanna feel better about your W and sitch? Try this...my wife NEVER says ILY, and never has. My wife says "my house" and "My room" never "Our room" or "Our house." Strange, eh? Just the way it is in her family...
Speaking of which, I've just designed a T-Shirt just for LBSs. The front of it says simply, "Left Behind Spouse" and the back features a knife sticking out of it. On sale soon.
Thanx guys it has been awhile since I had a good chuckle! Sometimes we get to serious......glad to see everyone can laugh a little! I wonder what our spouses would say if they saw the t-shirts? WWIII?????
Tim
my story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1049617&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
